Coupling (TV Series)

Size Matters (2000)

Sarah Alexander: Susan Walker

Quotes 

• [Jeff is giving Steve tips before his first date with Susan. Susan and Sally have walked into the bar behind Jeff without his knowledge] 

  Jeff : OK, foreplay tip number two.

  [Steve sees Sally and Susan and looks horrified] 

  Jeff : Whoever you normally fantasize about during sex, start calling them 'Susan.' With you, it's always Mariella Frostrup, right?

  [Steve smiles awkwardly at Susan] 

  Jeff : Well, call her 'Susan Frostrup'! That way, when you're in bed with Susan, you won't shout the wrong name when you have your eyes shut!

  Susan : Or you could call her 'God.'

  Jeff : [not realizing]  Well, yeah, I mean, that'd work.

  [realizes, turns around and chuckles nervously] 

  Susan : [coming around the table]  So is it absolutely necessary to think about somebody else?

  Jeff : Well, everybody does. That's why there are so many celebrity marriages.

  Sally : I'm sorry?

  Jeff : Eh? Well, you know, if - if you fantasize about someone else during sex, and so does your partner, and, you know, those two people that you're fantasizing about happen to meet while you're still doing it, they're bound to sense something, aren't they? Because they're connecting on, like, a virtual plane. So can you imagine what it was like when Posh first met Beckham? They were the epicenter of a non-stop, nationwide virtual shag! Ehh!

  [does his hand thing] 

  Jeff : I mean, it's no wonder she got pregnant!

  [laughs] 

  Susan : When the van comes for you, Jeff, go quietly.

  Jeff : [resignedly]  ... OK.

• Sally : You know what "I'll cook" says? It says, "Let's have sex."

  Susan : No, that would be, "Come and spend the night with me."

  Sally : "Come and spend the night with me" says, "Let's have sex." "I'll cook" says, "Let's have sex and I'll cater."

• Susan : Do you find your batteries always run out quickly?

  Steve : I've never had any complaints.

• Susan : [she and Steve are about to make love together for the first time]  Let's get squelchy!