- Jane Hathaway: The only place we are going is to the town where Mr. Drysdale is being held and we are going to take him out of that jail.
- Homer Cratchit: No no no, I'll have no part of a lynch mob.
- Sam Drucker: Hey Fred can I barrow your truck to run over to Ripely?
- Fred Ziffel: Oh I recon so. But take it easy Arnold asleep on the front seat. He's up half the night watching the late late show.
- Sam Drucker: You know Fred you treat that pig better then you do your wife.
- Fred Ziffel: Have you seen Doris lately?
- Fred Ziffel: Sam?
- Sam Drucker: Yeah?
- Fred Ziffel: What time you coming back?
- Sam Drucker: Well just as quick as I can Fred. You see a friend of a friend is in Jail over in Ripely and I want to see if I can talk the Judge into taking it easy on him.
- Fred Ziffel: You don't mean Old Vinegar Joe Johnson the hanging Judge?
- Sam Drucker: Oh now Fred Judge Johnson ain't so bad.
- Fred Ziffel: Where that man spits grass never grows again.
- Harry: He only turned mean after his Wife run off with that Banker from Kansas City.
- Sam Drucker: You see Fred I won't have no trouble as long as the prisoner ain't a Banker or a City feller.
- Jed Clampett: If Mr. Drysdale's been doin' the cookin' for Jethro and Elly's bear, he ain't had much time for bankin'.
- Jethro Bodine: Am I glad you is all back. Especially you, Granny. I love you. Can I carry you to the house?
- Daisy Moses: Oh, if it makes you happy, Jethro.
- Jethro Bodine: Oh it does. I wanna get you to the stove as quick as I can.
- Daisy Moses: Wait a minute, Jed. When we was on that train, Christmas night, I recollect Sam Drucker lookin' out the window and sayin' he seen a bear drivin' a truck.
- Jed Clampett: Yeah, we just thought he'd had too much egg nog.
- Jethro Bodine: That was Fairchild. I learned him how to drive so he could spell Mr. Drysdale at the wheel.
- Daisy Moses: A bear?
- Jethro Bodine: He ain't bad, Granny. He hogs the road a lot, but the other drivers never complain.
- Milburn Drysdale: Keep your voice down and put that corn whiskey away. If he wakes up and sees that jug, he'll go for it.
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: You mean you let that bear drink?
- Milburn Drysdale: Try and stop him. He's sleeping one off now and when he wakes up with a hangover, oh he's mean.
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: You've got to be crazy to be driving around with a drunken bear.
- Milburn Drysdale: That's nothing. But when he's driving, then it's nervous.
- Milburn Drysdale: Are you sure you talked to the Commerce Bank?
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: That's the one.
- Milburn Drysdale: Well, who did you talk to? I'll fire them.
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: I couldn't catch the name, he was laughing to hard
- Milburn Drysdale: Did you tell him his boss was in jail.
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: Yes sir. That's when he started laughing.
- Jane Hathaway: Mr. Cratchit, where is Ripley?
- Homer Cratchit: I'll never tell, Miss Hathaway, never never never.
- Jed Clampett: He's committed murder?
- Jane Hathaway: Not yet, but I'm afraid he will when he gets back to the bank.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Is that the degenerate criminal I had to give up my fishin' trip for just when the bass started bitin'?
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: You're in contempt of court just from the way you look.
- Milburn Drysdale: It's not my fault. I didn't sleep a wink last night. They were building a scaffold outside my cell.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Yeah, we gonna hang that big city banker that ran off with my wife.
- Milburn Drysdale: Hang him? Why?
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: He brought her back.
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: Sorry about the delay, your honor, but the bear got loose and treed your wife.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Was that Phoebe he chased up a tree?
- Sheriff Pete Ragsdale: Yes, your honor, and I'm afraid she's still up there.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: [to Mr. Drysdale] How much you want for that bear?
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: What else is this hobo charged with?
- Bailiff: Transportin' moonshine.
- [puts a jug on the Judge's bench]
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Smells like Tennessee Tranquilizer.
- Daisy Moses: You got a good nose on you, Judge. That's just what it is.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Who are you?
- Daisy Moses: I'm her Granny and I made that stuff you're sniffin'.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: You may approach the bench.
- [whispers to Granny]
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: How would you like to go fishin' too?
- Daisy Moses: Can I take Elly and her bear with us?
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: I insist on it.
- Daisy Moses: It's a deal.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Bailiff, is there any more of this here evidence?
- Bailiff: Yes, your honor, 3 jugs.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: I want it all impounded on my boat. Court's adjourned.
- Jed Clampett: Your honor, Mr. Drysdale is a real good friend of ours. I can vouch for his character.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: If I was to turn him loose, is he the kind of a banker that would run off with my wife?
- Jed Clampett: Naw, he wouldn't do nuthin' like that.
- Judge Vinegar Joe Johnson: Well, in that case, we might as well take him fishin' with us. Prisoner is sentenced to cut bait.
- Sam Drucker: I'd be real careful what I say about Judge Johnson. There's two kinds of men he don't like, and you're both of 'em.
- Milburn Drysdale: I am a Beverly Hills banker.
- Sam Drucker: Bingo.