A Bit of a Do (TV Series)

The Dentist's Dinner Dance (1989)

Wayne Foskett: Elvis Simcock

Quotes 

• [Elvis is working as wine waiter] 

  Simon : Waiter!

  Elvis : Yes, sir.

  Simon : Elvis?

  Elvis : Simon?

  Simon : Good Lord. Ah, this is my sister's husband's brother. Sorry, must be a bit embarrassing for you.

  Elvis : No, not really. Though you might try something a little more polite than yelling "Waiter!".

  Simon : What's rude about that?

  Elvis : Well, how would you like it if I popped into your office and yelled "Estate agent!"?

  Simon : That's different.

  Elvis : Yeah - you're a member of a profession and I'm only a waiter.

  Simon : I think you're rather forgetting your position, Elvis.

  Elvis : I *was* speaking as your sister's husband's brother. Speaking as a waiter...

  Elvis : [obsequiously]  What can I get you, sir?

• [Elvis is working as a wine waiter and has just delivered drinks to Simon and his friends] 

  Simon : So, Elvis, are you finding your *three years* as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?

  Elvis : Incredibly.

  Simon : Oh, good, good. You don't feel that the taxpayers' money has been poured down the drain, then?

  Elvis : Money, money, money! I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till. In my brief spell as a waiter, Simon, I have learned the answer to a question that has exercised philosophers down the ages.

  Simon : What question?

  Elvis : Is the external world real or is it just a figment of the imagination? Do you exist outside my mind? I now know that you do.

  Simon : How?

  Elvis : [snarls]  Because I wouldn't have wasted my time inventing anyone as *futile* as you!

  Simon : [snarls]  Ditto... with knobs on!

  Elvis : Precisely. Case proven.

  [pause] 

  Elvis : [obsequiously]  That'll be £9.46, sir. Call it £10 for cash.