"Die Schokoladenkönigin" (which means "The Chocolate Queen") or "Flußpferde küßt man doch" (which means "Hippopotamuses are supposed to be kissed") is a German television movie from 2005, so this one will have its 15th anniversary next year. It runs for 1.5 hours like they usually do and this is based on a novel. I have not read said novel, so I cannot say if this basis for the film is also bad or if it just the movie. But I think the film is so bad that the novel cannot be high-quality. Such a decline in quality would be impossible. Now it must be said that the failure here already starts with the title. There is focus on the protagonist working at a bakery, but it's never major focus or at the center of the movie. So bad choice and as for the alternate title, the one with the animals I have no idea what they were thinking there. It does not make sense whatsoever, unless maybe the protagonist who is not too happy about her weight compared herself to a hippopotamus at one point? I don't know. Just a bad joke honestly. Now as for the film itself: You see the lead actress is Christine Neubauer and everybody who knows a bit about German television knows what to expect. Namely, stupid kitsch, horrible acting and just an unrealistic film as a whole. And it is all true. It is already a problem that she seems considerably older than her love interest in this film we have here. The latter is played by Hardy Krüger Jr. who is also somewhat well-known here in Germany, but judging from what I have seen him in he would never have had a career if it wasn't for his famous dad. Actually, the age gap is not as big between the two as you may think, but honestly they looked as if it was nearly 10 years of age, maybe even more. Now I will go a bit into detail about bad moments and scenes. First of all, I cannot even say something positive about the supporting cast here. The two protagonists' best friends are portrayed by actors who were just as bad, although it must be said that Krüger is probably not as bad as Neubauer, even if by no means he is good either. Oh and there is Ingolf Lück here too, a really great entertainer and host in my opinion and it is kinda sad he has to appear in films like this because the script really did not do him any favors at all. The best example is the kiss in front of the girl. By the way, the child actress I liked, so she was the only bright spot somehow in this movie with everything else being a huge mess. It is a pity she is not acting anymore, especially looking at how prolific she was back then, there seemed to be a tendency for her to try to have an acting career also into her grown-up days, but it seems she went for a "normal" life instead.
Now specific scenes that were horrible: Everything related to the main character's insecurities about her weight, especially the moment when she mentions her belly and her love interest says something like if she has stomach pain because he doesn't perceive her as obese. The cringe. When Krüger's character reads the bedtime story via phone to her daughter because the babysitter could not do different voices for the characters. The cringe. I mean keep shoving it into our face that he is the best father in the history of mankind. Basically everything related to the best friends I mentioned earlier already, especially their takes on relationships and also the argument between the two women which feels really fake. The dialogue writing is a mess from beginning to end with this film. The story with the old lady. Felt completely out of place and did not fit into the film at all. The brutes hitting our likable male hero. And maybe the most, the fact that Neubauer's character is close to marrying Lück's apparently because the two did not seem one bit like a loving couple. Ridiculous. Also ridiculous the way Lück's character was written, so the audience should be manipulated by the really most simple approach ever to find him unlikable like the wine scene with Krüger. I mean there are many other scenes like the ones I mentioned and it was truly painful to watch. It could be said in the cast's favor that really nobody could have turned this material into a quality movie, however the likes of Neubauer here made it even worse. I mean the best example is also everybody drooling over Krüger. Unbearable to watch, especially the moment when the teacher tries to turn a talk about his daughter into a date with wine. Like seriously, come on. Is anybody a professional in this film? Luckily it went for only 90 minutes, slightly under, because another half hour would really have been torture. So yes, this is without a doubt one of the very worst films of the year 2005. Disastrous watch no matter which perspective you take. It is always a failure. And needless to say it also has the very bad unrealistic happy ending that feels truly rushed and never in a way where it could have happened like this in real life. I don't know what else to say about this film. I don't think language is developed yet to the point where the words and phrases exist to express explicitly how much of a catastrophe this film is. Another big mess for Neubauer, one of many in her body of work and it is a mystery how she could get cast for lead characters for years. Luckily not anymore. So stay far away from this one, the further the better.
Now specific scenes that were horrible: Everything related to the main character's insecurities about her weight, especially the moment when she mentions her belly and her love interest says something like if she has stomach pain because he doesn't perceive her as obese. The cringe. When Krüger's character reads the bedtime story via phone to her daughter because the babysitter could not do different voices for the characters. The cringe. I mean keep shoving it into our face that he is the best father in the history of mankind. Basically everything related to the best friends I mentioned earlier already, especially their takes on relationships and also the argument between the two women which feels really fake. The dialogue writing is a mess from beginning to end with this film. The story with the old lady. Felt completely out of place and did not fit into the film at all. The brutes hitting our likable male hero. And maybe the most, the fact that Neubauer's character is close to marrying Lück's apparently because the two did not seem one bit like a loving couple. Ridiculous. Also ridiculous the way Lück's character was written, so the audience should be manipulated by the really most simple approach ever to find him unlikable like the wine scene with Krüger. I mean there are many other scenes like the ones I mentioned and it was truly painful to watch. It could be said in the cast's favor that really nobody could have turned this material into a quality movie, however the likes of Neubauer here made it even worse. I mean the best example is also everybody drooling over Krüger. Unbearable to watch, especially the moment when the teacher tries to turn a talk about his daughter into a date with wine. Like seriously, come on. Is anybody a professional in this film? Luckily it went for only 90 minutes, slightly under, because another half hour would really have been torture. So yes, this is without a doubt one of the very worst films of the year 2005. Disastrous watch no matter which perspective you take. It is always a failure. And needless to say it also has the very bad unrealistic happy ending that feels truly rushed and never in a way where it could have happened like this in real life. I don't know what else to say about this film. I don't think language is developed yet to the point where the words and phrases exist to express explicitly how much of a catastrophe this film is. Another big mess for Neubauer, one of many in her body of work and it is a mystery how she could get cast for lead characters for years. Luckily not anymore. So stay far away from this one, the further the better.
