- Frasier: [Niles and Daphne are alone in his house] My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
- Niles: There I was lying in wait, with my little plastic knife clenched between my teeth, when the closet door was flung open and I found myself face to face with the upstairs maid. She began screaming what I gather were some very unflattering things in idiomatic Guatemalan, when Maris stumbled upon the scene and completely misconstrued it. The next thing I knew she ordered me out of the house! I barely had time to grab my pantaloons and buckle my swash.
- Niles: The truth is, Maris and I are in a bit of a rut. We seem to have lapsed into this grey, numbing blandness.
- Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal in a relationship of some years. Maybe you should try spicing things up a bit?
- Niles: You mean, boudoir wise?
- Frasier: For starters, yeah.
- Niles: Like how?
- Frasier: Well, the two of you could... well, you could... well, it's you and Maris, so you could... I'm stumped.
- [Niles shows up at Frasier's house wearing a pirate costume, saying that Maris has kicked him out]
- Niles: There's a perfectly reasonably explanation for the way I'm dressed.
- Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
- Niles: Well, my plan was to leave a treasure map downstairs for Maris with clues that would lead her to my whereabouts. Then I'd hide in the linen closet and wait for her to find me.
- Martin: Dressed like that?
- Niles: Actually no, at the time I was wearing only my eye-patch. Although, technically is it still an eye-patch if you're wearing it on your-?
- Frasier: STOP!
- [Niles's romantic plans went awry when the maid discovered him waiting in the linen closet, nude]
- Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
- Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember.
- [he laughs, Niles glares]
- Martin: Oh come on, Niles, everybody has an embarrassing story to tell. Did I ever tell you about the time I got locked outside in the backyard in my underwear?
- Niles: Only every Thanksgiving.
- Martin: Well, don't worry, I won't be telling that story this year!
- Roz Doyle: My point is, that women need to see the men they make love to as exciting, romantic figures. So I say, if you want to keep this woman interested, try creating a fantasy for an evening. Personally, I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator.
- Frasier: Roz, this is not for me, this is for my brother, Niles.
- Roz Doyle: Oh! Well, in that case, make it a gladiola.
- Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate. Sometimes it's something else. Something... comfortable and familiar. That newly-exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table... sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.
- Frasier: All right, let's just assume for a moment that you are capable of a long-term relationship. What would you do to keep things cooking?
- Roz Doyle: Well, once I had a boyfriend take me out to a bar, and we pretended we were strangers picking each other up. Actually that was kinda hot.
- Frasier: So you used, like, fantasy/role-playing?
- Roz Doyle: Yeah. In fact, we had so much fun we tried it again. Only the next time he got so into it he went home with another woman.
- Frasier: I'm sorry.
- Roz Doyle: Oh hell, she was gorgeous. One more drink, and I'd have gone home with her.
- Niles: I'm just not someone who cries, it's not in my nature. When Maris' uncle Lyle died, I had to shut my hand in the car door just to make a decent showing at the funeral.
- Daphne: I don't know why I'm being so silly. We weren't together long enough for anything to really happen.
- Niles: Sometimes the strongest feelings come from the promise of what might happen. Just the anticipation is just enough to make all the little hairs on your neck stand on end.
- [smooths down the hairs on the back of his neck]
- Daphne Moon: [seeing an ornate clock on a side table] Look at this, it's beautiful!
- Dr. Niles Crane: It's a Glockenspiel. We bought it on our honeymoon in Zürich. I brought it down from the attic to remind Maris of better times. It used to play beautiful music, and now it doesn't. How's that for irony?