- Dwayne: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it.
- Frank: Do you know who Marcel Proust is?
- Dwayne: He's the guy you teach.
- Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
- Dwayne: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.
- Frank: I'm glad you're talking again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
- Richard: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers.
- Frank: [sarcastically] It is? Really?
- Richard: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level.
- Frank: [sarcastically] Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom?
- Richard: Oh, that ones on the house.
- Olive: I'd like to dedicate this to my grandpa, who showed me these moves.
- Pageant MC: Aww, that is so sweet.
- [Audience applauds]
- Pageant MC: Is he here? Where's your grandpa right now?
- Olive: In the trunk of our car.
- Grandpa: Jesus, I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired. You know how tired I am? If a girl came up to me and begged me to fuck her, I couldn't do it. That's how tired I am.
- Grandpa: Are you gettin' any?
- Richard: Dad!
- Grandpa: You can tell me, Dwayne. Are you gettin' any?
- Richard: Come on, please.
- Grandpa: [Dwayne shakes his head] No? Jesus. You're what? Fifteen? My God, man!
- Richard: Dad!
- Grandpa: You should be gettin' that young stuff.
- Richard: Dad!
- Grandpa: That young stuff is the best stuff in the whole world.
- Richard: Hey! Hey! Dad! That's enough! Stop it!
- Grandpa: Will you kindly not interrupt me, Richard! See, right now you're jailbait, they're jailbait. It's perfect. I mean, you hit 18, man! You're talkin' about three to five.
- Olive: Why were you unhappy?
- Frank: I fell in love with someone...
- [interrupted by Grandpa blowing his nose]
- Frank: ...who didn't love me back.
- Olive: Who?
- Frank: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him.
- Olive: *Him*? You fell in love with a boy?
- Frank: Very much so.
- Olive: That's silly.
- Frank: You're right it was silly. It was very silly
- Grandpa: That's another word for it.
- Grandpa: Every night it's the fucking chicken! Holy God Almighty! Is it possible just once we could get something to eat for dinner around here that's not the goddamned fucking chicken?
- Olive: Do you eat ice cream?
- Miss California: Yes. My favorite is Chocolate Cherry Garcia... except technically I think it's a frozen yogurt.
- [following Olive's act, the Hoovers are sitting outside the Suite Redondo security office]
- Officer Martinez: Okay, you're out. On the condition that you never enter your daughter in a beauty pageant in the state of California, ever again. Ever.
- Frank: I think we can live with that.
- Pageant Assistant Pam: [as Dwayne walks by] Are you authorized to be here?
- Dwayne: No.
- Dwayne: [to girl in hallway] Where are the dressing rooms?
- Girl in Hallway: Are you allowed to be here?
- Dwayne: Just tell me where the dressing rooms are!
- Pageant Official Jenkins: [outraged at Olive's talent act] What is your daughter doing?
- Richard: She's kickin' ass... that's what she's doing.
- Sheryl: [to Frank] He started snorting heroin.
- Frank: [to Grandpa] You started snorting heroin?
- Grandpa: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.
- Frank: [to Grandpa] Well what about you?
- Grandpa: [to Frank] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.
- Richard: There's two kinds of people in this world, there's winners and there's losers. Okay, you know what the difference is? Winners don't give up.
- Sheryl: You know, like it or not, we're still your family, for better or worse...
- Dwayne: No, you're *not* my family! I don't wanna *be* your family! I hate you fucking people! Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking losers, you're losers! No, please just leave me here, Mom. Please, please, please. Please... just leave me here.
- Frank: [after Dwayne reads an eye test pamphlet and finds he may be colourblind, destroying his life goal of enlisting in the Air Force] You can't fly jets if you're colourblind.
- [Dwayne immediately falls into an emotional breakdown; Frank, Olive and Sheryl all yell for Richard to pull over the vehicle]
- Dwayne: [Dwayne springs from the stopped van into an empty field] *FUCK!*
- [collapses, screaming and sobbing, breaking his nine-month vow of silence]
- Sheryl: What happened?
- Frank: He's colourblind. He can't fly.
- Sheryl: Oh, Jesus... oh, no.
- Sheryl: [waits several moments, then approaches Dwayne] Dwayne...? Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry. Dwayne, come on. We have to go.
- Dwayne: I'm not going.
- Sheryl: Dwayne...
- Dwayne: I said *I'm not*, okay? I don't care, I'm not getting on that bus again.
- Sheryl: Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family...
- Dwayne: [stands up] No, you're *not* my family, okay? I don't want to *be* your family! I *hate* you fucking people! *I hate you!* Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking *losers*! You are losers!
- Sheryl: [whispers] Dwayne...
- Dwayne: [begins to cry again] No, *please* just leave me here, Mom. Okay? Please, *please*. Please just leave me here.
- [sits back down, crying continues]
- Grandpa: Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women.
- Olive: [going over eye test pamphlets] Mom, Dwayne's got 20/20 vision!
- Sheryl: I bet he does...
- Olive: Now, let's see if you're colorblind.
- [opens the pamphlet]
- Olive: What's the letter in the circle?
- [Dwayne looks confused]
- Olive: No in the circle. The letter... in the circle?
- Frank: Can you see a letter, Dwayne?
- Olive: It's an A. See? Right there?
- Frank: It's bright green.
- [to himself]
- Frank: Oh man.
- [Dwayne scribbles anxiously on his notepad - "What?"]
- Frank: Dwayne, I think you might be colorblind.
- [pause, Dwayne holds up his notepad again - "What?"]
- Frank: You can't fly jets if you're colorblind.
- [Dwayne starts to panic, starts hitting the window and the chair in front of him, he then attempts to open the door]
- Frank: [as audience members boo Olive's performance] Where are they? I will *kill* those little fuckers!
- Frank: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor?
- Sheryl: Frank...
- Grandpa: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like?
- Frank: You must have been very busy.
- Grandpa: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not.
- Frank: Really?
- Grandpa: Forget about it.
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