The Very Best of 'Have I Got News for You' (2002 Video)

Paul Merton: Self, Team Captain

Quotes 

• Paul Merton : [caption competition: photo of JFK riding in his limo on the day of his assassination]  Is he saying "Do you know, I think my headache's gone"?

• The Earl of Onslow : At the turn of the century, the Church of England was pro-fox hunting and anti-buggery. And it's now pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting.

  [audience laughs] 

  Paul Merton : But presumably with buggery you don't have to chase your quarry through the countryside.

  The Earl of Onslow : You ask Peter Tatchell.

  Ian Hislop : I don't know, they move pretty quick on Hampstead Heath, don't they?

  The Earl of Onslow , Paul Merton : How do you know?

  Glenda Jackson : I was just about to ask that myself!

  Paul Merton : Only when you're there! "Quick, it's Hislop, pretend you're an undercover policeman." "Quickly, swallow the evidence."

• Angus Deayton : [reading out headline during missing words round]  "I made Thatcher 'what' boasts Nigel".

  Paul Merton : Swallow?

• [caption competition - a photo of a frowning Angus wearing a motorcycle helmet with a skull and crossbones on it, but also wearing a suit and tie as per usual. A biker is in the background] 

  Paul Merton : General Pinochet's right hand man arrested at last.

  Ian Hislop : New chapter opens of Hells Chartered Accountants.

  Tom Baker : How do you like your blue-eyed boy, Mr. Death?

  [this draws the biggest laugh from the audience] 

  Ian Hislop : Angus takes his stabilisers off.

  Paul Merton : Your toupee'll be ready in a moment, Mr. Deayton

• Paula Yates : Ian, please stop being unkind. Don't be unkind.

  Ian Hislop : [to the audience]  Shall I stop being unkind?

  [the audience replies "No!"] 

  Paul Merton : Well, there's only one way to sort this out, if you want Ian to stop being unkind, phone 09876...

• Ian Hislop : I gather it took you six days to write this book. Did you get writer's block or something?

  Paula Yates : You say one more thing, he's going to hit you.

  Paul Merton : Yeah, I will and all. I'd take great pleasure thumping my fist into that great face of yours.

  Angus Deayton : [to the camera]  It was around the beginning of the 10th series that things began to get nasty.

• Angus Deayton : The word spelled wrong was 'vocabulary', in fact. And so, for an extra point, how do you spell it?

  Sheila Hancock : Vocabulary. V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y.

  Angus Deayton : Uh, no, I'm afraid you've fallen for the oldest schoolboy joke in the world...

  Paul Merton : I-T?

  Angus Deayton : ...you actually spell 'it', I-T.

  Sheila Hancock : [groans]  Oh, I-T... Oh, please! Oh... that is pathetic!

  Paul Merton : Sheila Hancock's a respected actress! You drag her along here and go "How do you spell 'it'?"! She's a respected actress!

  Ian Hislop : You're meant to be Jeremy Paxman, not Jeremy Beadle!

• Angus Deayton : Do you want to know more about Mr. Abdalá Bucaram?

  Paul Merton : No.

  Angus Deayton : Oh. Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

  Paul Merton : I don't want to know it.

  Angus Deayton : Well, I'm going to tell you.

  Paul Merton : Well, when this bit comes on, I'll turn the telly off.

  [sticks his fingers in his ears] 

  Paul Merton : And I'm going to say "La-la-la-la-la-la-la, I can't hear you, I can't hear you." You can't make me know this.

  Angus Deayton : Right, well, you'd better start shouting now, because here we go: Mr. Abdalá...

  Paul Merton : [interrupting]  Da-da-da-da-da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...Bucaram...

  Paul Merton : Da-da da-da!

  Angus Deayton : ...returned...

  Paul Merton : La-la-la-la-la!

  Ian Hislop : This is like being at home with my two-year-old

• Angus Deayton : So, what about your new ally then, Neil Hamilton?

  Swampy : Is he?

  Angus Deayton : Well, he was on your side, wasn't he? Over Manchester airport.

  Swampy : Was he? All right, excellent. Who is he?

  [laughter] 

  Ian Hislop : He won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who won't?

  Ian Hislop : Hamilton, Neil Hamilton won't resign.

  Angus Deayton : Who's he? Oh, right.

  Paul Merton : This is getting rather tiresome, it's getting like reminiscent of a conversation in an old people's home. "Who? Who are we talking about? Oh, yes!" "Who?" "Can I have some tea?"

• Roy Hattersley : [referring to when they used a tub of lard in place of him]  It was a terrible disappointment to me, 'cos I thought there was going to be a great barrel with stains...

  Paul Merton : Well, you're here now, anyway.

• [the winning entry of a German art contest is shown - a strange picture of some women and a child in a zoo standing behind some rocks with a tiger lying on the other side, it could easily jump over them. Only the child's head is visible above the rocks] 

  Paul Merton : [indignantly]  God, what sort of zoo is this? They've put the rhino behind the cage and they've stuck the kids right next to the tiger! It's eaten that child's body!

  Angus Deayton : It's only the rhino that's in the enclosure, you see. The tiger is one of us. Very deep.

  Paul Merton : Well, I think that's a policy which frankly needs reviewing.