Plot

This is how it works: In nature, the heat and pressure of the earth turns coal into diamonds over a period of thousands of years. Industrial diamonds are created by processing coal in a machine that mimics the heat and pressure of the earth. Because coal is the carbonized remains of prehistoric plants and animals, it is made up of the same chemical components found in all other organic life forms, including human beings, so, what would happen if cremated human remains were used instead of coal?—David Gaz

Dr. Simon Lockbuster invented a machine that turns people into diamonds. Augustine Garza knew how to use it to its fullest potential. Together they stole the remains of history's greatest names: Napoleon, King Tut, Lenin & Walt Disney, making them into to diamonds, and selling them on the Celebrity Diamond Network. It was a wonderful, marvelous, incredible plan... until they ran out of corpses. So now they've enlisted Bergerac De La Houssey and his friend Lulu, to "help" a few B list celebrities go to that place where they'll always be remembered... "on the ring finger of a Hollywood starlet or around the neck of a politician's wife." What could go wrong, besides Bergerac and Lulu being completely inept, or Bergerac falling in love with one of the diamonds, or the police finding the 30 plus human thumbs that Lockbuster has neatly stacked in his refrigerator? Plenty!—Kevin Poore