The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Teacher's Petrie (1964)

Mary Tyler Moore: Laura Petrie

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ritchie Petrie : [told to go to bed]  Should I shut the door so I don't hear the fight?

  Rob Petrie : There's no fight, Rich. Go to bed.

  Laura Petrie : And shut the door.

• Rob Petrie : [suspiciously]  Uh-huh.

  Laura Petrie : What "uh-huh?"

  Rob Petrie : [with a smile]  Oh, noth... nothin'.

  Laura Petrie : Rob, that "nothing" was something.

  Rob Petrie : Huh?

  Laura Petrie : You never say "nothing" unless you mean "something."

  Rob Petrie : Well, no, it was just a nothing "nothing," that's all.

• Millie Helper : You ready to go to class?

  Laura Petrie : Yeah. Rob will be here in a minute. I just have to finish typing this.

  Millie Helper : Jerry typed mine. The idiot, he typed the whole thing with one hand.

  Laura Petrie : How come?

  Millie Helper : He was holdin' his nose with the other one.

• [Rob suspects people of being nice to Laura and Ritchie in order to get to him] 

  Rob Petrie : First they start out being nice to you, and then all of a sudden they ask me if I'll give a lecture or write a play or collaborate on something.

  Laura Petrie : All right, name one person who ever did that. I bet you can't name one.

  Rob Petrie : The Chairman of the Parents' Council, Mrs. something-or-other. And the... the vice-president of the bank, honey. He kept giving you extra pens, and he finally asked me to write him an act.

  Laura Petrie : Uh-huh.

  Rob Petrie : And who... who was it from the...?

  Laura Petrie : See? Ya can't name ANY of 'em.

• Laura Petrie : You wouldn't let Buddy and Sally read this, would you?

  Rob Petrie : D'you want Buddy and Sally's opinion?

  Laura Petrie : I would LOVE it. They are honest, intelligent people. They haven't got any axes to grind. At least they'd be objective about it. I would WELCOME their opinion.

  Rob Petrie : [accepting Laura's paper]  Well, all right, but I'll tell you they're professional writers, just like me, and they're gonna admit that this is not very good.

  Laura Petrie : [snatching her paper back]  What do they know?

• Rob Petrie : Look, I know what you've been trying to do with Laura. I just came down to tell you it's all right with me.

  Laura Petrie : ROB! Darling, you don't know what you're saying.

  Rob Petrie : Yes, I do, honey. Look, it's better than fighting.

• Mr. Caldwell : I'm madly passionately in love with you since the moment I saw you at registration and you put your tiny little pink card into my hand.

  Laura Petrie : Oh, Rob was right You... you did have an ulterior motive.

  Mr. Caldwell : Of course he was right, you're absol... who's Rob?

  Laura Petrie : My husband. He just didn't know how ulterior your motives were.

• Mr. Caldwell : Now, you write about two lovers saying goodbye at a railway station. Why did you use the dialogue form instead of the narrative?

  Laura Petrie : Well, I just wanted to try my hand at dialogue.

  Mr. Caldwell : And you did very well. Very well indeed for the woman's speeches, but the man's dialogue sounded like a cowboy saying goodbye to his horse.

• Laura Petrie : Can you imagine, a man who was hired to teach housewives creative writing has the nerve to come right out and flirt, shamelessly?

  Sally Rogers : Shocking.

  [gets up to leave] 

  Rob Petrie : Where are you going, Sal?

  Sally Rogers : To see if there's an opening in that rat's class.

• Millie Helper : You know, maybe I'm a little hard on Jerry. After all, he said I could be a writer because I look a little bit like Joyce Kilmer.

  Laura Petrie : Joyce Kilmer?

  Millie Helper : Yeah, you think so?

  Laura Petrie : Millie, Joyce Kilmer was a man.

  Millie Helper : I'll kill him. I'll kill him.