Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004 TV Special)

Bill Engvall: Self

Quotes 

• Bill Engvall : I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

• Larry The Cable Guy : [introducing "I Believe"]  This is a song we writ.

  Bill Engvall : [interrupting]  Woah, woah, woah.

  Jeff Foxworthy , Bill Engvall : "Writ"?

  Larry The Cable Guy : Writ.

  Ron White : I didn't "writ" any of it.

  Larry The Cable Guy : You writ two-thirds of it. Or a quarter of it.

  Bill Engvall : Don't try to do math.

  Jeff Foxworthy : If Larry is going to start doing fractions, you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom.

  [Bill laughs] 

• Jeff Foxworthy : [to Larry, after Larry picks at his guitar]  How old are you?

  Larry The Cable Guy : Old enough to learn how to play this song.

  Bill Engvall : Wait, when is your birthday?

  Larry The Cable Guy : February 17th.

  Jeff Foxworthy : No, what year is your birthday?

  Larry The Cable Guy : ...Every year.

  Bill Engvall : [to Jeff]  You asked.

• Bill Engvall : I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

• Bill Engvall : I believe that the phrase "time in a bottle" refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.

• [taking his wife deer hunting] 

  Bill Engvall : Any of you hunters out there, you know the time of day I'm talking about, man. Oh, yeah. It is the perfect time of day. It's dark, it's early morning, it's cold, you're making steam with your breath. Off in the distance, you hear a turkey gobble as he wakes up for the day. A squirrel scampers through the dead leaves. It is the *perfect* time of day. It's quiet.

  [pause] 

  Bill Engvall : Kinda.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Because in the darkness of our deer stand, I'm hearing things like this:

  [heavy sigh] 

  Bill Engvall : [whispering]  "Bill, what are we doing?"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : We're, uh... we're waiting for the deer to show up. Okay, honey? Shh... you've got to be really quiet.

  [heavy sigh again] 

  Bill Engvall : "What time do they show up?"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : I, uh... I dunno. They didn't return the phone call to set up the meeting!

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : Now, please be quiet!

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : "Bill, I've gotta pee." Now? There's a coffee can. "Oh, wake up!"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : The sun has come up. And in the clearing stands a buck, ten points, good 250. And I'm like "Oh, thank you, God."

  [pantomimes shaking his rifle in excited anticipation] 

  Bill Engvall : You are on the wall. And this is what I hear:

  [pause] 

  Bill Engvall : "OHH! Isn't he *cute*?"

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : "He looks just like Bambi's dad! Remember when we saw that with the kids?"

  Bill Engvall : YES I KNOW WE SAW IT! IT WAS A CARTOON! NOW PLEASE SHUT UP!

  Bill Engvall : "Well, you ain't gonna shoot him. are you?"

  Bill Engvall : [incredulous]  What do you think I brought this gun for? Protection? Like that deer might run up this tree and rob us?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Engvall : She freaks! She goes, "RUN, DEER! RUN, RUN, RUN!" That is the only time I have ever pushed a woman out of a tree.

• Jeff Foxworthy : [in disgust, upon opening the bathroom door of their tour bus after Bill has used it]  Oh, good granny!

  [Bill cracks up] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : Good granny! What is wrong with you? You know the rules: stand up in the bathroom, sit down at the truck stop and the hotel. It's not funny.

  Bill Engvall : [through fits of laughter]  Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.

  [Ron enters and opens the bathroom door] 

  Ron White : Oh, God!

  [Bill cracks up again] 

• Bill Engvall : In California, in the desert, they found bones of this prehistoric porpoise. And they are saying it's interesting, because this porpoise's upper jaw sticks out a lot further than its lower jaw. So I'm thinking he's got to look like...

  [Gives a dorky look, with his upper teeth sticking out] 

  Bill Engvall : And they're trying to figure out if his upper jaw was used for sex or for eating. And I am thinking, "You know what? You can rule out sex." 'Cause if you look like this...

  [Repeats Dorky look] 

  Bill Engvall : Sex ain't happening, alright? I mean, what if it's just a goofy-looking fish? You know, like a dorkfish.

  [Audience laughs] 

  Bill Engvall : He'd be out there in that desert going, "Oooh, this ain't the ocean. WOOO, I better find me some water, huh!" Can you imagine if you were fishing... and you caught a dorkfish? 'Cause you know your friends will be like, "Hey man... wh... what kind of fish is that?" You would be like, "Ohh... Nothing." 'Cause you know that fish is sticking his head out going, "I'm a dorkfish! He caught me on a corndog! I swear to God... I was swimming underneath the ocean... and I said, 'What's a corndog doing underneath the ocean?' Well, you know me, I love them dang corndogs, WOOO!"