- Gomez Addams: Hilliard, old bean, you just sort of dropped out of sight.
- Mr. Hilliard: I certainly tried.
- Gomez Addams: You're the only truant officer our children ever missed.
- Morticia Addams: We did wonder if you were still with the public school system.
- Mr. Hilliard: No, no, that didn't work out, thanks to you.
- Gomez Addams: Our pleasure, old man, and a shrewd move on your part, too.
- Gomez Addams: You do remember our remarkable offspring?
- Mr. Hilliard: Pugsley and Wednesday... names that haunt even my happiest hours.
- Morticia Addams: Dear Mr. Hilliard, what a lovely compliment.
- Sam L. Hilliard: [hearing that the Addams are waiting in the outer lobby to see him] Miss Ames, I just remembered a dental appointment, and I can hardly wait to get there.
- Pugsley Addams: When my octopus gave the teacher a hug, she got so flustered she rang the fire alarm.
- Morticia Addams: Dear Aristotle, he's such an affectionate creature.
- Gomez Addams: Sometimes I worry about the way he takes up with total strangers.
- Morticia Addams: Darling, why don't you relax. You must be utterly exhausted.
- Gomez Addams: The Chancellor of Adams Hall has little time for creature comforts, my dear. Remember, "Tempus Fungus."
- Morticia Addams: Fugits.
- Gomez Addams: That, too.
- Morticia Addams: Why on Earth would the principal scold you?
- Pugsley Addams: Search us. We were just showing the kids how to shoot dynamite caps.
- Gomez Addams: Ah, seems harmless enough. At last they weren't frittering away their time with marbles.
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, how touching, darling. You wanted to buy me Harvard for my birthday.
- Gomez Addams: Well, come to think of it, it is rather a silly gift for a beautiful woman. I should get you Vasser.
- Morticia Addams: Ah, Mr. Hilliard, how nice of you to drop by.
- Mr. Hilliard: Drop by? I was brutally kidnapped by that one-man goon squad!
- Gomez Addams: Same old Hilliard, he can charm the birds out of the trees...