- George Dent: [to Damian] That's an interesting low angle shot. It looks as if the cameraman had to stand in the grave, Damian!
- Damien Day: Well, I mean, the vicar gave permission. He even wanted to do a retake on the ashes to ashes bit.
- Sally Smedley: [to Henry] Have you been invited to appear on this telethon, Henry?
- Henry Davenport: I don't do telethons on principle. I don't agree with financing kidney units by filming gullible viewers riding backwards on unicycles with their underpants over their head.
- Sally Smedley: That's funny. I could have sworn I saw you on last year's telethon reading the news in a bath full of custard while the Krankies pelted you with jam donuts.
- Dave Charnley: [to George] Some more reactions to the Guinness convictions. City's spokesman said they broke the stock market's unwritten code of honour.
- George Dent: What's that?
- Dave Charnley: Don't get caught.
- Alex Pates: [to Gus] Call me an old cynic Gus, but I can't help wondering if this concern over Prince Philip's views has anything to do with the fact that you're meeting him at a charity dinner on Wednesday.
- Gus Hedges: Certainly not. The interface between this job and my private life has a zero rating.
- Les White: I can't believe you're still so bitter.
- Alex Pates: Whatever makes you think I was bitter?
- Les White: Well when you left, you did engrave "Les has a small cock" on the lawn in weedkiller.
- Les White: Oh, Alex there was never anyone else like you.
- Alex Pates: You should know, you tried all the possible alternatives.
- Alex Pates: [to herself] Ok just keep calm Alex. Remember what it's like sharing a bed with a vomit-stained adulterer who's staggered in at 3 o'clock in the morning.
- Gus Hedges: You'll knock them out of the ballpark.
- Alex Pates: What ballpark's this then, Gus? And what sort of game do they play in this ballpark?
- Gus Hedges: Well it's a metaphorical ballpark. It's a park that's...
- Alex Pates: Full of balls. Like everything you say, Gus!