- Jane Hathaway: Granny, Mr. Clampett tells me that you've conjured up some sort of love charm for Elly May.
- Elly May Clampett: Right chere it is, made out of old secrets.
- Jane Hathaway: That is ludicrous, irrational, sophomoric, and pure hokum.
- Daisy Moses: [Granny laughs] You didn't even guess one ingredient.
- Jed Clampett: Turn ol' Duke loose so he can go in there and protect Elly.
- Sonny Drysdale: Now we'll practice diction and intonation at the same time. How now, brown cow. How now, brown cow.
- Jethro Bodine: What's he talkin' about?
- Jed Clampett: He thinks ol' Duke is a cow. You best fetch Granny. It appears to be she threw too strong a charm on that boy.
- Sonny Drysdale: How now, brown cow.
- Elly May Clampett: How now, brown cow.
- Jethro Bodine: How's it goin', Uncle Jed?
- Jed Clampett: Bad. Now he's got Elly believin' ol' Duke is a cow.
- Daisy Moses: You want your daughter to be an old maid?
- Jed Clampett: 'Course not.
- Daisy Moses: Next year, she'll be too old to get a husband. She's almost 18!