- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Now, here, here is a map of the United States.
- Ernest T. Bass: "United States."
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?
- Ernest T. Bass: [thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.
- Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's crick!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ocean.
- Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelsey's ocean!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Pacific Ocean.
- Ernest T. Bass: "Pacific Ocean!"
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Very good, very good.
- Ernest T. Bass: Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: You sure do.
- Ernest T. Bass: [frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.
- Ernest T. Bass: I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
- Ernest T. Bass: Aw, you're being kind.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.
- Deputy Barney Fife: Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: He'd kill you.
- [Barney looking annoyed]
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
- Deputy Barney Fife: I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
- Helen Crump: He'd kill you.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?
- Ernest T. Bass: [chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.
- Helen Crump: [in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!
- Ernest T. Bass: Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?
- Helen Crump: What is it?
- Ernest T. Bass: I *love* you.
- Ernest T. Bass: Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too.
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: You lived with a possum and a raccoon?
- Ernest T. Bass: Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it.
- Ernest T. Bass: 'Rithmetic. Two and Two
- [stomps 4 times]
- Ernest T. Bass: Four. Wait a minute, lemme do you a real hard one. Lemme see, uh, twenty-five and twenty-five
- [tap dances]
- Ernest T. Bass: Fifty.
- Deputy Barney Fife: I still say a good battering around is what he'd respond to!
- [Ernest T]
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: He'd kill you.
- Deputy Barney Fife: I'd give him a few karate chops, and it'd all be over!
- Sheriff Andy Taylor: He'd kill you.
- Ernest T. Bass: She said I had no book learnin'. I had to learn to read and write. I never knew a man what could chunk a cow across his shoulders had to.
- Ernest T. Bass: [yelling to Helen he loves her from outside of her house when Andy drives up to arrest him] Ms. Crump, I got to go to the lockup now.
- Andy Taylor: [Andy walks into his house after jailing Ernest T. Bass and sees him sitting in his chair] Ernest T. Bass what are you doin' here?How'd you get outta' jail?
- Ernest T. Bass: Irritatin' ain't it?
- Andy Taylor: And the United States is bordered on the west by uh... you wouldn't happen to know that would you?
- Ernest T. Bass: [thinks for a moment] Old Man Kelce's Woods.
- Andy Taylor: No, no. Big body of water.
- Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelce's Crick?
- Andy Taylor: It's an ocean.
- Ernest T. Bass: Old Man Kelce's Ocean!
- Ernest T. Bass: I already know the front part of the alphabet: A, B, C, F, L, G - I know other letters, but not in a row like that.
- Opie Taylor: [At the blackboard] 9 x 1 is 9, 9 x 2 is...
- Ernest T. Bass: Too do gone long! My, turn, my turn!