Jimmy Jewel: Eli Pledge

Nearest and Dearest

Eli Pledge

[Nellie has inspected nude statues at the art gallery]
Nellie Pledge: Ooooh, these sculpturers! They don't know when to stop chiselling, do they?
Eli Pledge: I suppose that statue is what you call a Greek god.
Nellie Pledge: Well, I don't know if he were Greek, but he were a big lad.
Eli Pledge: Well, what's worrying you then?
Nellie Pledge: Well, I'm going to get married next week, aren't I? I don't want Vernon to be disappointed.
Eli Pledge: If you're going by that statue in the art gallery it's you that's going to be bloody disappointed.

[the Pledges survey their parents' grave]
Nellie Pledge: There's room for us two in there, y'know. Are you coming in?
Eli Pledge: I'm not going down there. When I die I'm donating my body to medical science.
Nellie Pledge: Oh, that's very nice, isn't it? And what about on the day of adjudication when Gabriel sounds his horn - where will you be, eh? Scattered all over the infirmary in jam-jars. You'll be better off in there with us.
Eli Pledge: [Eli sees Lily and Walter approaching] Hello, here they are - Burke and Hare.
Nellie Pledge: Oh, you got here at last then, our Lily? You've only just missed him.
[She regards Walter]
Nellie Pledge: Oh - has he been?
[Walter looks puzzled]
Nellie Pledge: I think he's been.
Lily Tattersall: Took him a right long time to find it.
Eli Pledge: I'll bet it did.
Nellie Pledge: I suppose you'd like to throw some soil at him, would you Walter?
[Walter nods]
Nellie Pledge: Alright then.
[Walter grabs a handful of soil and throws it in Eli's face]
Eli Pledge: Not me, cloghead!
[Points into grave]
Eli Pledge: Him!
Lily Tattersall: He's been right looking forward to coming here today.
Nellie Pledge: Yeah well, it'll be nice day out for him, won't it?
Eli Pledge: By t'look of him, it's hardly worthwhile him going home.

[Nellie is worried about her honeymoon night]
Nellie Pledge: Did me dad tell you?
Eli Pledge: I did ask him once. I said to him, "Dad, I feel I'm growing up and I'd like to know where I come from."
Nellie Pledge: And what did he say?
Eli Pledge: He looked me up and down and he said "I keep asking myself the same bloody question." What did our mam tell you?
Nellie Pledge: Nothing.
Eli Pledge: Well, did you ever ask her?
Nellie Pledge: Yes. She said she'd tell me after I'd turned 21.
Eli Pledge: Well, what did she tell you when you turned 21?
Nellie Pledge: Well, she said if I didn't know then I never bloody would know.

Eli Pledge: After fifteen years you must be a bit knackered.
Nellie Pledge: I am neither knackered, knockered or knickered - and any changes made here will be made over my dogsbody!

[Nellie's wedding day has gone awry]
Nellie Pledge: Well, at least I got something out of it.
Eli Pledge: What?
Nellie Pledge: A sideboard full of presents. If they want them back, well I mean - at least I'll have had 'em once.
Eli Pledge: Hey - you've still got me.
Nellie Pledge: Yeah, God help me. Well come on, let's collect that lot and let's get home and have the do.
Eli Pledge: You're not still having the do?
Nellie Pledge: We've got to have somebody to help us to eat all that boiled ham.