- Thug #2: Hey, little dude from across the street, here you go man.
- [hands Chris some money]
- Chris Rock: What's this?
- Thug #2: I robbed your grandfather a few times. I ain't know you knew him!
- Gene: Okay, knock, knock.
- Chris Rock: Who's there?
- Gene: [clutches his chest in discomfort] Oh, Lordy.
- Chris Rock: Oh, Lordy who?
- Gene: I'm dying.
- Rochelle: I'm dying who?
- Gene: I'm having a heart...
- [collapses on the table]
- Tonya: You're having a heart who?
- Rochelle: Daddy?
- [Gene doesn't answer]
- Rochelle: Daddy. Daddy?
- Narrator: I never did find out who was there.
- Ms. Morello: Chris, why don't you stand up and tell the rest of the class what you're discussing with Gregory.
- Chris Rock: My grandfather died.
- Ms. Morello: Chris, that's not funny. What are you going to do when your grandfather dies for real? Just because you didn't study for a test doesn't mean you can go killing off your family. Who's next? Your father, your mother? Why don't you kill your sister or your brother?
- Narrator: That's my Aunt Charlotte, but we called her Grievey because we only saw her at funerals. No birthdays, no weddings. Just funerals.
- Maxine: Rochelle, can't you make a decent glass of iced tea?
- Chris Rock: Well, can't you leave her alone? It's iced tea! If you're thirsty, well, then you drink it! If you're not, don't!
- Narrator: I might be joining my grandfather sooner than I thought.
- Maxine: Are you going to sit there and let that boy talk to me like that? Boy, don't you know I'll knock you into another family?
- White Mother: [scene cuts to Chris sitting on a couch with a white family] Who are you?
- Chris Rock: You don't want to know.
- Rochelle: Who ate my Turtles?
- Maxine: Oh, is that what you call them things? I ate them, but they was nasty. What's in those things, anyway?
- Rochelle: If you didn't like them, why did you eat them? Mama, I am sick of you. Ever since you got here, you have not stopped complaining. Just because Daddy is dead does not mean that you can come into my house and tell everybody what to do. And Michael, get your feet off of my damn couch before I slap the jam out of your toes. Aunt Grievey, stop all that crying. You cried on Easter. You cried on Halloween. You cried on Flag Day. Get some Kleenex, wipe your nose 'cause it ain't that damn sad. And hang up my phone! And Aunt Mousey, take off your coat and speak up. You're over there peeping and squeaking.
- [makes squeaking noises]
- Rochelle: You sound like a damn rat. Use your words! You're damn near 60 years old! And, Mama, the next time you want to eat my Turtles, the least you could do is like them.
- Narrator: She's back!
- Narrator: Sometimes it felt like all my mother did was yell at everybody.
- Rochelle: Tanya, close the door! You trying to freeze the whole house? Drew, turn that mess down! You trying to make everybody in the house go deaf? And get your feet off my table. Julius! Pick up your drawers! Do I have to do everything around here?
- Narrator: And when I say my mother yelled at everybody, I mean everybody.
- Rochelle: Rochelle, what did I tell me? Are you trying to drive me crazy?
- Gene: Knock, knock.
- Chris Rock: Who's there?
- Gene: Pass me them pork chops.
- Drew: Pass me them pork chops who?
- Gene: No, pass me them pork chops right there.
- [everyone laughs]
- Julius: Chris, you know you're going to have to apologize to your grandmother.
- Chris Rock: How come? She's the one who's been mean to Mom.
- Julius: She's hurting, Chris, and your mother is, too. I know you're trying to protect your mother, but trust me, you do not want to get between the two of them. You ain't gonna win that one. I'm already going to one funeral. I ain't trying to go to another one.