- Scudworth: Stamos! Damn his jet black hair and award winning smile! Oh I'm a failure! I start to dial, but i never call anyone back! You should see my car, it's a mess. I'm a mess. I go to the submarine sandwich restaurant and i leave my submarine sandwich restaurant value card at home every time! All I want is a free sandwich. STAMOS!
- Abe Lincoln: I think I might be in love with Joan! Do you think there's a chance she returns my feelings?
- Joan of Arc: [montage of various scenes of Joan *almost* telling Abe she loves him]
- Abe Lincoln: What?
- Gandhi: [slaps Abe]
- Abe Lincoln: I see.