Lisa Whelchel: Blair Warner

Quotes 

• Mr. Bigley : You girls pulling my leg? You know what happened here, the Halloween massacre!

  Natalie Green : What massacre?

  Mr. Bigley : Guess you don't know. Let me see now, yes, happened back in '05 when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters.

  Natalie Green : Old maid? That's a very sexist term, but go on.

  Mr. Bigley : One Halloween night, Gertrude the mean one got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi, oh you could hear the dummkopfs and schweinhunds for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped.

  Blair Warner : Why?

  Jo Polniaczek : That's where the massacre part comes in, dummkopf.

  Mr. Bigley : Yes, oh yes, the way I heard it, Old Gertie gut Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what order. So they took Grizzly Gertie away the next day, but people say she never really left, if you know what I mean.

• Tootie Ramsey : [a loud whine of a knife sharpener is heard]  Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced that woman's possessed!

  Blair Warner : Tootie.

  Tootie Ramsey : Don't Tootie me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession! She's got all the symptoms: sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit, she's forgetful, she's lying, she's even got that glint in her eyes!

  Jo Polniaczek : Oh Tootie will you calm down?

  Tootie Ramsey : How can I calm down when poor Mrs. Garrett's in trouble? There must be something in one of my books to help her out.

• Blair Warner : Natalie, you were kidding about Mrs. Garrett coming in here last night, weren't you?

  [Natalie shakes her head] 

  Blair Warner : Well then you were dreaming?

  Natalie Green : Hey anything's possible, but when I dream somebody's standing over my bed, it's going to be Rick Springfield.

  Tootie Ramsey : Guys, this is serious. What if Grizzly Gertie's spirit really is affecting Mrs. Garrett?

  Blair Warner : Tootie, you've been watching too many horror movies.

  Tootie Ramsey : This is nothing to do with movies! If Natalie was dreaming last night, what's Mrs. Garrett's slipper doing in here?

• Natalie Green : Guys, I've got something to show you, take a look at this.

  [takes a plaid shirt out of a trash bag] 

  Blair Warner : It's hardly you, Natalie.

  Natalie Green : It's Mr. Bigley's! I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this!

  [takes out a butcher knife] 

  Blair Warner : That's strange. I just saw Mr. Bigley's package of bratwurst, he never picked it up.

  Natalie Green : I know, that's why I decided to call his motel down the block, you know what I found out?

  Jo Polniaczek : I hate it when you play Columbo.

  Natalie Green : They're looking for Mr. Bigley too! He was supposed to check out at noon but his luggage is still there along with an airline ticket on a flight that left five hours ago.

• Blair Warner : Facts are facts, shortly after Mr. Bigley... disappears... your bratwurst runneth over.

  Edna Garrett : [with a look of horror]  Mr. Bigley... in my bratwurst? Are you girls CRAZY?

  Jo Polniaczek : We asked you first.

• Roy : Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

  Blair Warner : How long have you been in that barrel?

  Jo Polniaczek : Not long enough!