- Sir Hugh Maharggs: Homosexuals can't swim... they attract enemy radar. They attract sharks. They insist on being placed at the Captain's Table. They.. get up late, they nudge people whilst they're shooting. They muck about. Imagine the fear of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat - when you retire at night you think to yourself: "God. Will I wake up and find everybody dead?". You can't run a ship like that.
- Man at political rally: He's talking in the middle of the rally and he just gets out his dick, man...
- David Wavvin: You've got a cable TV channel haven't you?
- David Sullivan: No, I've got a license for a little adult channel, which is...
- David Wavvin: What, a channel for little adults?
- David Sullivan: Yes.
- Chris Morris: Now, throughout tonight's program we've also had a naked asexual man up a stick watching some pornography. Have you reached any conclusions?
- [man shakes his head]
- Chris Morris: Well, I hope that's been of some help.
- Rubeglia Palliativa: He has... thrust aside the curtain and proclaimed - admitted - politics is just spewing jism in public - but, do we listen? No we just weep like teased vaginas.
- Senator Dale Lee Agsby: I have for many years suffered secretly from the painful effects of Prestodidwick's Congina... a rare blood disorder which causes sudden involuntary erective pressure.
- Austen Tassletine: For the mischief makers, it's been a gift on a plate... and for the entrepeneurs - a bonus bonanza boom-bomb-benefit bowling alley!
- Austen Tassletine: Would there really have been all this fuss if Agsby had been a woman. I somehow doubt it, don't you?