- Det. Ron Harris: Man... Man... Man did you read this? Did you read the latest issue of Newsweek ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: No, was I suppose to ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Hey Barn, did you... read this report from the RAND Corporation for the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah, I know this report
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What's it say ?
- Det. Ron Harris: It says that uniform cops do all the work and the Detectives are a waste of money .
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Your kidding
- Capt. Barney Miller: Everyone is entitled to their opinion
- Det. Ron Harris: Yeah, the last time they had an opinion they laid off 3,000 cops .
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Whose this RAND Corporation ?
- Det. Ron Harris: It's a company, that don't make nothing
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's called a "think tank" ?
- Det. Ron Harris: Ah, a bunch of guys, they lay on a beach out there in California, thinking about something and then they write a report and make a million dollars
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sounds like a perfect dream
- Capt. Barney Miller: "Detectives spend an inordinate time polishing their image"
- Det. Ron Harris: Huh, Do you believe that ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: "They spend almost as much time shuffling paper as they do cracking cases."... Here..."If Detectives, who are the elite members of the police force don't solve most of the crimes, who does ?"
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Oh yeah, I'd like to know, who does ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: "Principally, the much maligned cop on the beat"
- Det. Ron Harris: Oh man, who ever maligned the cop on the beat
- Officer Carl Levitt: Good Morning, Detectives
- Det. Ron Harris: Without good cause
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Yeah, okay, we'll be right there. Barn, Burglary in Progress over at the Canford Arms Hotel
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh, Harris go with Wojo
- Det. Ron Harris: Why me? I haven't finihed polishing my image
- Capt. Barney Miller: Okay
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: You notice when there's trouble, who they call
- Officer Carl Levitt: Hey, it wasn't me who tipped them off.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Fish, I was using your desk again. One of Captain Miller's temporary assignments.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Hi Barney
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, Good Morning Inspector, what brings you to our humble surroundings this fine day.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Good Morning fellows
- Inspector Frank Luger: Just come back from the big to-do over at Headquarters
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh yeah, I just heard about it ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: What a crock ? Some eggheads out in California come up with a lousy report, whole police department goes crazy. Probably like them actors out in Hollywood, Barn, they're a bunch of tutti-fruttis, except for the "The Duke", of course.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Of course
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah. Don't you worry guys. I stuck up for you. I gave them the facts of life. I told them how you fight for your life in the jungle out there
- Capt. Barney Miller: I'm sure the men appreciate it.
- Inspector Frank Luger: I realize that, Barney. Noblesse Oblige. Go to your office for a minute., Barn ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Certainly
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Makes you guilty even going to the bathroom
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Not if you're been properly toilet trained.
- Inspector Frank Luger: By the way, one detective from every precinct has got to go out on the beat in uniform, one week out of every month.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Because of that report
- Inspector Frank Luger: Ain't that a kick in the hindquarters ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, Third-graders only
- Inspector Frank Luger: Yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Wojciechowicz , he's our only third grade
- Inspector Frank Luger: Good... Good. Then, that shouldn't upset things too much around here
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't know Wojociehowicz ?
- Inspector Frank Luger: I thought I did
- Inspector Frank Luger: What's going on out -- Hey Fish, how are you doing boy ?
- Det. Phil Fish: I've got to be back at the nursing home by lunch to watch the rooms. They'll all be gathered in the cafeteria for a lecture on roughage
- Inspector Frank Luger: So, Barney, nursing home, huh ? I thought he was starting to talk slower
- Capt. Barney Miller: He's on assignment Inspector
- Inspector Frank Luger: Oh sure, Barney. If the shoe fits, right ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good morning Nick
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Good morning Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Is the coffee ready yet ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: For what?
- Capt. Barney Miller: For human consumption
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Don't worry, Mr. Himmel, even if by some coincidence, this guy is a rapist, he wouldn't try anything in there... It wasn't planned. See, the rapist mind and ego is only satisfied with something he is planned to conquer. Something that is brewing in his mind for a long time.
- Steven Himmel: Yeah
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah... Unless he is impulsive
- Steven Himmel: My wife is being raped in a elevator
- Inspector Frank Luger: Well, keep it to yourself. You don't yelling that filthy stuff around here
- Capt. Barney Miller: It's just a case we're working on, Inspector.
- Inspector Frank Luger: Ah -- oh !
- Steven Himmel: And no one is lifting a finger to do anything about it.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Take it easy, Mr. Himmel there's nothing that can be done till the fire department gets the elevator open
- Inspector Frank Luger: Don't worry sir, if the men of the 12th are on it, your wife is in good hands
- Steven Himmel: I told her to kill herself, if she couldn't stop it
- Inspector Frank Luger: That's the spirit, Himmel
- Steven Himmel: Death before dishonor
- Inspector Frank Luger: There... Keep the faith
- Steven Himmel: Sure... Sure... If you were alone with her for two hours would you be able to keep your hands off her
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: I could, but don't go by me
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good collar, Dietrich
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh, we didn't have to do that much
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, you brought him in
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Well, all we had to do was go into the elevator and pick him up
- Capt. Barney Miller: He could of escaped ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: There is only one way out of an elevator
- Capt. Barney Miller: But you were there ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Yeah
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: For what ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Being there ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Oh... Your welcome.
- Det. Ron Harris: Address ?
- Mark Swykirk: 611 West 135st Street. Hey man, look she's old enough to be my mother. What do you think I am... some kind of degenerate ?
- Det. Ron Harris: I think your a common ordinary thief
- Mark Swykirk: Hey, thanks man I appreciate it
- Officer Carl Levitt: Hey... looks like you have a full house Levitt.
- Capt. Barney Miller: What can I do for you Levitt ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: It's too bad those RAND report guys aren't here to see it
- Capt. Barney Miller: What is it Levitt ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: I'm looking for Wojociehowicz, he's assigned to my squad ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Uh... Wojo just stepped out for a moment.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Oh... I'll wait.
- Capt. Barney Miller: It might be more than a moment
- Officer Carl Levitt: Oh, Where did he go ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Well, we don't know where he is right now ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Bugged out, did he sir ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: No , he didn't bug out. He just went someplace to think.
- Officer Carl Levitt: He's suppose to be on duty downstairs, right now.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look Levitt, I'd appreciate it if you gave him a little grace period.
- Officer Carl Levitt: Got it, sir, I'll phony up the report
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't have to phony up anything. It's just a question of a little time.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Time... right. I'll just move the time back on the old shift. Don't worry about it ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't move anything back, Levitt ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Look, one hand washes the other
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't do anything, is that clear ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Consider it scratched ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: What ?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Your back.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Get out of here, Levitt
- Officer Carl Levitt: Sometimes, I almost think your not kidding
- Det. Ron Harris: Okay Swykirk, let's go downstairs for photographs and prints, huh ?
- Mark Swykirk: Hey... Hey ma'am, believe me it was nothing personal
- Georgia Himmel: No, I'm sorry, we couldn't have met under favorable circumstances
- Steven Himmel: Stop talking to him Georgia, you've excited him, you've excited everyone
- Georgia Himmel: Look at this, serendipity
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Mr. Himmel, I was outside the elevator, I heard a steady stream of good clean conversation
- Steven Himmel: Really Georgia ?
- Georgia Himmel: Really
- Steven Himmel: Nothing happened ?
- Georgia Himmel: Nothing... Although, it was a little close in there
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Could we finish your statement now, Mrs. Himmel ?
- Georgia Himmel: What do you mean close, Georgia.
- Georgia Himmel: Close... you know... close
- Steven Himmel: Must mean something
- Georgia Himmel: Have to keep a little mystery in your marriage .
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I wouldn't know, I've never been married
- Georgia Himmel: You never found the right girl ?
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Nope, anatomy class ruined me
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Hmm... I suppose the guys resent me for sitting at Wojo's desk.
- Capt. Barney Miller: No... don't be silly.
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: I just have a feeling, in their minds, I'm like a vulture feeding in the carrion of a fallen comrade
- Capt. Barney Miller: When you put it that way .
- Capt. Barney Miller: Morning
- Det. Ron Harris: Morning
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: Morning, How you doing ? Good to see you ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Don't force...
- Capt. Barney Miller: Look, we're all reacting to that report. There have been reports before, and there will be reports again. Point is, we know who we are and we know the importance of the work we do
- Det. Phil Fish: Good morning
- Capt. Barney Miller: God, it looks like you have been up all night
- Det. Phil Fish: I was. I skipped the warm milk, so I can stay awake
- Capt. Barney Miller: Anything ?
- Det. Phil Fish: Case closed
- Capt. Barney Miller: You caught somebody.
- Det. Phil Fish: I caught everybody, they we're all doing it. Stealing from each other, for a little excitement
- Capt. Barney Miller: That's depressing
- Det. Phil Fish: When I accused them. They also, they were giggling at me. Sent chills up my spine
- Capt. Barney Miller: Says a lot about our culture
- Capt. Barney Miller: All right, fill out a report
- Det. Phil Fish: Yeah, after I'm through, I'm going to go back later and have a talk... with some of them
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good, I'm sure they'll be glad to know that someone is taking an interest in them
- Det. Phil Fish: They got my wallet
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: It will be okay. I mean it's just a temporary thing and I figured why throw away a career on a quick, dumb decision... I'll stick it out... Heck, maybe... maybe... it will make me a better cop
- Officer Carl Levitt: Captain, I haven't seen Wojciehowicz yet. What do I with my strength reports here.
- Capt. Barney Miller: Do whatever you have to?
- Officer Carl Levitt: Bury it
- Capt. Barney Miller: No, don't bury it. Fill it out, honestly, truthfully, exactly as it happens, is that clear?
- Officer Carl Levitt: God, I hope so , sir
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Hey, Good Morning Barn
- Capt. Barney Miller: Good Morning gentlemen, another day another collar . One might expect atleast a chuckle if only in deference to my rank
- [Dietrich chuckles]
- Capt. Barney Miller: Thank you
- Det. Sgt. Arthur Dietrich: It's funny