Green Wing (2004–2007)
Michelle Gomez: Sue White
Sue White : Yes?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I haven't asked the question yet.
Sue White : Yes.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is the answer?
Sue White : What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is yes the answer?
Sue White : Is the question.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.
Sue White : I don't know, is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Take a gamble.
Sue White : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No is the answer?
Sue White : No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So no is the answer?
Sue White : No is the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?
Sue White : Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.
Sue White : So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Not sure I can stand up.
Sue White : No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : OK. Shut the door.
Sue White : OK.
Sue White : [sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]
Dr. Macartney : It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!
Sue White : Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!
Dr. Macartney : Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
Sue White : Well, there is more than adequate cover.
Dr. Macartney : I don't think there is.
Sue White : Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.
Dr. Macartney : Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.
Sue White : And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.
Dr. Macartney : Did I?
Sue White : Yeah!
Dr. Macartney : Yes, I suppose I did, yes.
Sue White : So what's the problem?
Dr. Macartney : I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!
Sue White : Why?
Dr. Macartney : Just because.
Sue White : Because why?
Dr. Macartney : Because... because guy is a wanker!
Sue White : Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.
Dr. Macartney : Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not...?
Sue White : Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.
Dr. Macartney : Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay.
Sue White : I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that?
[she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch]
Sue White : Ohhhh...
Sue White : Dr Secretan... are you ok?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [sobbing] Don't touch me.
Sue White : And you're hiding in the coats because?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I feel safe here... It reminds me of...
Sue White : Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?
Sue White : No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : My mother's womb is no more.
Sue White : Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes
Sue White : There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Don't be nice to me!
Sue White : Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous Fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *cunt* because that's what you do best!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [shouts] Fuck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
Sue White : Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
Sue White : Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
Dr. Macartney : Aha.
Sue White : [types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way.
Sue White : I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,
Sue White : run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could.
Sue White : Mobile phone number?
Dr. Macartney : 07956, actually, I'm between...
Sue White : Thighs?
Dr. Macartney : ...networks.
Sue White : Okay.
Sue White : And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
Sue White : House number?
Dr. Macartney : 21.
Sue White : That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.
Dr. Macartney : Yes.
Sue White : [whispering] I have an unlimited budget!
[Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]
Sue White : What's this?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?
Sue White : Is it lost?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Is it doing anything for me?
Sue White : No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : [he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it.
Sue White : [looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.
toddler : Hello.
Sue White : Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these?
[she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]
toddler : Yes, please.
[holds out a hand towards the lolly]
Sue White : [pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.
[Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]
Sue White : Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yeah, within reason.
Sue White : Well, not necessarily.
[she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag]
Sue White : Right, for instance, pop this on.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : What?
Sue White : Go on, slave, pop that on!
[Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]
Sue White : Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Why?
Sue White : Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Right, okay...
[he does as he is told]
Sue White : And say "Hello, Sue".
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Hello, Sue.
Sue White : [she moans] ..."I'm Dr McCartney"...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!
Sue White : Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!
[Guy grabs it reluctantly]
Sue White : Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...!
[she giggles girlishly]
Sue White : Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Oh, it's great.
Sue White : Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : Yes, let's buy it, darling.
Sue White : Oooohhh, okay!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan : I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.
Sue White : Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!
Sue White : [Jogging in the Canteen] You're all a bunch of fatties! You can't eat that, you're far too fat!
Slave Auction MC : Dr. McCartney has withdrawn from the Slave Auction.
Sue White : [howls in anguish]
Sue White : [Slave Auction Date] Oh pleasure your body as well as your mind you poor man!
Lyndon Jones : Rather not.
Sue White : Why?
Lyndon Jones : Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! Sorry, but that's just the way it is. Let's forget this ever happened.
[gets in a taxi. She follows him in]
Sue White : I don't mind swallowing!
Lyndon Jones : [he jumps out the other side and runs for it]
Dr. Caroline Todd : [at Caroline's housewarming party. Caroline is standing in the doorway saying goodbye to some people. Sue White jumps up to her] Bye, bye, um, thanks for coming. Oh, oh, you were here...? Well, thank you for coming.
Sue White : [she leans in and speaks to Caroline's breasts] Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to your party...
Dr. Caroline Todd : I didn't know I did, but you were here and now you're going so that's all that matters.
Sue White : [leans in and kisses her passionately]
Dr. Caroline Todd : I've been sick.
Sue White : [with her hands on her own breasts] Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved!
Dr. Caroline Todd : Oh, God. Oh, God.
Sue White : Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, okay?
[sings and skips away]
Dr. Caroline Todd : I do like him.
Sue White : I see.
Dr. Caroline Todd : In a non-professional way.
Sue White : Ah.
Dr. Caroline Todd : And I work with him every day so...
[Sue makes strange gagging noises]
Dr. Caroline Todd : What?
Sue White : Nothing. It's - er - you work with him every day?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Yeah.
Sue White : Guy?
Dr. Caroline Todd : No.
Sue White : The other one?
Dr. Caroline Todd : Yeah.
Sue White : [close to tears] The - er - the one with the lion's mane?
Dr. Caroline Todd : I - w - yeah.
Sue White : I see. Well, Dr Trod, maybe you've had your chance with him. Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. Maybe you should just STAY AWAY or pay the price. Mmm, mmm? Now maybe you should think about that. You've been warned, lady.
Sue White : I will answer you, but only in the language of the Crow.
Sue White : Leave me now, I want to rest my scary eyes.
Sue White : She's not good enough for you, Mac! She'll never be good enough for you! She doesn't have a Fanny!
Sue White : A HAAAAAANDBAG? Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that.
Sue White : I could put a spell on you.
Sue White : Health and Safety have said you'll have to cut your hair, but for me it can't be long enough! I imagine a woman can only hang on!
[grabs Mac's hair]
Sue White : How's this one?
Dr. Martin Dear : [tries a shirt on] Well it's a bit crispy... round here.
Sue White : Oh my creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been waashed!
Dr. Martin Dear : Washed? You mean they're not new?
Sue White : New? No, they're not new, what would I be doing with new clothes in my office? This is the Dead Box!
Dr. Martin Dear : You mean these are the clothes of dead people? That's disgusting.
Sue White : Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with it. Look:
[points to shirt]
Sue White : Fatal RTA,
[points to trousers]
Sue White : Fatal RTA,
[puts boot on desk]
Sue White : Stroke Victim! I had to wait three days for these, saves me a fortune. But come on, I'll take you shopping.
Sue White : [mobile goes off and she starts dancing]
Sue White : Do you know the Story of the Magical Pink Rabbit?
Dr. Macartney : Hang on. Does the Magic Rabbit live in an Enchanted Forest?
Sue White : Yeah!
Dr. Macartney : Does the Magic Rabbit only pop his nose out of his burrow once in a while?
Sue White : Right!
Dr. Macartney : Can I just say something? I have no idea what we're talking about.
Sue White : Yes you do!
Dr. Macartney : No I don't, I'm going.
Sue White : Ooh, Martin! Wee willy winkie's not so wee!
Sue White : Ah, she touched my Jacksie! Her, the one with no Fanny! Touched my Jacksie!
Sue White : Did you just touch my Squirrel?
Sue White : Pah! Pah-Pah Pah! Pah-Pah Pah-Pah Pah-Pah! Pah-Pah!
Sue White : [releases a fly into the Insectecutor with sadistic relish]
Sue White : [Bunny Ears at a Funeral]
Sue White : [hits a button and "Fuck Off" runs across an LED Display]
Sue White : Ah, Lyndon, lovely, lovely Lyndon!
Sue White : [cutting the brakes on a Doctor's car]