- Dr. Oatman: Don't kill anybody for a few days. See what it feels like.
- Martin Q. Blank: All right, I'll give it a shot.
- Dr. Oatman: No, don't give it a shot! Don't shoot anything!
- [Talking to his psychiatrist about going to his high school reunion]
- Marty: They all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs, and, you know, they've all made themselves a part of something and they can talk about what they do. What am I gonna say? "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"
- Marty: A thousand innocent people get killed every day! But a millionaire's pet gets detonated, and you're marked for life.
- Martin Q. Blank: Don't you think that maybe you're just upset because I told you what I do for a living, and you got upset and *you're* letting it interfere with *our* dynamic?
- Dr. Oatman: Whoa. Martin. You didn't tell me what you did for a living...
- Martin Q. Blank: Yes, I did!
- Dr. Oatman: You didn't tell me what you did for a living for *four* sessions. *Then* you told me. And I said, "I don't want to work with you any more." And yet, you come back each week at the same time. That's a difficulty for me. On top of that, if you've committed a crime or you're thinking about committing a crime, I have to tell the authorities.
- Martin Q. Blank: I know the law, okay? But I don't want to be withholding; I'm very serious about this process.
- [pause]
- Martin Q. Blank: And I know where you live.
- Dr. Oatman: Oh, now see? That wasn't a nice thing to say; that wasn't designed to make me feel good. That's a... kind of a... not too subtle intimidation, and I, uh, get filled with anxiety when you talk about something like that.
- Martin Q. Blank: Come on, come on. I was just kidding, all right? The thought never crossed my mind.
- Dr. Oatman: You did think of it, Martin! You thought it, and then you said it. And now, I'm left with the aftermath of that, thinking I gotta be creative in a really interesting way or Martin's gonna blow my brains out! You're holding me hostage. That's not right.
- Debi: So, is there a Mrs. Mysterio?
- Martin Q. Blank: No, but I do have a very nice cat?
- Debi: Not the same.
- Martin Q. Blank: Well, you don't know my cat, it's very demanding.
- Debi: "It"? You don't know if it's a boy or girl?
- Martin Q. Blank: I respect its privacy.
- Mr. Newberry: What have you been doing with your life?
- Marty: Uh... professional killer.
- Mr. Newberry: Oh! Good for you, it's a... growth industry.
- Mr. Newberry: Did I have you figured wrong?
- Marty: I don't know - I mean, I hope so.
- Mr. Newberry: I visualized you in a haze as one of those slackster, flannel-wearing, coffee-house misanthropes I've been seeing in "Newsweek."
- Marty: No no no, I went the other road. Six figures, doing business with leadpipe cruelty, mercenary sensibility. You know - sports, sex, no real relationships with anybody. How about you, how have the years been treating you?
- Mr. Newberry: Well, you know me, Martin. Still the same old sell-out, exploiting the oppressed...
- Marty: Sure.
- Mr. Newberry: "Ah, what a piece of work is man, how noble..." ah, fuck it. Let's have a drink and forget the whole damn thing.
- Debi: [about the man Martin killed at the reunion] He was trying to kill you, right?
- Marty: Yes.
- Debi: It wasn't the other way around?
- Marty: No.
- Debi: Is it something you've done?
- Marty: It's something I do... professionally, for about five years now.
- [He lifts the gun in his hand]
- Debi: [Gasps] You were joking! People joke about the horrible things they *don't* do, they don't *do* them! It's absurd!
- Marty: When I left, I joined the Army, and when I took the service exam, my psych profile fit a certain... "moral flexibility" would be the only way to describe it. I was loaned out to a CIA-sponsored program and we sort of found each other. That's the way it works.
- Debi: So, you're a government spook?
- Marty: Yes, I mean no. I was before but I'm not now... but that' all irrelevant, really. The idea of government, nations is public relations theory at this point.
- Debi: Don't. I don't wanna hear about the theories. I wanna hear about the dead people. Explain the dead people.
- Marty: Well, that's very complicated.
- Martin Q. Blank: [Leaving a message on Dr. Oatman's machine] Dr. Oatman, please pick up, pick up! It's Martin Blank! I, I'm standing where my, uh, living room was and it's not here because my house is gone and it's an Ultimart! You can never go home again, Oatman... but I guess you can shop there.
- [last lines]
- Debi: Some people say forgive and forget. Nah, I don't know. I say forget about forgiving and just accept. And - get the hell out of town.
- Mr. Grocer: [singing] I'll be comin' around the mountain when I come / I'll be comin' around the mountain when I come / I'll be blowin' your fuckin' head off / I'll be blowin' your fuckin' head off / I'll be whackin' your fuckin' mind out when I come.
- Martin Q. Blank: You must've done some *naughty* shit there, Bart.
- [flips dossier over to him]
- Martin Q. Blank: There's a contract out on your life. Believe me. I was hired to kill you, but I'm not going to do it. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or because I have a newfound respect for life.
- Mr. Grocer: [following in van] That punk is either in love with that guy's daughter or he has a newfound respect for life.
- Mr. Newberry: [after reading dossier] My whole life!
- Martin Q. Blank: Hopefully not.
- Marty: [at the end of a running gun battle] You don't need to answer right now, but Debi, will you marry me?
- Mr. Newberry: [pokes his head up from the bathtub] You got my blessing!
- [practicing in a mirror before his high school reunion]
- Marty: Hi. I'm, uh, I'm a pet psychiatrist. I sell couch insurance. Mm-hmm, and I - and I test-market positive thinking. I lead a weekend men's group, we specialize in ritual killings. Yeah, you look great! God, yeah! Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? Hi, I'm Martin Blank, you remember me? I'm not married, I don't have any kids, but I'd blow your head off if someone paid me enough.
- Marty: [after shooting a guy three times and bashing his head in with a skillet] Debi, I'm in love with you! And I know we can make this relationship work.
- Marcella: Sir, they're very unhappy.
- Martin Q. Blank: I'm very unhappy.
- Marcella: It was supposed to look like a heart attack! He was supposed to die in his sleep!
- Martin Q. Blank: Well, he moved.
- Debi: Grosse Pointe, Michigan, I hear you loud and clear. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's - well - broken.
- Mr. Grocer: [Martin and Grocer have just killed Agents Lardner and McCullers] Workers of the world, UNITE!
- [point their empty guns at each other]
- Mr. Grocer: Look at that: Empty!
- Mr. Grocer: [Grocer pulls a fresh pistol as he hears Martin releasing the slide on his empty pistol] Solidarity baby! You out?
- Marty: Yeah.
- Mr. Grocer: So, what are you gonna do? You gonna THROW that gun at me?
- Marty: No.
- Mr. Grocer: How 'bout this? How 'bout I sell you a piece for a hundred Gs?
- Marty: OK! Front me?
- [grabs TV]
- Mr. Grocer: Deal!
- [throws the gun out, waiting to off Martin]
- Marty: Popcorn!
- [slams TV on Grocer's head, killing him]
- Debi: Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone.
- Mr. Grocer: [Marty and Grocer are shooting eachother] Comrade! Comrade!
- Marty: What?
- Mr. Grocer: Why don't you just join the union, we'll go upstairs together and cap daddy!
- Marty: This union, there's gonna be meetings?
- Mr. Grocer: Of course!
- Marty: No meetings.
- [They continue shooting]
- Mr. Newberry: Design Division wants me dead over a leaky sunroof and you want to kill me because of *that*?
- Martin Q. Blank: It's *not* me! Why does everyone always think it's personal?
- Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me. Now whaddya wanna do here, man?
- Bob: [Pulls out a folded up piece of paper]
- Martin Q. Blank: I don't know what that is.
- Bob: These are my words.
- Martin Q. Blank: It's a poem? See, that's the problem... express yourself, Bob! Go for it.
- Bob: "When I feel... quiet... when... I feel... blue..."
- Martin Q. Blank: You know, I think that is *terrific*, what you have right there. Really, I liked it, a lot. I wouldn't sell the dealership or anything but, I'm tellin' ya... it's intense!
- Bob: There's... more.
- Martin Q. Blank: Okay, would ya mind, just skip to the end.
- Bob: To... the very end? "For a while."
- Martin Q. Blank: Whew. That's good man.
- Bob: "For a while."
- Martin Q. Blank: That's excellent!
- Bob: You wanna do some blow?
- Martin Q. Blank: No I don't.
- Bob: [Hugs Martin]
- Martin Q. Blank: What about you? Joined the force, huh?
- Terry Rostand: Oh no, I'm not a peace officer. Yeah, this badge isn't a meaningful symbol. We don't enforce the law, we just execute company policy for homeowners.
- Martin Q. Blank: Oh, right... you mind talking a little shop?
- Terry Rostand: Sure.
- Martin Q. Blank: When are you authorized to use deadly force?
- Terry Rostand: Oh well, you know, taxes provide your basic services, you know, police and whatnot, but our customers, they need a little bit more than that, so we catch you on the property, we do what we have to do.
- Martin Q. Blank: So, if I just look suspicious on your customers' property - under those, you know, "heightened circumstances" - you have the authority to shoot me?
- Terry Rostand: Correct.
- Martin Q. Blank: Wow, all right. How'd you get the gig?
- Terry Rostand: Oh, well, they were hiring. And it was only a two-week course.
- Marcella: [Marcella dances around the office, pouring gasoline all over everything, pounding on computers with a hammer, throwing bits of equipment across the room, all the while humming cheerfully to herself. The phone rings]
- Marcella: Hello?
- Marty: Are we out of business yet?
- Marcella: [sing-song] I am taking down the office now.
- Paul: Ten years, man! Ten! Where have you been for ten years?
- Marty: I freaked out, joined the Army, went into business for myself. I'm a professional killer.
- Paul: Oh, does that - do you have to do postgraduate work for that, or can you jump right in? I've been curious about that.
- Marty: No, it's not. It's an open market.
- Martin Q. Blank: Oh, the reason I called... Could you find out who else is in town? I've made two spooks and a ghoul already, so if they've double-booked the job, and/or they're going to kill me, I'd like to know. If you could find that out, that'd be great.
- Arlene: [about the nametags she's made for the reunion] I had the yearbook pictures put on so everybody knows who everybody was!
- Martin Q. Blank: A special torture!
- [the Ultimart has just been blown up]
- Martin Q. Blank: Are you all right?
- Ultimart Carl: No, I'm not all right!
- Martin Q. Blank: Take it easy.
- Ultimart Carl: I'm hurt... I'm pissed... gotta find a new job!
- Marcella: You know, when you started getting invited to your ten-year high school reunion, time is catching up.
- Martin Q. Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality or a fear of death?
- Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
- Martin Q. Blank: Did you go to yours?
- Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.
- Mr. Grocer: And after we do your job, we're gonna do another little job.
- Marty: Tell me about it.
- Mr. Grocer: Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fuckin' forehead, and I'm gonna fuck the brain hole!
- Marty: Nice talk, sugar mouth.
- Paul: I've got to get something off my chest. Have you been home to see the old house?
- Martin Q. Blank: Yeah. Torn down in the name of convenience.
- Paul: Yeah, I brokered the deal
- Martin Q. Blank: Oh, wow. Wow.
- Paul: I tried to get a family there, but Ultimart made the best offer.
- Martin Q. Blank: Well, thank you for profiting on my childhood.
- Mr. Grocer: Here's the new stuff, kid. Durazac 15. Makes Prozac seem like a decaf latté. Want a couple? I've got jars.
- Marty: I don't do that stuff anymore.
- Mr. Grocer: No wonder you got the shakes. And don't say "do it," because I don't "do it." I *ingest* it, on orders from my neurophysiologist. It's legal. In five years they'll be putting it in the water for the citizens, like fluoride.
- Kevin McCullers: Man, why don't we just do his job, so we can do our job and get the fuck out of here?
- Steve: What do you mean, "do his job?" What am I, a cold-blooded killer? I'm not a cold-blooded killer.
- Kevin McCullers: Now, wait a minute...
- Steve: No, you wait a minute. You want to kill the good guy but not be the bad guy. Doesn't work like that. You have to wait until the bad guy kills the good guy, then when you kill the bad guy, you're the good guy.
- Kevin McCullers: So - just to clarify - if we do his job we're the bad guys, and if we do our job we're the good guys.
- Steve: Yes.
- Kevin McCullers: That's... great.
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