- [Sally walks out in a robe with her hair covered by a hairnet]
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: [Reacts in fright] Ah! Oh!
- Sally Rogers: What's with you?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Sally, Sallly, we've-we've been working together five years. I never knew you looked like that.
- Sally Rogers: Like what?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Like my wife.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled in the hide-a-bed] Look, I'll admit, a lot of strange things are goin' on here but I think that whoever or whatever it is doesn't want to hurt us.
- [as the hide-a-bed starts to fold up on them, they all jump out of it]
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Boy, look at that! A man-eating bed!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [finding himself alone] Laura? Buddy? Sally?
- [looks around]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Who took them? Honey? Sally? Buddy? Mama?
- [face appears in the closet mirror]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Uh oh.
- [turns around and sees the face]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: NYAH!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Did you, uh... Gonna go to bed with your shoes on?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You know I can't run in my bare feet.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, we've been here all evening and not one strange thing has happened.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Oh, no? How about that fireplace?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I told you it's probably a live ember buried in the coals.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, or a dead body buried under the floor.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [all piled into the hide-a-bed] Anybody asleep?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You nuts?
- Sally Rogers: Who could sleep?
- Laura Petrie: I am fast awake.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: My heart's beating so hard it's gonna knock the covers off.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, it's been over two hours now and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
- Sally Rogers: No? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Ghosts, ghosts! That's what it was! This place is haunted like they said.
- Sally Rogers: Who said? A ghost haunted? Who said?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Rob!
- Laura Petrie: Rob?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: He did!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: It isn't!
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: It is!
- Laura Petrie: Well, is it?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I never said...
- Sally Rogers: Well, who?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who who who? It's what he says!
- Laura Petrie: Did you?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I didn't. No, the guy I saw...
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Well, yeah, there was a guy told Rob that the... that the place is haunted! And he says there's a guy got murdered here and he's coming back and he's gonna get all of us!
- Sally Rogers: Who?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Who? That's the ghost with the mustache!
- [the lamp near the sofa comes on by itself]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Buddy, will you turn the light off, please.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: I didn't turn it on.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it went on all by itself then, huh?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: If-if you didn't turn it on, it went on by itself, or...
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, there's probably a logical explanation for that.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, like a live ember in a dead bulb?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: There's one thing I wanna get straight before we go any further.
- [sits on the folded up couch]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: This couch was open!
- [jumps up and over a chair]
- Mr. Little: There are no reservations. No rooms.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Well, that's impossible.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: That's what we've been telling him. Look, Mr. Cooley called and made reservations. Right, Mel?
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: That's right. I...
- [realizes that he forgot and holds his forehead]
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: The Hairless Phantom strikes again.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: Rob and I will work things out. Look, why don't you girls go and have dinner.
- Melvin 'Mel' Cooley: [Referring to Buddy] Oh, and take IT with you. Rob, I-I just feel awful.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Don't feel so bad, Mel. You finally accomplished a great feat - you got everybody hating you at the same time.
- [to stuffed moose on the wall]
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Attack!
- Laura Petrie: Be a good sport. After all, you were the biggest chicken of us all.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: You did some pretty good cluckin' there yourself.
- Laura Petrie: Move over, sissy, your ma is tired.
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, your dad's good looking but we're still not getting a room.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: All I know is that there's someone that wants us to leave here.
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah, yeah, me, me!
- Sally Rogers: Look, Rob, I'm with Buddy. This is getting to be like a bad horror movie. All we're missing is Vincent Price and the thunder and the lightning.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob, I'm scared!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Look, I agree that we should leave here, but let's not lose our heads now.
- [Buddy and Sally open the door to leave, thunder and lightning start, they come back in and put down their bags]
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: All that's missing now is Vincent Price.
- [There is a knock on the bedroom door and it opens by itself]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: The door's open, the door's open.
- Sally Rogers: [nervously] Vincent?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [arriving at the cabin] Buddy, you didn't bring any of the stuff in!
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Yeah...
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Will you go get it, please?
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: W-would you go with me?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: For crying out loud, I'll get it myself!
- Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell: Can... can I go with you?
- Sally Rogers: Those guys have been acting strange all evening. I wonder what's with them?
- Laura Petrie: I think Buddy's just homesick. He probably misses Pickles.
- Sally Rogers: Well, what's with Rob?
- Laura Petrie: He misses me.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, Laura, I can go sleep on the porch.