Bottom Live 3: Hooligan's Island (1997 Video)

Rik Mayall: Richard Richard

Quotes 

• Richie : You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? You're trying to send me round the twist. You're trying to make me lose the plot.

  Eddie : Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we?

• Richie : I see your point.

  Eddie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

  Richie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

  Eddie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down? No, they're up! I can see they're up! Oh, I see your point!

  Richie : Why? Have my trousers fallen down?

  Eddie : Help! Rich! We're stuck in a sort of nob gag Bermuda Triangle!

  Richie : Quick! Change routine! Change routine!

• Richie : So when you ask me,

  [impersonating Eddie] 

  Richie : "Uh, what's for breakfast?"

  [back to own voice] 

  Richie : I would say 'something a little unusual.'

  Eddie : What, like a really crap impression of me? All of a sudden? 10 weeks into the tour? Just 'cos the cameras are on?

• Eddie : Well, how d'you know they're cannibals?

  Richie : Old jungle trick, Eddie. Big cannibal giveaway. They're cooking someone in a pot.

  Eddie : No, he's just having a bath, isn't he?

  Richie : What, with an onion up his bum?

  Eddie : He could be French.

• Richie : Eddie, have you been stealing material again?

• Richie : Oh, Eddie, think what we're missing... like a script!

  Eddie : Well, we're not so much missing a script, are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

• Richie : Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

• Richie : What sort of bloke?

  Eddie : Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

  [Loud groan from the audience] 

  Richie : A what?

  Eddie : I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman.

  [to audience] 

  Eddie : Fuck off, you paid.

• [At the start of act 2:] 

  Richie : God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

  [There is a cry from the back of the audience: "Have a wank!"] 

  Eddie : We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

  Richie : Eddie, will you stop talking to the fucking fish?

• [Rik Mayall has forgotten his lines] 

  Richie : Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie! Oh Eddie!

  Eddie : Usually when he says "Oh Eddie" it's because he has forgotten his lines.

  Richie : Oh Eddie.

  Eddie : Yes I'm waiting.

  Richie : You bastard!

• [a prop Albertross has broken down at the side of the stage] 

  Richie : Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, see it circle...

  Eddie : Watch it swoop, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the prop man sacked!

• [a bird's droppings have landed on Eddie's Head] 

  Richie : That was lucky!

  Eddie : What, that you weren't standing here?

  [sarcastic] 

  Eddie : Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my humble little way!

  [Audience are laughing as Eddie towels his head] 

  Eddie : Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol!

• Eddie : I hate this island so much I would rather be in Liverpool!

  Richie : Yes...

  [a member of the audience moans something to Eddie] 

  Eddie : A scouser's in tonight. Fuck off and steal something.

• Richie : You stupid fucking ring-sausage!

• Richie : I work my fingers to the bone trying to pep up your diet, and insert a little jazz into your food!

  Eddie : I beg your pardon!

  Richie : There you go again!

  Eddie : No, I just didn't hear what you said.

  Richie : Not true! Not true at all! You're accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!

• Richie : You thorough and total wank biscuit!

• Eddie : How did you actually catch this fish?

  Richie : I didn't actually catch it Eddie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I sort of found it. It was floating upside-down on the surface of the water.

  Eddie : So it was dead already?

  Richie : Well it was on its way out, yes. I mean, it was coughing violently, bringing up this extraordinary yellow bile. It had this wild panicked look in its eyes, and it was foaming at the gills.

  Eddie : Was this in Bluffman's Cove?

  Richie : Sort of, sort of. It was in the latrine. I think a seagull might have dropped it. Very tasty, though.

• Richie : Hey Norman, last week my wife had both her hands severed in a serious industrial accident.

  Eddie : Really, how does she feel?

  Richie : She can't! She hasn't got any hands left!

  [pause] 

  Richie : Yeah, I'd like to see one of today's young, modern comedians do that joke.

  Eddie : Yeah, why's that?

  Richie : 'Cos it's shit!

• Richie : Oh Eddie! Think what we're missing. like a script.

  Eddie : Yeah, well, we're not really missing a script are we, it's just that you can't fucking remember it.

  Richie : oh Eddie!

  Eddie : and every time you can't remember it you go "Oh Eddie!"

• Richie : Hey, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be?

  Eddie : Angus Deayton.

  Richie : Angus Deayton, why?

  Eddie : Because he's got autocue.

  Richie : Oh yeah, lucky bastard.

  Eddie : Yes, you could have done with that tonight, couldn't you?

• Richie : [Over-dramatic]  Oh, fate! Ohhh, nemesis!

  Eddie : Ohhhhhh, fuck.

• Richie : Hey Eddie, fancy a cocktail before bed? How 'bout a Bloody Mavis?

  Eddie : Now, that's the one that's made from gin, blood, and porcupine shit? Without the gin?

• Richie : I think my theory holds water.

  Eddie : And what theory is that?

  Richie : That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

• [Cardboard Shark Fins are dragged along the front of the stage] 

  Richie : Oh Eddie! It's obvious that there is no escape for us that way. We can't go into those murky waters with the creatures of the deep. We'd trip over that bit of wire.

  Eddie : Or we'd get a rather nasty paper cut.

• Richie : Do I have bad breath?

  Eddie : Does the Pope shit in the woods?

  Richie : No, why?

  Eddie : Because it smells like he's shat in your mouth.

• Richie : Eddie, we are a specialty act. We do not do impressions. You lower the whole tone. The disappearing rabbits were a nightmare.

  Eddie : They disappeared.

  Richie : Yeah, cos you threw them in to the fuckin' audience.

  Eddie : Hey, they reappeared.

  Richie : Yeah, they fuckin' threw them back.

• Richie : We were not so much a two hour diversion than a twenty-four hour pitch battle in the main dining room area. We were awful.

  Eddie : Oh come on. We weren't that bad. We had a great name. 'The Great Arsehole and Norman'.

  Richie : [astonished]  We weren't that bad,

  [pause] 

  Richie : Norman.

• Richie : Well, then, I think it's our duty Eddie, as citizens of the world, yes, but above all as Englishmen, with a song in our hearts and a twinkle in our eye and major league tackle in our M & S Y's, to defuse this bomb.

  Eddie : Don't you mean it's our duty as lily-livered yellow-trousered shit-your-pants scared-o girlies, who've just discovered they're sharing a very tiny island with a 15-megaton nuclear device, to defuse this bomb?

• Richie : Wait, there's something written on the side.

  [reads] 

  Richie : "Le Danger"..."Le Nuclear Bomb". Shit, it's all in French.

• Eddie : All we have to do now is keep quiet and very still.

  Richie : How long for?

  Eddie : Until the end of time.

  Richie : Righto.

• Eddie : Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.

  Richie : HE was a volunteer.

  Eddie : No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.

  Richie : Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!

  Eddie : Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.

  Richie : Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.

  Eddie : No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!

• Eddie : Oh, I'm gold, man, solid gold.

  Richie : Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!