- Mrs. Slocombe: On the mantelpiece in my parlour, I've got a whole row of silver cups.
- C.B. Voice: Oh. And what are they for?
- Mrs. Slocombe: They're for my pussy. Do you know, it wins a prize every time I show it!
- [a crash is heard]
- Mrs. Slocombe: Hello? Hello? What's happened?
- Mr. Humphries: [quickly] I think he's just pulled off for a coffee.
- [Mrs. Slocombe has entered a story she wrote into a contest]
- Mr. Rumbold: I think the heroine ought to be ten years younger to make it believable... she takes an herbal bath on nearly every page.
- Mrs. Slocombe: A lot of men prefer older women. I mean, what about that Joan Collins in that Dynasty.
- Mr. Rumbold: Yes, but she doesn't jump into trucks at 80 miles an hour with a spanner in one hand, saying, "Hand over your smoky or I'll put the boot in."
- Captain Peacock: Why don't we do something like... Well, "THE FORSYTE SAGA"?
- [to Miss Brahms]
- Captain Peacock: You could always play a skivvy.
- Miss Brahms: He's always saying things like that to me because he knows I live in a semi-detached house. He thinks everyone is common but him.
- Mr. Humphries: Of course he doesn't. Will you calm down? It's no good arguing amongst ourselves. I'm sure Captain Peacock didn't mean to upset you.
- Mrs. Slocombe: [to Miss Brahms] And you know, in "UPSTAIRS, DOWNSTAIRS" some of the best parts were downstairs.