There are certain events in life that, no matter how ready you think you are, you can never truly be prepared for. "Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras" was one of these events. Let me begin this review by saying that I love s****y movies. I LOVE them. Look at IMDB's list of worst horror movies ever. Scroll all the way to the bottom. I have seen at least half of these movies. "Final Stab"? Seen it. "Lost Voyage"? Seen it. "Sasquatch", starring washed up Roy Schneider wannabe Lance Henrickson? Seen it. While these movies were horrible, especially "Lost Voyage", which could only be described as "thumb in the eye horrible", none of them could have adequately prepared me for the cinematic abortion that was "Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras."
Let's start with the pros, shall we? Okay first of all, the cover art was designed by someone with at least a basic working knowledge of Adobe Photoshop.
That was fun. Now onto the negatives. The budget of this film, every single cent of it, undoubtedly went towards the Photoshop software used to create the cover art. I suppose my biggest beef with this film was the complete and utter lack of chupacabras/chupacabra-related deaths. Now, when I see a movie called "Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras", I have certain expectations. These expectations do not involve 5 random Mexicans walking around for two hours while nothing in particular happens. Naturally, I was quite disappointed when only one person was chupacabra'd, a scant 15 minutes into the film. While the "hastily opened soda can" sound effect did a lot to enhance the juggulating, I was still left sorely disappointed. Especially when the movie dragged on for an additional 2 hours. In which nothing happened. At all. And then the credits rolled. Credits! Do you understand what that means? It means that people- human beings- were involved in the creation of this atrocity. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like if I hadn't seen this movie, and for just a brief, fleeting second, I am happy. And then the world of reality comes crashing down on my head like a trainwreck. This movie ruined my life.
In conclusion, I've added a list of better ways to spend 2 hours/3 dollars:
-Stick thumb deep, deep into eye.
-Make better movie about chupacabras involving, and here's the twist- actual chupacabras!
-Engage in awkward, sweaty, groping session with British pop star Phil Collins
-Track down and brutally murder anyone involved in the creation of "Bloodthirst: Legend of the Chupacabras"
-Kill 200 bag ladies
-Drink yourself into a coma and die happily, knowing you'll never have to witness this heinous crime against humanity
-See "Lost Voyage." I'm not even joking.