- Col. Von Strom: You are exceeding your authority. The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers of the German Army.
- Capt. Hans Geering: Or junior officers.
- René: What about café owners?
- Capt. Hans Geering: They can do what they like with them.
- Monsieur Alfonse: [René has returned to the café disguised as a resistance girl] Thank God he is safe. The bravest transvestite in all of France.
- Herr Flick: My authority comes from Berlin.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [draws revolver] My authority comes from this gun. Release them.
- Herr Flick: I see. Temporarily you have the upper hand, but I should warn you that my godfather is Heinrich Himmler.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: My wife's sister is the mistress of Hermann Goering.
- Herr Flick: Hermann Goering has many mistresses
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: My wife's sister is the one who wears the chamois leather underclothes.
- Herr Flick: Ah. Helga, turn the wheel the other way.
- Madame Fanny: [Officer Crabtree enters room] Edith, who is the fuze with the bad French?
- Edith: He is an expert on escaping, from London.
- Madame Fanny: Are things so bad in London?
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [Stopping the funeral precession with Fanny pretending to be dead] Open zee coffin.
- René: [opens coffin to revel Fanny] It is my brothers' wife's mother. She died of the plague.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: What plague is this?
- René: The plague that kills brothers' wife's mothers.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Open zee coffin.
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [looks at Fanny in the coffin] If this spreads across Europe we've all had it. Bury her quickly.
- [Edith has just performed a song in the café]
- Monsieur Alfonse: Oh madame - you have a voice in a million.
- [Alfonse kisses her hand as she sits beside him]
- Edith: When we are married, I will sing to you every night.
- Monsieur Alfonse: Ah, but Madame Edith, it may not be appropriate. After all, our bedroom is above the mortuary.
- Edith: Oh, forgive me, I was forgetting. I could hum "Ave Maria" unaccompanied?
- Monsieur Alfonse: You probably would be.