Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004 TV Special)
Ron White: Self
Quotes
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Ron White : I Believe, that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life gives them vodka, and have a party.
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Ron White : I believe I'll have a scotch. Oh, wait, I've got one. Go ahead. Never mind.
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Larry The Cable Guy : [introducing "I Believe"] This is a song we writ.
Bill Engvall : [interrupting] Woah, woah, woah.
Jeff Foxworthy , Bill Engvall : "Writ"?
Larry The Cable Guy : Writ.
Ron White : I didn't "writ" any of it.
Larry The Cable Guy : You writ two-thirds of it. Or a quarter of it.
Bill Engvall : Don't try to do math.
Jeff Foxworthy : If Larry is going to start doing fractions, you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom.
[Bill laughs]
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Ron White : I'm probably not a typical Texan in that I don't hunt. I fish, but I don't hunt. And it has nothing to do with how I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by someone else, that's not it. It's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna go.
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Ron White : I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse, and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one.
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Ron White : My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill. "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there. Pussy. I'm in a camouflaged deer blind. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'm not sure why." I made that part up. "I've got a 30-06 with a laser scope. This baby will fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I hunged from the danged ol' tree... caught him right above the eye." Yeah, well, I hit one with a *van* goin' *fifty-five* miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!
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Ron White : My brother is a doctor and my sister is a lawyer, and I hate Thanksgiving.
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Ron White : [discussing his honeymoon] Man, the first time my wife and I made love... you ever heard of those screamers? Well, apparently she had never been with one before!
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Ron White : What I like to do these days is talk about fireworks safety. See, it was the Fourth of July and my friend Timmy Smithers leaned back too far with a lit punk and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening. And I wake up every night knowing that I know I could've down more to save him... but it was so pretty. "Timmy, no - would you look at that! That's the beginning of the Chinese space program!"
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Ron White : Now I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet, but this dog lived for fifteen years. If you wanna beat that by very much, you gotta get a tortoise or a tree.
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Ron White : So, her father dies, and I'm like, baby come on we're going to the nursing home. And she see's all these old men like pick me pick me. She wanted a black one, but I was like keep it simple, that's my motto.
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Jeff Foxworthy : [in disgust, upon opening the bathroom door of their tour bus after Bill has used it] Oh, good granny!
[Bill cracks up]
Jeff Foxworthy : Good granny! What is wrong with you? You know the rules: stand up in the bathroom, sit down at the truck stop and the hotel. It's not funny.
Bill Engvall : [through fits of laughter] Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.
[Ron enters and opens the bathroom door]
Ron White : Oh, God!
[Bill cracks up again]
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Ron White : I wasn't a bright child. I had a very weak vocabulary. In fact, if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my friend Bobby Schneider would still be alive today.
[laughter]
Ron White : He got bit by a copperhead, I'm reading him funny stories out of Reader's Digest.
[laughter]
Ron White : His head's starting to swell, and I like "It ain't working." He goes "read faster!"
[laughter]
