The Andy Griffith Show (TV Series)
The Education of Ernest T. Bass (1964)
Howard Morris: Ernest T. Bass
Photos
Quotes
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : Now, here, here is a map of the United States.
Ernest T. Bass : "United States."
Sheriff Andy Taylor : That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?
Ernest T. Bass : [thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelsey's crick!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelsey's ocean!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Pacific Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : "Pacific Ocean!"
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Very good, very good.
Ernest T. Bass : Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You sure do.
Ernest T. Bass : [frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.
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Ernest T. Bass : I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
Ernest T. Bass : Aw, you're being kind.
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?
Ernest T. Bass : [chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.
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Helen Crump : [in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!
Ernest T. Bass : Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?
Helen Crump : What is it?
Ernest T. Bass : I *love* you.
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Ernest T. Bass : Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too.
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You lived with a possum and a raccoon?
Ernest T. Bass : Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it.
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Ernest T. Bass : 'Rithmetic. Two and Two
[stomps 4 times]
Ernest T. Bass : Four. Wait a minute, lemme do you a real hard one. Lemme see, uh, twenty-five and twenty-five
[tap dances]
Ernest T. Bass : Fifty.
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Ernest T. Bass : She said I had no book learnin'. I had to learn to read and write. I never knew a man what could chunk a cow across his shoulders had to.
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Ernest T. Bass : [yelling to Helen he loves her from outside of her house when Andy drives up to arrest him] Ms. Crump, I got to go to the lockup now.
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Andy Taylor : [Andy walks into his house after jailing Ernest T. Bass and sees him sitting in his chair] Ernest T. Bass what are you doin' here?How'd you get outta' jail?
Ernest T. Bass : Irritatin' ain't it?
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Andy Taylor : And the United States is bordered on the west by uh... you wouldn't happen to know that would you?
Ernest T. Bass : [thinks for a moment] Old Man Kelce's Woods.
Andy Taylor : No, no. Big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelce's Crick?
Andy Taylor : It's an ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelce's Ocean!
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Ernest T. Bass : I already know the front part of the alphabet: A, B, C, F, L, G - I know other letters, but not in a row like that.
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Opie Taylor : [At the blackboard] 9 x 1 is 9, 9 x 2 is...
Ernest T. Bass : Too do gone long! My, turn, my turn!
