- Edith Bunker: [Edith has exhausted every possible escape, and the rapist is unzipping her dress] Ohhh, there's something burning, in the kitchen.
- Lambert: [frustrated by her stalling] What is it?
- Edith Bunker: I-it's in the kitchen.
- Lambert: [fed up, but relenting] All right, all right, come on come on come on.
- Edith Bunker: There's somethin' burning, in the kitchen.
- [they come in the kitchen, which is filled with smoke, she screams, completely hysterical]
- Edith Bunker: Ohhh, there's a fire! FIRE! Ohhhh, my cake! My ca-cake, it's burnin'!
- Lambert: Lady, get rid of it. Get rid of it!
- Edith Bunker: [Edith shoves the hot smoldering cake directly in the rapist's face, throws open the door, and punches him in the stomach] GET OUT! GET OUT!
- [throws him out the back door, slams it, then runs through the house out the front door shrieking while the audience applauds wildly]
- Edith Bunker: I'm an old lady. I'm very old. I'm as old as Lindburgh's airplane.
- Lambert: I like older women.
- Edith Bunker: But I'm married.
- Lambert: So am I.
- Edith Bunker: [petrified] Wh-what are you doin'? You ain't taking off your clothes, are you?
- Lambert: Yeah. Then I'm going to take yours off.
- Edith Bunker: [squirming desperately to get away] W-wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead?
- Lambert: [pushes her back down] I don't drink coffee.
- Edith Bunker: [desperately] I got Sanka!
- Cop: [carrying Lambert's clothes] Can you identify these clothes?
- [produces Lambert's tie]
- Edith Bunker: [horrified] NO! NO! He'll kill me! He'll kill me!
- [runs up the stairs]
- Edith Bunker: He'll kill me! He'll kill me!
- Edith Bunker: I gotta go to the bathroom.
- [Starts to run upstairs but Lambert races after her]
- Edith Bunker: What are you doing?
- Lambert: You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you.
- Edith Bunker: I'll wait 'til tomorrow.
- Mike Stivic: [Joey's goldfish died in the punch bowl] Arch, this thing stinks. Can't you go home and get your bowl?
- [Archie and Mike push the bowl towards one another, causing it to fall to the ground and break]
- Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker: Why did you do that? You did it. You did it! YOU did it! YOU DID IT!
- Archie Bunker: Get away from me, you Meathead you! Now I gotta go home and make up some excuse to get my OWN punch bowl from my OWN house.
- Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker: Dope.
- Gloria Stivic: No, no, no, don't you see, she expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do. But it's something you never do so she doesn't expect it from you. But if I don't say anything, when she expects me to say something, because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something is up because I haven't said anything when I should have. And if you say something, which I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have
- [Archie turns up to look at her, says nothing, but stares at her in total confusion]
- Gloria Stivic: then Ma's gonna know something is up because you said something. Don't you see? Don't you understand?
- Archie Bunker: You get more like the old lady every day.
- Edith Bunker: [terrified] Listen, I gotta get out of here. See, I gotta get ready for my birthday party.
- Lambert: Happy birthday.
- Edith Bunker: Thank you.
- Gloria Stivic: Don't forget to bring your punchbowl.
- Archie: Waaaaait a minute, wait a minute, wait - you got a punchbowl of your own, I got one for your anniversary. Set me back $11!
- Mike Stivic: Yeah, uh... we used it for Joey's goldfish.
- Archie: [incredulous] For a goldfish? You got a 10-cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like YOU, livin' at the Waldorf.
- Mike Stivic: [angrily] Lemme tell you something...
- Archie: All right, hurry up.
- Mike Stivic: Why must you always...
- Archie: I CAN'T WAIT.
- [slams the door in Meathead's face, walks away]
- Sybil Gooley: I happen to know that Archie hates me.
- Edith Bunker: Whoever told you that?
- Sybil Gooley: Archie.