- Don: Hey, Napoleon. What did you do last summer again?
- Napoleon Dynamite: I told you! I spent it with my uncle in Alaska hunting wolverines!
- Don: Did you shoot any?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yes, like 50 of 'em! They kept trying to attack my cousins, what the heck would you do in a situation like that?
- Don: What kind of gun did you use?
- Napoleon Dynamite: A freakin' 12-gauge, what do you think?
- Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to Deb's milk] I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.
- [first lines]
- Kid on Bus: What are you gonna do today, Napoleon?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Whatever I feel like I wanna do. Gosh!
- Napoleon Dynamite: [Feeding the llama scoops of casserole over the fence] Tina, you fat lard, come get some DINNER!... Tina, eat. Food. Eat the FOOD!
- [Napoleon has snuck tator tots out of the lunch room and is eating them during class out of his pants pocket]
- Randy: Napoleon, give me some of your tots.
- Napoleon Dynamite: No, go find your own.
- Randy: Come on, give me some of your tots.
- Napoleon Dynamite: No, I'm freakin' starving! I didn't get to eat *anything* today.
- Randy: [Kicks the pocket with the tots, crushing them]
- Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh! Gross! Freakin' idiot!
- Napoleon Dynamite: Well, what is there to eat?
- Grandma: Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!
- Deb: What are you drawing?
- Napoleon Dynamite: A liger.
- Deb: What's a liger?
- Napoleon Dynamite: It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic.
- Uncle Rico: What about your girlfriend?
- Kip: Well, things are getting pretty serious right now. I mean, we chat online for, like, two hours every day so I guess you could say things are gettin' pretty serious.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Do the chickens have large talons?
- Farmer: Do they have what?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Large talons.
- Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks glass of milk] The defect in that one is bleach.
- FFA Judge No. 1: That's right.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [drinks second glass of milk] This tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.
- FFA Judge No. 2: Correct.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yessssssssss.
- Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Stay home and eat all the freakin' chips, Kip.
- Kip: Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes... *all day*. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Since when, Kip? You have the worst reflexes of all time.
- Kip: Try and hit me, Napoleon.
- Napoleon Dynamite: What?
- Kip: I said come down here and see what happens if you try and hit me.
- Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
- Pedro: Like what are my skills?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
- Rex: I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the reflexes of a PUMA, and the wisdom of a man.
- Napoleon Dynamite: [referring to the dance] Who are you gonna ask?
- Pedro: That girl over there.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Summer Wheatly? How the heck are you gonna do that?
- Pedro: Build her a cake or something.
- Kip: LaFawnduh is *the* best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 100% positive she's my soul mate. Don't worry Napoleon, I'm sure there's a babe out there for you too. Peace out.
- Trisha: Hi, is Napoleon there?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Yes.
- Trisha: Can I talk to him?
- Napoleon Dynamite: You already are.
- Uncle Rico: How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
- [Kip is singing to Lafawnduh after they are pronounced husband and wife]
- Kip: Why do you love me? Why do you need me? Always and forever... We met in a chatroom, now our love can fully bloom... Sure the world wide web is great, but you, you make my salivate... I love technology, but not as much as you, you see... But I STILL love technology... Always and forever. Our love is like a flock of doves, flying up to heaven above... always and forever, always and forever... Why do you need me? Why do you love me? Always and forever...
- Trisha: I wanted to thank you for the beautiful drawing you did of me.
- [through gritted teeth]
- Trisha: It's hanging in my *bedroom*.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Really? It took me like three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done.
- Trisha: Yeah... it's really... neat.
- Kip: So when's grandma coming back?
- Uncle Rico: I don't know. Not sure.
- Napoleon Dynamite: You don't have to stay here with us, we're not babies.
- Uncle Rico: Ha ha! Talk to your Auntie Carolyn.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Kip is like 32 years old.
- Kip: I don't mind if you stay.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Why do you got your hood on like that?
- Pedro: Well, when I came home from school my head started to get really hot. So I drank some cold water, but it didn't do nothing. So I laid in the bathtub for a while, but then I realized that it was my hair that was making my head hot. So I went into my kitchen and I shaved it all off. I don't want anyone to see.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I know what you mean.
- Napoleon Dynamite: What kind of bike do you have?
- Pedro: It's a sledgehammer.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Dang! You got shocks, pegs... lucky! You ever take it off any sweet jumps?
- Napoleon Dynamite: [Cut to Pedro jumping] You got like three feet of air that time.
- Principal Svadean: Look, Pedro, I don't know how they do things down in Juarez, but here in Idaho we have a little something called pride. Understand? Smashing in the face of a pinata that resembles Summer Wheatley is a disgrace to you, me, and the entire Gem State.
- Napoleon Dynamite: What are you doing here, Uncle Rico?
- Uncle Rico: Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.
- Uncle Rico: [Napoleon brings a box of assorted chips to the cash register line] Napoleon, you know we can't afford the fun pack! What, do you think money grows on trees in this family? Take it back! And get some Pampers for you and your brother while you're at it.
- Randy: Hey, give me 50 cents so I can buy a pop.
- Bullied Kid: I don't have any, Randy.
- Randy: C'mon, I'll pay you back.
- Bullied Kid: I don't have...
- [Randy grabs him by the back of the neck and starts yanking up and down on it]
- Randy: I'll do this to you...
- Bullied Kid: Don't! Stop! Stop! Don't! Ow. Here, here.
- [Randy grabs the money and walks away]
- Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon, who's been watching, walks up to the kid] How's your neck?
- Bullied Kid: Stings.
- Napoleon Dynamite: That's too bad.
- [Napoleon offers him a boondoggle key-chain]
- Napoleon Dynamite: Pedro offers you his protection.
- [Cut to next scene - the bullied kid is taking his bike off a rack and Randy walks up]
- Randy: Hey, let me borrow your bike.
- Bullied Kid: No.
- Randy: C'mon, I'll give you some chips.
- Bullied Kid: No!
- [They continue to struggle over the bike]
- Cholo No. 1, Cholo #2: [drive up in their low-rider convertible, that has "Vote 4 Pedro" painted on the door. The driver shakes his head 'no' with a threatening look on his face. Randy gives up and walks away from the kid. The bullied kid smiles]
- Napoleon Dynamite: You know, there's like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff.
- Uncle Rico: I wish you wouldn't look at me like that, Napoleon.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I wish you'd get out of my life and shut up!
- Uncle Rico: I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now. While you're out there playing patty cake with your friend Pedro, your Uncle Rico is makin' 120 bucks.
- [pulls a check out of his shirt pocket]
- Napoleon Dynamite: I could make that much money in five seconds!
- Kip: Geez. Yeah right, Napoleon. I made, like, 75 bucks today.
- Uncle Rico: Napoleon, it's looks like you don't have a job. So why don't you get out there and feed Tina.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Why don't you go eat a decroded piece of crap!
- Napoleon Dynamite: [taunting a bully] Oh yeah? Who's the only one here who knows secret Ninja moves from the government?
- Uncle Rico: So what do you think?
- Kip: It's pretty cool, I guess.
- Uncle Rico: Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I'd take state.
- Napoleon Dynamite: This is pretty much the worst video ever made.
- Kip: Napoleon, like anyone can even know that.
- Uncle Rico: You know what, Napoleon? You can leave.
- Napoleon Dynamite: You guys are retarded!
- Uncle Rico: Kip, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
- Kip: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
- Uncle Rico: Right on... right on.
- Kip: [typing a poem on his computer] Your sandy hair floats in the air... To me it's like a lullaby... I'm just flying by... Oh so high... like a kite... tied to a skate...
- [begins singing]
- [Napoleon is watching a dance video]
- D-Qwon: [excitedly] Welcome to D-Qwon's dance grooves, are you ready to get your groove on?
- Napoleon Dynamite: [deadpans] Yes.
- D-Qwon: All right then, let's get started!
- Napoleon Dynamite: [while hitch-hiking] So are you guys like Pedro's cousins with all the sweet hookups?
- Cholo No. 1: Simón!
- [Mexican slang for "Hell, yeah!"]
- Rex: At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back - AT ALL TIMES. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here?
- [points to Kip]
- Rex: [Grabs a hold of his stars and stripes parachute pants] Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it.
- Rex: [Points to a picture of a hulking, body builder woman on the wall] Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it!
- Kip: [Napoleon has Kip in a sleeper-hold] Ow! Ah geez!
- Napoleon Dynamite: What the crap was Uncle Rico doin' at my girlfriend's house?
- Kip: Napoleon, let go of me! I think you're bruisin' my neck meat!
- Napoleon Dynamite: Fine!
- [Napoleon releases Kip]
- Napoleon Dynamite: What the heck are you guys doin'? Tryin' to ruin my life and make me look like a freakin' idiot?
- Kip: I'm out makin' some sweet moola with Uncle Rico. Geez, I think you ripped my mole off.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I did?
- Kip: Yeah, is it bleeding?
- Napoleon Dynamite: A little bit.
- Uncle Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile.
- Kip: Are you serious?
- Uncle Rico: I'm dead serious.
- [Napoleon answers the door and Deb is standing out there]
- Deb: Um, hello. Would you like to look like this?
- [holds out a photo]
- Napoleon Dynamite: [Napoleon takes the photo and looks at it] This is a girl.
- Deb: [Deb continues nervously] Because for a limited time only, Glamour Shots by Deb are 75% off.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I already get my hair cut at the Cuttin' Corral.
- Deb: Well, maybe you'd be interested in some home-woven handicrafts?
- [Scene continues after Rex Kwon Do TV ad Kip's watching]
- Deb: ... And here we have some boondoggle key chains. A must-have for this season's fashion.
- Napoleon Dynamite: I already made like infinity of those at scout camp.
- Pedro: They're pretty good, except for one little problem. That little guy right there. He is nipple number five. A good dairy cow should have, like, four.
- Kip: I'm just really trying to raise a few bucks now so I can bring her out for a few days.
- Uncle Rico: Yeah, well what does she look like?
- Kip: She's uh... she's got sandy blonde hair. She's uh... pretty good looking face, but I'm just getting really... just kinda T.O.'d because... I mean she hasn't even sent me a full body shot yet.
- Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
- Pedro: Why?
- Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
- Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
- Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
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