- Baio: So uh, what can you do?
- Dick: I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wing it. I mean I really really like her but I've never been in a situation like this before you know.
- Baio: You mean not in a situation where you weren't paying.
- Dick: Yeah fuck you funny guy. I'm just saying that I don't know how to act in a situation like this, ya know? And don't give me none of that just be natural bullshit cause that shit don't fly. This isn't an episode of Friends fucker!
- Baio: Okay dick this is just a little social outing. No big fucking deal.
- Dick: It is a big deal man. I'm turning 30 in a few months. I haven't even gotten a fucking blowjob yet or a hand job. Never mind a full on fuck. It's been a self service existence so far and I need full service, ya know what I'm saying? I mean there was this stripper one time but she was a little too extreme . She wanted me to lick her asshole and shit. Alittle too much for a beginner.
- Baio: Perhaps, but on the other hand you can shit or get off my pot motherfucker. I mean we've heard this shit 1313 different fucking ways. I mean get on with it or shut the fuck up about it.
- Dick: I'm just shy dude
- Baio: No more of your fairy stories alright. I've got my own fucking worries today.
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: Dude relax. I'm not the man. I'm an attorney.
- Dee Dee Foster: Do attornies like VCRs?
- Dick: Man I'm afraid that the next time I step in this car it's going to explode and kill us all.
- Baio: I don't see you driving any fucking car DICK! I just hear you talking about your fucking dick but NO I've got this fucking car to deal with and this fucking dick and this fucking car won't fucking work right. Get the fuck going. Goddamn this fucking car!
- Cindy Woo: Come back in fifteen minutes I'm going on break.
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: I'm hear on business not pleasure although I uh...
- Cindy Woo: Make it snappy I've got to wash that man right out of my mouth.
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: I understand. I'm an attorney.
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: Which one of you X file rejects is Kevin Raimi?
- Kevin Raimi: Right here Machacho.
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: Well don't let any Hershey squirts go in your wonder woman underroos but the conspiracy theory is about to come crashing down all around you.
- Kevin Raimi: What?
- Michael Tiberius Bucket: Just kidding Fox. I'm from the law firm of Bucket Slugworth and gloop. I'm Bucket.
- Kevin Raimi: Let me guess. First name Charlie?
- Donna Waters: Guess I've gotta get my shit together.
- Billy the Kid: Mommy I'm hungry
- Donna Waters: I'm just making coffee
- Billy the Kid: I don't like coffee
- Donna Waters: Well I'm not sure I like you so I am quite sure I don't give a shit.
- Billy the Kid: Please Mommy
- Donna Waters: Shut up shut up. My life is quite likely about to change for the better and you ain't invited so I guess you're more of hindrance than help. In fact you're more of an obstacle in my life than a helper. In fact you're more of a piece of shit I wish I could flush than a child that I want to love.
- Billy the Kid: But Mommy I love you
- Donna Waters: Too bad so sad.
- Billy the Kid: [through tears] Mommy please gives me something to eat.
- Donna Waters: [Screams] How about a knuckle Sandwich.
- [She punches her child who falls to the floor whimpering and cowering from her]
- Donna Waters: How'd that taste you little tit muncher?
- [Donna kicks the cowering child. The child passes out]
- Sally Thorn: Cool, this is so cool. Thanks for inviting me dick
- Dick: The pleasure is all mine.
- Baio: And that's why these things never work out Dick. The pleasure should be a mutual experience you greedy prick. What's good for the goose is extremely good for the Gander. Use that bullshit chivalry where it counts. Do unto her as you would have her do unto you. Reciprocate unless you want to masturbate. Reciprocate RECIPROCATE!
- Dick: What the fuck are you babbling about?
- Sally Thorn: yeah what the hell was all that dribble about.
- Baio: I don't know, I'm just trying to keep my mind off this fucking autistic automobile.