- Hogan wants Klink to forget about a promotion so he plays cupid for him and General Burkhalter's sister.
- At the start, Schultz goes into the barracks to turn out the lights. He says that lights go out in 25 seconds. Newkir says 'You woke us up for that?' Newkirk takes Schultz's rifle while he is not looking. Newkirk gives it to LeBeau, and Schultz finds LeBeau hugging it in his bunk. LeBeau says he does not have a teddy bear. Carter is in his bunk, and asks Schultz for a drink of water. Schultz leaves. Then the men go down into the tunnel.
Capt. Ferguson is a shot-down pilot waiting to go to England. He is in the tunnel, in a recliner reading a book and listening to a record player. He needs to go on a mission. The land periscope is near the ladder to the outside exit, the top of the periscope as seen from the outside is covered in plants. Kinch and Hogan look through the periscope, and see Klink patrolling the wire, keeping guards awake so Capt. Ferguson can't escape. Then Hogan sees Klink heading to the barracks, so he hurries the men back to the barracks; they should be asleep in their bunks.
Klink goes to the barracks, turns the lights on. Klink wants to talk to Hogan alone; Hogan invites Klink to Hogan's office. Klink tells Hogan that he (Klink) is a failure, and he can't sleep. Klink has been a colonel longer than anyone in his graduating class; others are generals and field marshals. They talk a bit. General Burkhalter will be coming tomorrow to talk about the future.
General Burkhalter comes to visit STALAG 13, and tells Klink that he disapproves of him, and wants Klink to get a wife. General Burkhalter refers to a Captan Haldman who just made General; he says that Haldman was the idiot of his graduating class. Burkhalter tells Klink to see what marrying into the right family will do. Burkhalter's sister and niece will be visiting. Hogan tells Klink to get some sleep.
Burkhalter, his sister Frau Linkmeyer, and her daughter Lottie come to STALAG 13. Klink says that quarters are prepared, and wants to show them around the camp. Burkhalter says that they just got there, and need to freshen up. Frau Linkmeyer is a homely brunette, and Lottie is a beautiful blonde. Burkhalter asks them what they think of Klink, and Lottie says he looks like a dead fish. After Lottie responds, Burkhalter says that he was asking her mother. Frau Linkmeyer says that she is not a widow; her husband, Otto, is 'missing in action at the Russian front'. Burkhalter says 'Missing in action at the Russian front' means 'widow'.
In Klink's office, Klink tells Hogan that General Burkhalter wants Klink to marry his niece, not knowing that General Burkhalter really wants Klink to marry his sister. Klink asks advice from Hogan on what to do, how to romance Lottie. Hogan tells him that the most important thing is to whisper lies in her ear. Klink won't do it; he has a code of honor.
Frau Linkmeyer comes to Klink's office and wants to talk to Klink alone, but Klink wants Hogan to stay. Burkhalter and Lottie are going around the camp. Frau Linkmeyer asks Klink some questions related to marriage. She asks Klink 'Do you drink or gamble?' Klink answers 'Never'. Who should handle the finances, the husband or the wife? After Klink stumbles, Hogan answers the questions for Klink, and Klink agrees with the answers. Schultz comes in and says that Burkhalter and Lottie are here. Frau Linkmeyer says that they will talk more later, and tells Klink that Lottie does not like Klink. There can not be a marriage without her approval. She leaves the office.
Klink still thinks that it is Lottie he is being fixed up with. Klink wants Lottie to fall in live with Klink, not an 'image'. Hogan gives Klink things to say, still thinking that Lottie is the one that Klink is being set up with. Klink is alone with Gertrude (Frau Linkmeyer), but never alone with Lottie without Gertrude. Klink asks Hogan what to do. Hogan dictates words to Klink. Give her an invitation to dinner.
Hogan delivers a letter from Klink to Lottie. Klink has invited Lottie for dinner, but Lottie thinks that he has invited 'Mama'. Hogan tries to build up Klink by telling Lottie that Klink is a Baron, and talks about his decorations. Lottie is impressed. Hogan tells her not to tell her mother. Lottie then tells Hogan that it is her mother that is going to marry Klink, and that Lottie now approves. Hogan wants the note back.
In Klink's quarters, Hogan is there talking with LeBeau (as the cook) about the dinner set-up. Hogan tells LeBeau that he feels sorry for Klink. Gertrude arrives for dinner, calling him 'Wilhelm'. She tells him to call her 'Gertrude'. She is thinking that Klink wants to marry her. She tells Klink that she was mad about General Burkhalter's matchmaking, but now she got to know him better. She wants to set up 'our own little love nest'. LeBeau gets champagne. Klink asks Schultz to set another place (for Hogan).
At the end, Gertrude asks Klink about a spring wedding. Hogan suggests the wedding be 'tomorrow'. as Klink has volunteered for service at the Russian front. Gertrude gets mad and tells Klink that the engagement is off, and storms out of the room. Klink tells Hogan that he has done him a favor, and what can he do in return. Hogan says 'Just get a good night's sleep'.
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