- Charlene: [Ethyl's unconscious] Grandma, can you say something?
- Robbie Sinclair: Hey look, look, I think she's coming around.
- Earl Sinclair: No no no no no, no the hole's already dug, let's get on with it.
- Ethyl Phillups: Not so fast fat boy.
- [takes Earl's shovel and hits him in the face with it]
- Earl Sinclair: [groans] I knew I should've had her cremated.
- [falls down unconscious]
- Ethyl Phillups: .Where am I?
- Robbie Sinclair: Grandma, we brought you home from the station. We were worried.
- Charlene: Yeah, we better call your producer, I mean he thought you were dead.
- Ethyl Phillups: Let him think whatever he wants, I'm not going back.
- Fran Sinclair: But why, Mom? I thought you loved talking about the afterlife.
- Ethyl Phillups: I do, Fran, but if I'm ever gonna go back, I can't just sit around watching the grass grow. What I'm going to do is enjoy life and love each and every one of you... starting tomorrow.
- Fran Sinclair: Why not today?
- Ethyl Phillups: Because today, there's a perfectly good hole in the backyard and we're gonna bury fat boy in it.
- Earl Sinclair: [comes around] What?
- [Ethyl hits him with the shovel again and he's knocked unconscious]
- Baby: Again!
- [hits his toy dinosaur on the head with a toy shovel and laughs]
- Fran Sinclair: Earl, you're watching TV in here and mother's watching TV in there. Wouldn't it be nicer if you both watched TV together?
- Earl: Only if the TV was crushing her head.
- Earl: [Earl is reading an apology card to Fran] What can I say? I've ruined your day / and made you all angry and surly / How could I make such a thoughtless mistake / And bury your mother, too early?
- [Fran doesn't respond]
- Earl: Aw, come on, Fran! They wouldn't make the card, if this didn't happen all the time!
- Narrator: ...Ethyl's seemingly dead body was being buried by simple-minded son-in-law Earl, and his dim-witted friend Ray.
- Roy Hess: Hey! That's an ourage! They got my name wrong.
- Earl Sinclair: That is supposed to be me? That doesn't even look anything like me!
- Baby: Not the mama!
- Earl Sinclair: And why are we watching this show anyway? I wanna watch the puppet show on the other channel.
- Fran Sinclair: That's a kid's show.
- Earl Sinclair: Not so. They do some very sophisticated juxtapositions of reality.
- Fran Sinclair: It'll last a year.
- Ethyl Phillups: Sounds interesting. What exactly did you have in mind?
- Announcer: And now, live via satellite from the cavernous Paradise Shrine where Route 19 meets Interstate 5, it's The Afterlife Show. Starring Ethyl Phillips and her aspiring tales from beyond.
- Ethyl Phillups: How ya doin'?
- Announcer: And the 1,000 voice Ethyl choir.
- Choir Lead: [singing, to the tune of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot"] I looked to the light and what did I see...
- Choir Lead, Chorus: Comin' for to carry me home.
- Choir Lead: I saw Ethyl in her wheelchair/ coming out to me.
- Choir Lead, Chorus: Comin' for to carry me home/ Give dough/ To the Ethyl Show/ Give enough to carry you home.
- Lucius: [Ethyl has fallen unconscious] Uh... Ethyl? Ethyl, you're on.
- [Turns to the camera]
- Lucius: Uh, well, looks like Ethyl has taken a quick trip to check on our contractor in the Great Beyond. You gotta keep an eye on those guys all the time. Well, we'll be right back.
- [studio lights go off]
- Lucius: [whispers] Are we off yet?
- Cameraman: Yep.
- Lucius: Ugh! Ethyl? Ethyl! The old bag's dead again.
- [Ethyl has died the second time and into the afterlife]
- Louie: [echoing] Ethyl! Ethyl!
- [Ethyl sees her late husband in a bubble]
- Ethyl: Louie, is that really you?
- Louie: Hiya, cupcake!
- Ethyl: Oh, Louie it's so good to see you! Am I finally good and dead?
- Louie: Not yet.
- Ethyl: Oh, will you guys stop jerking my chain! I'm dead, I'm alive, I'm dead, I'm alive. If I wake up with dirt in my mouth again...
- Louie: Take it easy, cupcake, they sent me here with a message: stop pushing the afterlife.
- Ethyl: But Louie, it's so beautiful up here.
- Louie: It's just as beautiful where you are, Ethyl. It's more beautiful, because it's life; and you only get a little bit of it. And if you don't live every day of your life to the fullest, you have an eternity to regret it.
- Ethyl: But Louie, I miss you.
- Louie: I miss you too, sweetheart. But it's not your time yet.
- Ethyl: Will we be together, Louie?
- Louie: Soon enough, cupcake, but you've got to go back now; and stop trying to make a buck off the afterlife. Dinosaurs who sell the afterlife may not ever see the afterlife. They may end up someplace not so nice. Look what's waiting for you.
- [Louie shows Ethyl a door titled 'Place Not So Nice', as it opens, five replicas of Earl Sinclair are in the family room]
- Earl: [five, in unison] Hi, Ethyl! Come on in!
- Ethyl: [screams] *No*!