The Andy Griffith Show (TV Series)
The Education of Ernest T. Bass (1964)
Andy Griffith: Andy Taylor
Photos
Quotes
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : Now, here, here is a map of the United States.
Ernest T. Bass : "United States."
Sheriff Andy Taylor : That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?
Ernest T. Bass : [thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelsey's crick!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelsey's ocean!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Pacific Ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : "Pacific Ocean!"
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Very good, very good.
Ernest T. Bass : Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You sure do.
Ernest T. Bass : [frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.
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Ernest T. Bass : I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.
Ernest T. Bass : Aw, you're being kind.
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.
Deputy Barney Fife : Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.
Sheriff Andy Taylor : He'd kill you.
[Barney looking annoyed]
Sheriff Andy Taylor : Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.
Deputy Barney Fife : I still say, five minutes behind the barn!
Helen Crump : He'd kill you.
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Sheriff Andy Taylor : Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?
Ernest T. Bass : [chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.
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Ernest T. Bass : Now there ain't nobody can say more about a possum than I can. After all, I lived 6 months with a possum and a raccoon too.
Sheriff Andy Taylor : You lived with a possum and a raccoon?
Ernest T. Bass : Sure, that's where I learned to wash my food afore I eat it.
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Deputy Barney Fife : I still say a good battering around is what he'd respond to!
[Ernest T]
Sheriff Andy Taylor : He'd kill you.
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Deputy Barney Fife : I'd give him a few karate chops, and it'd all be over!
Sheriff Andy Taylor : He'd kill you.
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Andy Taylor : [Andy walks into his house after jailing Ernest T. Bass and sees him sitting in his chair] Ernest T. Bass what are you doin' here?How'd you get outta' jail?
Ernest T. Bass : Irritatin' ain't it?
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Andy Taylor : And the United States is bordered on the west by uh... you wouldn't happen to know that would you?
Ernest T. Bass : [thinks for a moment] Old Man Kelce's Woods.
Andy Taylor : No, no. Big body of water.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelce's Crick?
Andy Taylor : It's an ocean.
Ernest T. Bass : Old Man Kelce's Ocean!