- Alfred Pennyworth: Dare we hope that Gotham treats you to an early evening, sir?
- Batman: I should be so lucky. The police emergency band just switched on.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Then I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee... bandages.
- Batman: Goodnight, Alfred.
- The Mad Hatter: You know, Alice in Wonderland was always my favorite story. Do you remember "The Mock Turtle Song"? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?
- The Mad Hatter: I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!
- Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet... a soulless little doll.
- The Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!
- The Mad Hatter: [sobbing] Would not, could not... would not, could not... oh, could not join the dance.
- Dr. Marcia Cates: Bruce, you remember Jervis Tetch.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: [shaking Bruce's hand] H-hello.
- Bruce Wayne: Of course. I read your proposal on using microchips to enhance the brain's potential. Sounds intriguing.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Actually, the prototype isn't quite ready yet.
- Dr. Marcia Cates: Tetch, I think we owe our founder and employer, Mr. Wayne a little more than lame excuses.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Sorry.
- Bruce Wayne: That's all right, Dr. Cates. Mr. Tetch is a valued member of our research team. I'm sure we can spare him more time.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: As you say, Bruce.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Thank you.
- Dr. Marcia Cates: [to Tetch after Bruce leaves] You got off easy this time, Tetch. But heads could roll if you slip up again.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Of course, intellectually, I know it's all wrong. She's got a boyfriend, after all. Better to withdraw like a gentlemen. Forget her. Turn my heart to other pursuits. Never! Look, I've already developed a circuitry card powerful enough to control a human brain. It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love me. But it would reduce her to a soulless shell. Oh, no... not my Alice. Oh, it's hopeless.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: [after hearing Alice broke up with Billy] O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Ha ha, she's mine for the asking! I'll sweep her off her feet, treat her to a wonderful night on the town and -... and nothing. Oh, what could a beautiful girl like her see in someone like me? How could I impress her?
- Alice Pleasance: This is really a surprise, Jervis. You're so... quiet at work.
- The Mad Hatter: Oh, still waters run deep, my dear. It's always been my philosophy that people should take what they want from life.
- Thug: Hey, ours too. Okay, Mr. Hat, let's have the money.
- The Mad Hatter: On your way, curs, lest I'm forced to teach you a lesson.
- Dr. Marcia Cates: Tetch! I don't know what you've done, but Mr. Wayne is demanding to see you in his office now! I'm warning you, if you've got my department into any kind of trouble...
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Oh, do be quiet, Dr. Cates!
- The Mad Hatter: Are you, the famous Batman, so intent upon destroying my happiness that you'll hurt these poor mind-warped innocents to get me?
- The Mad Hatter: Good evening, Ms. Pleasance. I'm here to help you forget your recent heartbreak. Gotham can be a Wonderland, Alice. Tonight, let me be your guide.
- Alice Pleasance: I'll get my coat.
- Thug: Please, Mr. Hat, go easy on us.
- Thug: We're sorry. Honest.
- The Mad Hatter: Why don't you do something useful, like, oh... go jump in the river?
- Thug: Okay.
- [first lines]
- Jervis Tetch: [setting a table and tea tray down for his lab rats] Oh, dear. Such table manners. Perhaps I can make you act a bit more civilized.
- [the electrodes on their heads activate, and they all obediently sit around the table politely]
- Jervis Tetch: Ha ha! Bravo! They all laughed when I said I'd find a way to tap into another creature's mind. Why, with this band and these electrodes, I can control anything.
- Alice Pleasance: Thank you for a wonderful time. You're a terrific friend.
- The Mad Hatter: Until tomorrow, dear Alice. Tomorrow and every day afterward.
- Alice Pleasance: [watching him waltz away] What a sweet, funny man.
- The Mad Hatter: I had to come back when I heard that cad abandoned you again.
- Alice Pleasance: How did you know? I didn't tell anyone.
- The Mad Hatter: Oh, pish-tush. What matters now is we have each other, now and forever.
- Alice Pleasance: [gasping as she sees Batman's sillhouette] Oh, this is getting too weird.
- Batman: [stepping out of the shadows] What have you done with Marcia Cates and this girl's fiance?
- The Mad Hatter: No. I don't like this game. Let's play another.
- Alfred Pennyworth: When you showed me that strange card, I recalled an image from my childhood.
- [showing him "Alice in Wonderland"]
- Alfred Pennyworth: It seems those near-suicides had a run-in with a self-styled Mad Hatter.
- Batman: I saw that picture earlier today, in the office of a scientist who creates circuitry similar to this.
- Police Dispatcher: All units, all units, two possible suicides reported scaling the Gotham Bridge suspension tower. All units, please respond.
- Batman: Guess I'm elected.
- Alice Pleasance: [about Dr. Cates] She's always like that when the big boss drops by. Cheer up. My Wayne knows what you mean to the company.
- Dr. Jervis Tetch: Sometimes, Alice, I think you're the only one who understands me.
- Alice Pleasance: That's just what my boyfriend says. I guess I'm lucky to have two such amazing men in my life. See you after lunch.
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