- Jed Clampett: Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic.
- Countess Maria: You know, I think I'm in love with you.
- Jed Clampett: Never mind Granny, she's had enough.
- Countess Maria: My last husband was an earl.
- Jed Clampett: Oh, well I got a cousin that pretty near married Earl.
- Countess Maria: Really?
- Jed Clampett: Yeah, Earl Scruggs, you know him?
- Granny: I been watchin' the tv. The Republicans claim that the Democrats is draggin' their feet, and the Democrats come back and say the Republicans ain't got a leg to stand on.
- Jed Clampett: I'll say this. You get enough of your tonic into them two parties, this country's gonna have one rip-snortin' election.
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Milburn, those dreadful
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale, Milburn Drysdale: Hillbillies are at it again.
- Countess Maria: Are you sure the little gypsy woman who makes this tonic lives here in this mansion?
- Humphrey - Chauffeur: Yes Madame. Her exact words were, "Howdy neighbor, we'ins live yonder" and pointed at this house.
- Countess Maria: I may marry again, possibly an American this time.
- Humphrey - Chauffeur: Begging your pardon, Madame, I don't believe there are any titled Americans.
- Countess Maria: Oh, but who cares? I've married a count, a duke, a baron, a marquis, and an earl. This time I want a man with red blood in his veins.
- Granny: Well, here's lookin' at you, Jed.
- [Granny drinks her tonic]
- Jed Clampett: Granny, you ain't lookin' at me.
- Granny: Wahoo!
- [Granny does a somersault]
- Granny: Water... I gotta have water.
- [Granny jumps in the ceement pond]
- Jed Clampett: Somethin' tells me folks are gonna talk about this election for years to come.
- Jed Clampett: Jethro, I gotta admire your brain.
- Jethro Bodine: Why thank you.
- Jed Clampett: Now that I've admired it, git it outta here.