Frasier (TV Series)

Frasier Loves Roz (1996)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Frasier and Niles are reading, trying to find a way to circumvent Niles' obligation to keep Ben's intentions confidential] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Say, here's a possibility. According to this, it says we can warn her if he plans to do her bodily harm. Does he?

  Niles : No.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Damn!

  Niles : It would be so much easier if Roz were mentally incompetent.

  [They slowly look up at each other] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Go on.

  Niles : Well, then there'd be some justification for protecting her. Is she irrational?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : She did attack a vending machine once, when a Twinkie came out of the Oreo chute.

  Niles : Borderline, borderline... Does she ever act delusional?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, she often claims that she's responsible for the success of our show.

  Niles : Building, building... Does she display below-average intelligence?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : She once ordered a bottle of white zinfandel!

  Niles : Jackpot! Go to her! She's a threat to herself!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : It's amazing they even let the woman drive!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Go ahead, Tom. I'm listening.

  Tom : Hi, Dr. Crane. Uh, it's about my girlfriend. My problem is, I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, how long have you two been together?

  Tom : Six years.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : And the sex is still that good?

  Tom : Oh man, Dr. Crane, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. But I'm not sure we have much else in common.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, common interests are of course the foundation of... three times, you say?

  Tom : Is that abnormal?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, uh, no, no, it's not abnormal. It's not fair, but it's not abnormal. But you know, perhaps you share more things than you think you do actually. I'll tell you what, try this: why don't you pick up a catalogue from a local university, go through it with her and see if there are any courses you'd like to take together?

  Tom : That's a good idea! Thanks, Doc. Have a great weekend.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I'd wish you the same but it hardly seems necessary.

• Niles : I just spotted someone. It's my least favorite patient. The man's a compulsive womaniser. He goes through so many women, he calls them all by the same odious nickname, "Sunshine," to avoid slip-ups.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, God.

  Niles : Frasier, what do you do when you don't like a patient?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, it's a tricky subject, isn't it? How long have you been seeing him?

  Niles : Six months. We've made no progress whatsover. Sometimes I feel he comes in not so much for help as to brag. He claims to have been with, at last count, one hundred and fifty women!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh puh-leeze. A hundred and fifty...

  Niles : As if anything over, say... seven weren't absurd.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I would say eleven, but I get your point.

• Niles : What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So, I ducked out of the conference, and who should I run into but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat-placenta treatments.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hmm... Good lord, is it placenta-treatment-time again, already?

  Niles : We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran; I tried to follow her tracks in the snow but, alas, she made none.

• Niles : Now serving one hundred and fifty one.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [turns to see]  Good God! He's here to see Roz?

  Niles : Yes, well, no doubt they met when Sealy Posturepedic named them Man and Woman of the Year.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : That is the *last* man that Roz should be with!

  Niles : Don't worry: Knowing Roz, he won't be.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : Think of what Freud said, "We are never so helplessly unhappy as when we lose love."

• Roz Doyle : Niles called from the airport; he wants you to call him back. He sounded frantic!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I'll call him from the car. He's flying to a conference in Switzerland; I promised to talk him through it.

  Roz Doyle : Surely he's flown before?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, not coach!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to Roz about her green bridesmaid dress]  Perhaps one day you can donate it to the salvation army and make some... Irish drag queen very happy.

• Roz Doyle : [about the bride of the wedding she's attending]  Let's just say she works in her father's ice cream shop and she eats her mistakes.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Ah.

  Roz Doyle : The groom's father makes *cones*.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, well we don't need Freud for that one.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [to himself]  Me and my stupid advice...

  [notices the "On-Air" light] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!