- Elverna Bradshaw: Shorty, you're cute.
- Shorty Kellems: You know somethin', after a month in the root cellar, you don't look bad yourself.
- Jed Clampett: So, you called Elverna?
- Shorty Kellems: Yep. I told her I heard about her fixin' up the hotel and I asked her if she'd sell the hotel to me.
- Shad: What did she say?
- Shorty Kellems: She said, no she wouldn't. She said business was good and the hotel was full of traveling salesmen. Then I asked her if it was true she had won a beauty contest. She said it was.
- Jed Clampett: See?
- Shorty Kellems: Then I offered her a $200 profit and she still said no. So, we got to dickering back and forth and forth and back and finally she said to me, Shorty Kellems she said, The only way you'll ever get your hands on this hotel again is if you marry me.
- Shad: What did you say Shorty?
- Shorty Kellems: Shad, I thought it over for a minute. Then I hit her with them three little words: Kiss my foot!
- Shorty Kellems: [to Jed and Shad] Let's play checkers.
- Jed Clampett: Elverna won the Silver Dollar City beauty contest.
- Shorty Kellems: Just a minute.
- Jed Clampett: What's the matter, Shorty?
- Shorty Kellems: Somethin' in my ear. Sounded like you said Elverna won the beauty contest.
- Shad: She did.
- Shorty Kellems: Musta been the only one in it.
- Jed Clampett: I've often dreamed of bein' alone on a desert island with Elverna.
- Shad: I've had that same dream.
- Shorty Kellems: I must not remember Elverna as good as I thought.
- Shorty Kellems: [about the beauty contest] Elverna won hands down, goin' away.
- Daisy Moses: Did he say "hands down, goin' away?"
- Jed Clampett: Yep.
- Daisy Moses: I guess she could win in that position. Always has been her best side.
- Shorty Kellems: Granny, I'm marryin' a beauty queen.
- Daisy Moses: I thought you was marryin' Elverna.
- Shorty Kellems: I had 4 long weeks in that root cellar to meditate and reflect on my sins. I done a lot of prayin', lot of repentin'.
- Jed Clampett: You done considerable eatin' too.
- Shorty Kellems: All that prayin' and repentin' gives a feller an appetite.
- Shad: As long as you was filled with the Spirit.
- Shorty Kellems: Oh, I was. Granny left a couple of jugs in there.
- Shad: Shorty's mended his ways, Granny.
- Jed Clampett: Yeah, he's repented, give up sinnin'.
- Daisy Moses: Got the Spirit, huh?
- Shorty Kellems: Who told you?... Oh, that Spirit, yeah. Hallelujah!
- Jed Clampett: Well, they say, "Everything has got its price."
- Shad: Jed, the only way Shorty can get that hotel back is to marry Elverna.
- Jed Clampett: Mighty high price.
- Shad: Jed, did you sure enough dream of bein' alone on a island with Elverna?
- Jed Clampett: Worst nightmare I ever had.