Clueless (TV Series)

Driving Me Crazy (1996)

Rachel Blanchard: Cher Horowitz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mr. Dunny : [opening lines]  Now, class, in order for you to become members of the driving community, you're going to have to actually read and memorize this.

  [displays driver handbook] 

  Jasmine : Guys, listen to this. Left turn from a two-way street onto a one-way street, right turn from a one-way street to a two-way street.

  [sighs] 

  Jasmine : This is supposed to make sense?

  Cher Horowitz : Jas, you just transferred here from New York...

  [becomes voiceover:] 

  Cher Horowitz : I think she is still a little jet-lagged.

  Sean Holiday : Ah, Mr. Dunny, when I get to a T-intersection, am I allowed to make a U-turn, because that's two different letters?

  [class laughs] 

  Mr. Dunny : I know this might seem complicated, and I wish I had a lot of big, fuzzy puppets to explain it to you all, but I don't, so instead, we're just gonna go straight to our first training film, Wheels of Tragedy.

• Cher Horowitz : [raising her hand]  Uh, Mr. Dunny, could we maybe postpone this whole driving thing, like... till we're thirty?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Hello, Mr. Dunny... you really should just excuse me from this, because I don't need it. Murray or his replacement will be driving me everywhere, so...

  Sean Holiday : [grinning]  Unless you get replaced first.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [jeering at him]  If!

• Cher Horowitz : Maybe this driving thing isn't as easy as it looks.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I never thought it looked easy.

  Cher Horowitz : By the way, did you notice that Queenie was noticably absent today?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Absolutely chicken.

  Cher Horowitz : So obviously tipped off about the film festival.

  Amber Mariens : [arriving]  Oh, did I miss Wheels of Tragedy? Sorry I was late, I had a little appointment at the DMV... where I picked up... this!

  [laughingly showing off driver's license] 

  Amber Mariens : It goes perfectly with the new car Daddy bought me.

  Cher Horowitz : [surprised]  You got your license?

  Amber Mariens : Yes, so I'm sorry, I won't be able to join you in your little

  [patronizing gesture] 

  Amber Mariens : film society.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : How did you do this? You just turned sixteen last week.

  Amber Mariens : Practice. Daddy's been letting me drive since I was twelve.

  Cher Horowitz : Isn't that illegal?

  Amber Mariens : [scoffs]  We just drive on our own property. I mean, who's going to arrest us, the landscaper?

  [laughs] 

  Amber Mariens : Oh, well, now the freeway is my oyster. And while you pedestrians are scrambling around trying to find a ride, I will be driving

  [crows with joy] 

  Amber Mariens : to all the parties, and handsome men will snap to my command. Oh, I can't wait to use valet!

  [giggles merrily, goes off] 

  Amber Mariens : Fun!

  Jasmine : This should be new for her, sitting in the front seat.

  Cher Horowitz : You know, guys, this puts us under serious pressure.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Ah, please, if she can do this. we can do it. All we have to do, is practice.

  [they all go off, Cher follows with a sigh] 

• Mel Horowitz : [handing Cher the ignition keys to his brand-new top-of-the-range Mercedes-Benz]  Wasn't I just buckling you into a car seat? Ah, you kids! You grow up so fast!

  [inside the car:] 

  Mel Horowitz : You ready?

  Cher Horowitz : [nervously]  I hope so.

  Mel Horowitz : You'll be fine. Now, driving is a straightforward series of actions.

  [she nods] 

  Mel Horowitz : The important thing is to remain calm and focused and to keep your eyes on the road. Now, you start the car,

  [points] 

  Mel Horowitz : adjust your mirror, look behind you, and back out of the driveway.

  Cher Horowitz : [smiles]  Okay.

  [starts engine, adjusts rear-view mirror, and reverses out, not too badly, but heavy on the brakes, and they're still rocking:] 

  Cher Horowitz : I did it, Daddy! I kept the wheels straight and everything!

  Mel Horowitz : [realizing this is not going as smoothly as envisioned]  Oh, it's very good, sweetheart, very good.

  [the car stands sideways in the middle of the road] 

  Mel Horowitz : Ah, maybe now you might wanna turn the wheel?

  [she reverses, heavy on the brakes again] 

  Mel Horowitz : Ah, now you might wanna put it in drive?

  Cher Horowitz : Oh...

  [car pulls away drunkenly, to the tune of Relax, Don't Do it by Frankie Goes to Hollywood] 

  Mel Horowitz : [thrown backwards and forwards by erratic driving]  Sweetheart... maybe... we should talk about braking. Huh?

  [strained:] 

  Mel Horowitz : It's a gradual... depression of the pedal... so that you and your poor passenger doesn't go... through the window...!

  Cher Horowitz : [panicked]  I can't help it, Daddy! It's the car!

  Mel Horowitz : All right! Cher, forget it, forget about... forget about the brake pedal, okay?

  Cher Horowitz : Stop yelling at me!

  Mel Horowitz : Just drive! Just drive! Here... here...

  [she narrowly misses oncoming traffic] 

  Mel Horowitz : Left! Uh-huh. Right... right... all right, now left, left...

  Cher Horowitz : Well, every time you move the wheel, the whole car goes!

  Mel Horowitz : Exactly! Stop, Cher!

  [they collide with a stop sign that topples over] 

  Mel Horowitz : I meant stop before you hit the sign!

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, Daddy, that sign came out of nowhere! It all happened so fast!

  [dejected:] 

  Cher Horowitz : It's no use, I can't do this!

  Mel Horowitz : [exasperated]  Never again, Cher! Never again!

  [she whines] 

• Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [Cher cross-legged on the floor, Dee kneeling, trying to illustrate road safety to Cher using designer shoes]  Okay. Before the Gucci can make a left turn, it has to wait for the Anna Sui and the Charles Davis to clear.

  [deftly demonstrating as if the shoes were cars] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : See?

  Cher Horowitz : [utterly dismayed]  Dee, I destroyed public property. And I dented Daddy's car.

  [grabs a pillow from couch, hugging it] 

  Cher Horowitz : I was a menace. And... and he just kept on yelling at me, "Never again! Never again!"

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [shaking her head]  Well, I guess not, Cher, but you know, it's really hard, they put those signs in weird places, and you were probably just concentrating too hard on the system.

  Cher Horowitz : The system?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Didn't your Dad teach you the system?

  Cher Horowitz : No.

  [causing Dee to have a flashback] 

• Dionne "Dee" Davenport : You don't want me to drive, because you wanna control me. You wanna know where I'm at, at all times.

  Murray : [coming round the front of the car]  Listen, I don't care if you get your license, all right, I want you to drive. I just don't want you to drive when I'm in the vicinity, all right? Now get out of the car!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : No, I have the license. And it's not all about you, Murray!

  Murray : Get out of the car, Dee!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : No!

  Murray : Go!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [her flashback over, back to the present, talking to Cher]  And then he totally scuds me!

  Cher Horowitz : Majorly unsupportive. I am way offended for you.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Thanks.

• Josh : [Cher scoffs as he enters]  Hey, Cher, I hear you're bringing your redecorating skills to the city property now.

  Cher Horowitz : [gets up, wounded tone]  I'm glad you find my vehicular shortcomings so amusing.

  Josh : Aw, look, Cher, come on, everybody has something like that when they first start out. You know, I never told anybody, but the first time Mel took me out...

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Is that the time you bumped topiary incident? I think I heard about that.

  Cher Horowitz : [to Josh]  Well, Mel was ranting about it for days after you left for your Mom's.

  Josh : [sighs]  The point is, why don't I take you out for a couple of lessons, you know? I know Mel could be a hothead.

  Cher Horowitz : [sighs]  Josh, that's way Mother Teresa of you... but I'm not getting behind a wheel. I'm a complete driving doofus.

  Josh : [sighs]  Well, I'm... I'm here if you need me. Just let me know.

  [gets up, leaves] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Observation.

  [gets up] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Maybe the stepbrother is right. I mean, it's probably our respective instructors. I bet, if we went and took our tests, we would so fully be in the passing lane.

  Cher Horowitz : [scoffs uncertainly]  Maybe you.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : No, both of us. I know. If we went down tomorrow and took our tests, we would so fully pass.

• Cher Horowitz : [driver's license testing grounds]  Did I pass?

  DMV Examiner : [weird guy, weird voice]  Well, let's see. You sideswiped the school bus, you drove the wrong way down the freeway, you knocked down sixteen pedestrians, oh,

  [yelling:] 

  DMV Examiner : and by the way, here in America, we usually don't wear pajamas to our driving test!

  Cher Horowitz : [looks down at her night-clothes and robe in total dismay]  Aw...

  DMV Examiner : And your English final is in five minutes, and you completely forgot to study.

  [raucous evil laughter] 

  Cher Horowitz : [waking up from nightmare]  Oh, the horror and humiliation! I'm never going to be able to do this. I'm doomed to be a non-driving freak!

  [collapses back onto her pillow] 

• Cher Horowitz : [as driving license tryout Jasmine displays road rage]  Wow, Jasmine, you are so driving!

  [car zooms] 

  Cher Horowitz : You are totally road-worthy!

• Mr. Dunny : [waiting for learner driver to pull away]  Okay, Cher, the coast is clear, let's go!

  [no response] 

  Mr. Dunny : Cher?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Come on, Cher, you are fully capable.

  [as Cher stammers an excuse, reminding her:] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I did it.

  Jasmine : Cher, are you feeling a little un-confident?

  Mel Horowitz : [his angry face in Cher's mind]  Never again, Cher, never again!

  Cher Horowitz : [defeated look]  I, uhm... I'm feeling kinda car-sick. I don't think I can drive... today. I can't drive today.

  [gets out of the car] 

• Murray : [in class, handing her Jasmine's driver's license]  Cher, check it out.

  Cher Horowitz : [sadly envious]  That's a very flattering photo, Jasmine.

  Jasmine : Thanks.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [entering, showing off her license card]  I came, I saw,

  [with a jubilant jump:] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I am driving!

• Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Cher,

  [holds up license card] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : look.

  Cher Horowitz : [sadly envious]  That's a very flattering photo.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [giggles, then turns to Murray]  Hey, I need to borrow your car Saturday afternoon.

  Murray : [shaking his head]  Sorry, sweetie, you're not on the insurance.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [nudges him]  Yet.

  [winks] 

• Cher Horowitz : [in her mind]  Welcome to the dollhouse, Cher. I am such a chi standing all alone. Please, I am being hypersensitive. Nobody notices.

  [but...] 

  Amber Mariens : Oh, Cher, I've seen everybody's driver's license but yours.

  [condescending:] 

  Amber Mariens : Are you embarrassed by the picture?

  Cher Horowitz : [vulnerable]  No.

  Amber Mariens : Oh.

  [laughs] 

  Amber Mariens : Bad, Amber! Bad! Bad, Amber!

  [laughs] 

  Amber Mariens : That's right! You choked! You didn't take the test! What's the matter, Cher? Are you afraid you'll fail?

• Cher Horowitz : [voiceover]  I was destined to maintain my pedestrian status.

  [in her mind, forever walking, dog-tired] 

  Cher Horowitz : All I could do was chip in and read the math. I'm not good at that either.

  Amber Mariens : [in Cher's mind, in convertible pulling up next to her, gloating]  Need a lift, Cher?

  Cher Horowitz : [voiceover]  I had become a vehicular pariah.

• Mr. Hall : [in class]  Cher? Is something wrong?

  Cher Horowitz : [sitting forlornly at her desk, rest of classroom empty]  No.

  Mr. Hall : Aren't you gonna be late for your next class? Uh, Driver's Ed, isn't it?

  Cher Horowitz : Uh, I'm the only one left.

  Mr. Hall : Oh, that's, uh, nice. Be like a... private tutorial.

  Cher Horowitz : [scoffs softly]  Oh, Mr. Hall, it's so pathetic. I can't do it. Everyone else can and I can't.

  [dejected:] 

  Cher Horowitz : I'll never drive.

  Mr. Hall : Uhm, Cher, did you read last week's assignment in Don Quixote?

  Cher Horowitz : Mr. Hall, I've been a little preoccupied with my automotive distress.

  Mr. Hall : You know, Cher, uh,

  [sits down] 

  Mr. Hall : everybody does this at some time or another. Sometimes when I'm teaching, I even find it happening to me. And whenever it does, I think, uh, windmills.

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, do you mean like happy things from Holland? Like tulips and clogs and Gouda?

  Mr. Hall : Well, let's look in the book. It seems, in Chapter 8, Don Quixote finds himself on a plain dotted with windmills.

  Cher Horowitz : [rising, intrigued]  Oh, that's right! He attacked them because he thought they were giants.

  Mr. Hall : Exactly! Now, Cher, are windmills giants?

  Cher Horowitz : [laughs]  No...

  Mr. Hall : But he thought they were. And so he, uh...

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, Mr. Hall... I really appreciate your courageous attempt to help... but I think I'm beyond even metaphorical assistance.

  Mr. Hall : But why don't you think about it? Because great literature can often have the answer to our problems.

  [this hits home with Cher] 

• Cher Horowitz : [in her room, reaching for a fortune cookie]  Well, Mr. Hall did say great literature contains the answers.

  [reads the message:] 

  Cher Horowitz : You will walk with happiness for the rest of your life.

  Cher Horowitz : [whines]  Oh, even Hunan Gardens knows I'll never drive!

• Josh : [entering]  How's the pedestrian?

  Cher Horowitz : Josh, it's not funny.

  Josh : Oh, look, Cher, I really think you're making too much of this. Everybody fails that test, you know?

  [sits down next to her on bed] 

  Josh : I failed it the first time I took it.

  Cher Horowitz : Really?

  Josh : No. No, not really. I was just trying to make you feel better. But look what this is doing to you, Cher, you can't let this happen. Come on, I'll go take you out for a drive right now.

  Cher Horowitz : I can't...

  Josh : Yes, you can! I'll be right next to you.

  [takes her hand, pulls her along] 

  Josh : Come on, you're gonna do great!

• Josh : [as they drive along in his Jeep]  Look, Cher, you can do it. Hands on wheel, gas, go!

  Cher Horowitz : No, I can't.

  Josh : All right, I'll tell you what. You'll just drive from one Starbucks to the next, that's got to be, what, about two hundred feet?

  Cher Horowitz : Josh, it's no use. Look, I appreciate it, but I'm just one of those hopeless cases.

  [he sighs, and then she spots something:] 

  Cher Horowitz : Josh, stop the car!

  Josh : Why? Do you wanna drive?

  Cher Horowitz : No, pull over, it's a hurt dog, stop the car! Pull over!

  [car stops next to limping English sheep-dog, she scurries over] 

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, you poor thing!

  [dog whines] 

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, his name is Buster. Oh, we're gonna take care of you, okay?

  [struggling to pick up the big dog, grunts] 

  Cher Horowitz : Josh, help us, I can't carry him, he's too heavy.

  [running to the Jeep] 

  Cher Horowitz : Hurry!

  [climbing in behind the wheel] 

  Cher Horowitz : Hurry!

• Josh : [Cher steering the Jeep through city traffic as Josh holds the dog, to the tune of To Dream The Impossible Dream]  You know what you're doing?

  Cher Horowitz : [glancing at him]  I'm taking Buster to the vet!

  Josh : No, Cher, you're driving!

  Cher Horowitz : I am?

  [realizes:] 

  Cher Horowitz : I am!

  [laughs, and her smiling face becomes her driver's ID] 

• [last lines] 

  Cher Horowitz : [voiceover, as Mr. Hall opens gift bag to find card]  Dear Mr. Hall, I finally comprehended what you were trying to say. Driving was my windmill, but I overcame my fears and totally aced the driving test. Thanks to you and that coyote guy, I'm now a licensed member of the driving community.

  [teacher finds an edible windmill snack too, which he starts to munch]