- Matt Camden: [to Ruthie] Don't make me get Mom and Dad.
- Ruthie Camden: Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!
- Simon Camden: What was that?
- Mary Camden: Tuna helper.
- Simon Camden: So you were supposed to put tuna in it.
- Lucy Camden: He's right. It was just the helper.
- Mary Camden: [pauses] We were supposed to add the tuna?
- Rev. Eric Camden: Maybe I'll start dinner.
- Annie Camden: No. Mary and Lucy can start dinner. You should try to grab a 15-minute nap and then when I'm finished with the babies you can keep an eye on them while I get a shower and a nap.
- Rev. Eric Camden: I'm on my way.
- Annie Camden: And Simon is on Ruthie duty until further notice.
- Matt Camden: Sssshhh! You want Mom and Dad to hear you? They're waiting for us. You know they are. Waiting for someone to stop that incessant crying.
- Lucy Camden: It never stops.
- Matt Camden: Thus the word incessant.
- Lucy Camden: We're trapped in our own home. Our hell home... sorry. Usually my brain self-censors, but I can't hear myself thinking.
- Mary Camden: Okay, listen, we can use the crying for cover. If we sneak up into our rooms very, very quietly them Mom and Dad won't be able to hear for the screaming.
- Mary Camden: What happened?
- Lucy Camden: You made me lie to Mom and Dad! I lied and lied and lied. I wove a twisted web of lies and deceit and walked a tightrope on it all night long. Are they standing right behind me?
- Simon Camden: [about the twins' crying] You know, they could have colic. Results in constant, uncontrollable crying. It's enough to make any parent feel like a failure.
- Annie Camden: [whispers to Eric] Make him leave.
- Rev. Eric Camden: [to Simon] Colic doesn't generally come until after the first month, and before you go around making any more observations, why don't you take care of your sister and your dog like we asked you to, because one of them ran away and one of them peed on the kitchen floor.
- Simon Camden: Fine. But it takes a village, my friend!
- Rev. Eric Camden: Two new babies and we still get to torture the other five. I told you this was gonna be fun.
- Matt Camden: [to Ruthie] You, get out. I have burgers to deliver.
- Ruthie Camden: I love riding in a car full of hamburgers and French fries. I had a dream I did it once and I woke up really happy.
- Rev. Eric Camden: Simon, do not, under any circumstances, let Ruthie out of your sight. She's planning to run away.
- Simon Camden: You do see that she's just crying out for attention, don't you?
- Rev. Eric Camden: Yes, and your mother and I are doing everything we can to give her the attention that she needs, but our hands are kind of full right now, so we were hoping you could give her some of yours. Scratch that, a lot of yours. All of yours.
- Simon Camden: Well, hey, I'm a team player.
- Rev. Eric Camden: I'm delighted to hear it.
- Annie Camden: [to Ruthie] Is that the new outfit that Grandpa and Ginger sent for the boys?
- Ruthie Camden: Is that what it is? I had no idea. Hmm. Guess it was just lying around somewhere.
- Annie Camden: On the top shelf of the hall closet where we keep the rest of the baby gifts?
- Ruthie Camden: I don't care what anyone says about the twins. They're not cute.
- Simon Camden: Well, of course they're not cute! Compared to you, who is?
- Ruthie Camden: I'm not buying it. Get away from me.
- Simon Camden: Come on. If you come back in the house with me, I'll give you a cookie. Two cookies. Cookies and ice cream!... money? Cold, hard cash?
- Ruthie Camden: I liked you better when you ignored me.