Frasier (TV Series)

Death Becomes Him (1993)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Martin : I remember when I took you for your first tetanus shot, you were about five or six.

  Frasier : Oh boy, was I scared. I remember you holding my hand.

  Martin : Yeah. Bent over that table, dropped your little drawers. When the nurse gave you the shot, you took your mind off it by reciting the names of all of Puccini's operas. Right then I knew you'd never be a cop.

• Martin : Look son, let me tell you something. There was this time, a while back, seven or eight of us were on this drug bust. We get the order to go through the front door, and the first guy took one. He was dead before he hit the ground. When you're a cop, you've got to be able to handle things like that, but I... I just couldn't get over it. Every time I had to go in a blind alley, or in a dark building, I just froze. And I knew if I kept being afraid to die, I'd never be able to do my job.

  Frasier : So what did you do?

  Martin : I just forced myself to forget about it.

  Frasier : Just like that?

  Martin : Just like that. Next time I came across one of those doors, I went right through it... The fact that I got shot in the hip was purely coincidental.

  Frasier : You were this close to helping me there, Dad.

• Martin : This is crazy. I'm not going to start putting my name on your stuff.

  Frasier : Dad, what happens if I die tomorrow, you and Niles end up in an argument about... well, that African mask, for instance?

  Martin : It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it.

  Niles : I don't want it.

  Daphne : Well, don't look at me. I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home.

• Martin : [to Eddie]  Hey, how ya doin', boy? Yeah, glad to see you too.

  Frasier : [to Martin]  So. How was your exam today?

  Martin : Oh, you know. Everything's pretty routine

  Frasier : EKG?

  Martin : Perfect.

  Niles : Blood pressure?

  Martin : Textbook.

  Frasier : Hope they took a full blood panel.

  Martin : Oh, yeah. Told them to take two. They're small.

  Daphne : Ooh, let's have a look.

  [Martin rolls up his sleeve] 

  Daphne : Ooh, look at this. A nice, big Band-Aid. Nice try!

  [Daphne rips the band-aid off his arm] 

  Martin : Ouch! What did you do that for?

  Daphne : Dr. Jennings's office called to reschedule your appointment. You never showed up today.

  Niles : Dad, this is ludicrous. Why do you keep avoiding the doctor?

  Martin : Because I feel fine. I'll go to the doctor when I don't feel fine. Besides, I don't like Dr. Jennings. He's got a model of a colon on his desk, he keeps his tongue depressors in it.

  Frasier : Well, all right Dad, fine. If you don't like him, why don't you go to see my doctor, she's one of the finest gastroenterologists in this city.

  Martin : She? Oh ho ho, no no. No way. If a doctor's gonna have me bend over, I want to look through my legs and see wingtips.

  Daphne : Now now, we'll have none of that. We women have been poked and prodded my male doctors for centuries. I say it's high time you gents went to see a doctor of the opposite sex. See how you like waiting in that room, sitting there all naked and helpless and goosebumpy.

  Frasier : Niles, surely you could recommend someone?

  [Niles doesn't say anything and merely stares at Daphne] 

  Frasier : Niles!

  Niles : I'm sorry, my mind was somewhere else. OH! I know who you should see - Dr. Gary Newman. His office is in my building, he has a very successful practice, I saw a Lichtenstein hanging in his office.

  Frasier : Ooh, Lichtenstein. He sounds perfect

  Martin : Alright, alright. I'll make an appointment, I'll go see him

  Frasier : [to Martin]  Oh, now just hang on a second there, mister. I will make the arrangements and I will escort you personally.

  Martin : Wonderful. I can't wait.