- Det. Phil Fish: My Doctor said I'm obese
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Are you fat ?
- Det. Phil Fish: He's entitled to his opinion. I have to lose 15 pounds.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Why don't you get yourself a bicycle, that will take it off
- Det. Phil Fish: Bicycles aren't good for you.
- Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: What are you talking about ? They are the perfect exercise.
- Det. Phil Fish: The seats will ruin you for life. I had a paper route when I was nine.
- Officer Turner: Excuse me, where do you keep the arrest forms ?
- Det. Phil Fish: What... ? Over by the door.
- Officer Turner: Thank you.
- Det. Phil Fish: Well, my doctor says I have to lose 15 pounds, any suggestions
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: You know what they say is the best way to knock off calories?
- Det. Phil Fish: What ?
- Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Sex
- Det. Phil Fish: Really ? Hmm... .Who do I know that also needs to lose weight ?
- Capt. Barney Miller: Very well said Captain
- Officer Turner: Right On !
- Capt. Barney Miller: That was not for you benefit, what follows is for your benefit. From now on, you will do exactly as assigned and stop hotdogging it around my department. Is that understood ?
- Officer Turner: Yes sir, back to woman's work
- Capt. Barney Miller: What's that suppose to mean ?
- Officer Carney: You know, typing, filing...
- Capt. Barney Miller: We all do that.
- Officer Carney: Dusting
- Officer Turner: Windows
- Capt. Barney Miller: Come on, don't hand me that. There is plenty of normal police activity to go around
- Officer Carney: Oh sure, traffic violations and shoplifting detail
- Officer Turner: You don't make Detective by arresting little old ladies for stuffing radios up their jumpers
- Capt. Barney Miller: You don't make points by creating embarrassing situations for your Superior Officer. Now I have to go over to that University and do some fancy explaining. It's a lot of years, since I was called down to the principal's office
- Officer Turner: We just thought a narcotics bust would get someone from division to sit up and notice us
- Capt. Barney Miller: Oh, someone from division is on his way down right now to notice you in person
- Capt. Barney Miller: Yes... I--I understand Commissioner... Well, as I said... without my knowledge... Of course, I understand the implications, I mean... Well ,if pardon my saying it sir, if the Chancellor had done something about the drug situation on his own campus, my people wouldn't feel the need to invade an Institute of Learning... In writing... If absolutely necessary... Why don't I do that... Yes Commissioner... Yes sir