- Kathleen Beck: Carlotta, who do you think you are, tampering with my decorating theme?
- Carlotta Beck: Kathleen, dear, I know that impeccable taste is not your strong suit, so trust me when I tell you that cheap Mexican mosaics are entirely inappropriate as tomb décor. Unless, of course, one happens to be an Aztec.
- Kathleen Beck: Y'all can snap at me all you want, but just remember, you'll never cheat me out of my inheritance!
- Marshall Beck: Now, Kathleen, why would we want to do that? After all, you gave Daddy ten of the best months of your life. Certainly ought to be worth thirty or forty million!
- Kathleen Beck: I worked too hard to get where I am...
- Marshall Beck: Yeah, pulled yourself up by your bra-straps.
- Kathleen Beck: Then tonight we get our full inheritance?
- Carlotta Beck: I don't see why not. We did let Bootsie and Wild Bill move in and they did tell George how nicely we've treated them.
- Marshall Beck: Of course, there was that incident with the broken cellar stair, the fallen chandelier and that ugly bout with botulism...
- Carlotta Beck: At first it was difficult for me to believe that I could be related - even by marriage - to a woman who thinks the pinnacle of good taste is owning a rug with Elvis Presley's face on it.
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: I heard a very unpleasant rumor about you at the nursing home, Marshall.
- Marshall Beck: Well, Mother, uh, I've been meaning to tell you somethin' for a long time... I'm bisexual.
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: They say you cheat on your income tax.
- Marshall Beck: Do you know what bisexual means?
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: Of course I know! One foot on the ground and one foot off!
- Marshall Beck: I am in therapy; try an' understand it.
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: Oh, for crying out loud, I don't wanna hear all this! I liked it better when folks had secrets! Anyhow, I'm senile, half my teeth are gone - I don't care if you date goats!
- Carlotta Beck: Really, Stanley, who ever heard of toasting with a soft drink?
- Stanley Beck: Well, Carlotta, I drink this 'cause I'm proud. I'm a Pepper. We're all Peppers. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
- Winona 'Mother B' Beck: [the family finishes singing The Happy Birthday Song] Alright, everybody rub my bottom and make a wish!