- Sean: [sitting on a bench in in front of a pond in park] Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
- Will: No.
- Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
- Will: Why thank you.
- Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
- Will: Nope.
- Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart. You're an orphan right?
- [Will nods]
- Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.
- Will: [continuing the therapy session] I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's Game 6!
- Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy...
- Will: Oh my God; and who are these fuckin' friends of yours, they let you get away with that?
- Sean: Oh... they had to.
- Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
- Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table, and I said, "Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl."
- Will: I gotta go see about a girl?
- Sean: Yeah.
- Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that?
- Sean: Oh, yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
- Will: You're kiddin' me.
- Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
- [pause]
- Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though.
- Sean: [sheepishly] I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.
- Sean: [during a therapy session] You're not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you've met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.
- Sean: My father was an alcoholic. Mean fuckin' drunk. He'd come home hammered, looking to whale on somebody. So I'd provoke him, so he wouldn't go after my mother and little brother. Interesting nights were when he wore his rings.
- Will: He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the table. Just say, "Choose."
- Sean: Well I gotta go with the belt there.
- Will: I used to go with the wrench.
- Sean: Why the wrench?
- Will: Cause fuck him, that's why.
- Sean: Your foster father?
- Will: Yeah.
- [pause]
- Will: So, uh, what is it, like, Will has an attachment disorder? Is it all that stuff?
- [Sean nods]
- Will: Fear of abandonment? Is that why I broke up with Skylar?
- Sean: I didn't know you had.
- Will: Yeah, I did.
- Sean: You wanna talk about it?
- Will: No.
- Sean: Hey, Will? I don't know a lot. You see this? All this shit?
- [Holds up the file, and drops it on his desk]
- Sean: It's not your fault.
- Will: [Will shrugs] Yeah, I know that.
- [Will averts his eyes to the floor]
- Sean: Look at me son.
- [Will locks eyes with Sean]
- Sean: It's not your fault.
- Will: [Will nods] I know.
- Sean: No. It's not your fault.
- Will: I know
- Sean: No, no, you don't. It's not your fault.
- [Sean moves closer to Will]
- Sean: Hmm?
- Will: I know.
- [Will stands up, trying to keep distance]
- Sean: It's not your fault.
- Will: Alright.
- Sean: It's not your fault.
- [Will closes his eyes, he's fighting for control]
- Sean: It's not your fault.
- Will: Don't fuck with me.
- [Will shoves Sean back]
- Will: Don't fuck with me, Sean, not you!
- Sean: It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
- [Will breaks into sobs. They hug]
- Sean: Fuck them, ok?
- Sean: [to Will] You'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to.
- [last lines]
- [Sean reads a note from Will: "Sean, if the Professor calls about that job, just tell him, sorry, I have to go see about a girl."]
- Sean: Son of a bitch... He stole my line.
- Will: [both leaning on a pick up truck while drinking beers and smoking cigarettes on a construction site] What do I wanna way outta here for? I'm gonna live here the rest of my fuckin' life. We'll be neighbors, have little kids, take 'em to Little League up at Foley Field.
- Chuckie: Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way but, in 20 years if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house, watchin' the Patriots games, workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill ya. That's not a threat, that's a fact, I'll fuckin' kill ya.
- Will: What the fuck you talkin' about?
- Chuckie: You got somethin' none of us have...
- Will: Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?
- Chuckie: No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.
- Chuckie: [in a bar] Are we gonna have a problem here?
- Clark: No, no, no, no! There's no problem here. I was just hoping you might give me some insight into the evolution of the market economy in the southern colonies. My contention is that prior to the Revolutionary War, the economic modalities, especially in the southern colonies, could be most aptly described as agrarian pre-capitalist.
- Will: Of course that's your contention. You're a first-year grad student; you just got finished reading some Marxian historian, Pete Garrison probably. You're gonna be convinced of that 'till next month when you get to James Lemon. Then you're going to be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740. That's gonna last until next year; you're gonna be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood, talkin' about, you know, the pre-revolutionary utopia and the capital-forming effects of military mobilization.
- Clark: Well, as a matter of fact, I won't, because Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social...
- Will: "Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinctions predicated upon wealth, especially inherited wealth"? You got that from Vickers' "Work in Essex County," page 98, right? Yeah, I read that too. Were you gonna plagiarize the whole thing for us? Do you have any thoughts of your own on this matter? Or do you, is that your thing, you come into a bar, read some obscure passage and then pretend - you pawn it off as your own, as your own idea just to impress some girls, embarrass my friend?
- Will: See, the sad thing about a guy like you is, in 50 years you're gonna start doin' some thinkin' on your own and you're going to come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don't do that, and two, you dropped 150 grand on a fuckin' education you could have got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library!
- Clark: Yeah, but I will have a degree. And you'll be servin' my kids fries at a drive-thru on our way to a skiing trip.
- Will: Yeah, maybe. But at least I won't be unoriginal.
- [exterior view of nondescript multi-floored office building]
- Will: [cut to interior recruitment office] So why do you think I should work for the National Security Agency?
- NSA Agent: [complacently] Well, you'd be working on the cutting edge. You'd be exposed to the kind of technology you wouldn't see anywhere else, because we've classified it. Superstring theory, chaos math, advanced algorithms.
- Will: [succinctly] Code breaking.
- NSA Agent: [evasively] That's one aspect of what we do.
- Will: [confrontationally] Oh, come on. That is what you do. You guys handle 80% of the intelligence workload. You're seven times the size of the C.I.A.
- NSA Agent: [smugly] We don't like to brag about that, Will, but you're exactly right. So the way I see it, the question isn't: "Why should you work for the N.S.A.?" The question is: "Why shouldn't you?"
- Will: Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.?
- [chuckles]
- Will: That's a tough one, but I'll take a shot. Say I'm workin' at the N.S.A. and somebody puts a code on my desk. Something no one else can break. Maybe I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. I'm real happy with myself because I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army...
- Will: [cut to Sean's office as Will recites the recruitment interview] in North Africa or Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels are hidin'. Fifteen hundred people that I never met, never had no problem with, get killed.
- Will: Now the politicians are saying, "Send in the Marines to secure the area," 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there gettin' shot, just like it wasn't them when their number got called 'cause they were in the National Guard. It'll be some kid from Southie over there takin' shrapnel in the ass. He comes back to find the plant he used to work at... got exported to the country he got back from, and the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job... 'cause he'll work for 15¢ a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile, he realizes the only reason he was over there in the first place... was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. Of course, the oil companies used a skirmish over there to scare up domestic oil prices. A cute little ancillary benefit for them, but it ain't helpin' my buddy at $2.50 a gallon. They're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil, of course. Maybe they even took the liberty to hire an alcoholic skipper, who likes to drink martinis and fuckin' play slalom with the icebergs. It ain't too long till he hits one, spills the oil... and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic.
- Will: So now my buddy's out of work, he can't afford to drive, so he's walkin' to the fuckin' job interviews... which sucks because the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. Meanwhile, he's starvin', 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat, the only blue plate special they're servin'... is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State.
- Will: [indignantly] So what did I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. I figure, fuck it. While I'm at it, why not just shoot my buddy, take his job, give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard?
- Will: [deadpan] I can be elected president.
- Sean: You feel like you're alone?
- Will: [incredulously] What?
- Sean: [to Will] You'll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you're afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road.
- Skylar: [in Skylar's dorm room] What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don't think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him? But I can't, and that's my life and I deal with it. So don't put your shit on me when you're the one that's afraid.
- Will: I'm afraid? What am I afraid of? What the fuck am I afraid of?
- Skylar: You're afraid of me! You're afraid that I won't love you back! Fuck it, I wanna give it a shot! At least I'm honest with you.
- Sean: [yelling at Gerald] And why does he hang out with those retarded gorillas, as you called them? Because any one of them, if he asked them to, would take a fucking bat to your head, okay? It's called loyalty.
- Will: [during a therapy session, referring to Sean's wife] So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?
- Sean: October 21, 1975.
- Will: Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date?
- Sean: Oh yeah. 'Cause it was Game 6 of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history.
- Will: Yeah, sure.
- Sean: My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets.
- Will: You got tickets?
- Sean: Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh, it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the eighth, Carbo ties it up at 6-6. It went to twelve. Bottom of the twelfth, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
- Will: Yeah, yeah.
- Sean: And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman.
- Will: Yeah, I've seen...
- Sean: He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know?
- Will: Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way!
- Sean: Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people...
- Will: I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin' game!
- Sean: Yeah!
- Will: Did you rush the field?
- Sean: [surprised at the question] No, I didn't rush the fuckin' field; I wasn't there.
- Will: What?
- Sean: No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife.
- Will: You missed Pudge Fisk's home run?
- Sean: Oh, yeah.
- Will: To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met?
- Sean: Yeah, but you shoulda seen her; she was a stunner.
- Sean: I just have a little question here. You could be a janitor anywhere. Why did work at the most prestigious technical college in the whole fuckin' world? And why did you sneak around at night and finish other people's formulas that only one or two people in the world could do and then lie about it? 'Cause I don't see a lot of honor in that, Will.
- Sean: You know what? You can shove your medal up your fucking ass! Because I don't give a shit about your medal. Because I knew you before you were a mathematical God. When you were pimple-faced and homesick and didn't know which side of the bed to piss on!
- Lambeau: Yeah, you were smarter than me then and you're smarter than me now, so don't blame me for how your life turned out, it's not my fault.
- Sean: I DON'T BLAME YOU! It's not about *you*, you mathematical dick!
- Sean: [about Will to Gerald] He pushes people away before they get a chance to leave him. It's a defense mechanism. And for 20 years he's been alone because of that. And if you push him right now, it's gonna be the same thing all over again and I'm not gonna let that happen to him.
- Billy: [to Will with Morgan, Chuckie present] You're legally allowed to drink now, so we figured the best thing for you was a car.
- Skylar: [while drinking coffee on the outside patio of a coffee shop] Do you have lots of brothers and sisters?
- Will: I'm Irish Catholic, what do you think?
- Skylar: But how many?
- Will: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- Skylar: Why? Go on, what, 5? 7? 8? How many?
- Will: I have 12 big brothers.
- Skylar: You do not have 12 brothers.
- Will: I swear to God, I swear to God, I'm lucky 13 right here.
- Skylar: Do you know all their names?
- Will: Do I... yeah, they're my brothers.
- Skylar: What are they called?
- Will: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
- Skylar: Say it again.
- Will: Marky, Ricky, Danny, Terry, Mikey, Davey, Timmy, Tommy, Joey, Robby, Johnny, and Brian.
- Skylar: ...and Willy.
- Will: Willy? Will...
- Sean: [in a gentlemen's bar] Hey, Gerry, In the 1960s there was a young man that graduated from the University of Michigan. Did some brilliant work in mathematics. Specifically bounded harmonic functions. Then he went on to Berkeley. He was assistant professor. Showed amazing potential. Then he moved to Montana, and blew the competition away.
- Lambeau: Yeah, so who was he?
- Sean: Ted Kaczynski.
- Lambeau: Haven't heard of him.
- Sean: [yelling to the bartender] Hey, Timmy!
- Timmy: Yo.
- Sean: Who's Ted Kaczynski?
- Timmy: Unabomber.
- [Lambeau winces as he realizes the point Sean is making]
- Will: [during a therapy session] You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job and a cup of coffee." So the stewardess fuckin' goes bombin' up from the back of the plane to tell him the mic's still on, and this guy behind me goes, "Hey, hon, don't forget the coffee!"
- Sean: [CHUCKLING] You ever been on a plane ?
- Will: No, but it's a fuckin' joke. It works better if I tell it in the first person.
- Sean: Yeah, it does.
- Sean: [during a therapy session, after coming from the job interview with the NSA] Do you feel like you're alone, Will?
- Will: [laughs] What?
- Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
- Will: Define that.
- Sean: Somebody who challenges you.
- Will: I have Chuckie.
- Sean: You know Chuck; he's family. He'd lie down in fuckin' traffic for you. No, I'm talking about someone who opens up things for you - touches your soul.
- Will: I got - I got...
- Sean: Who?
- Will: ...I got plenty.
- Sean: Well, name them.
- Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Connor, Pope, Locke...
- Sean: That's great. They're all dead.
- Will: Not to me they're not.
- Sean: Well, you don't have a lot of dialogue with them. You can't give back to them, Will.
- Will: Well, not without some serious smelling salts and a heater.
- [laughs]
- Sean: Yeah. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You'll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you're always afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing ten miles down the road.
- Skylar: [before leaving the bar to catch up with his friends] Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime?
- Will: Great, or maybe we could get together and just eat a bunch of caramels.
- Skylar: What?
- Will: When you think about it, it's just as arbitrary as drinking coffee.
- Skylar: [laughs] Okay, sounds good.
- Skylar: What if I said I wouldn't have sex with you again 'til I got to meet your friends; what would you say?
- Will: I'd say it's 4:30 in the morning; they're probably up.
- [he picks up Skylar's phone and begins dialing]
- Skylar: [laughing] Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener, then you're acting directly on its behalf.
- Will: Thank you.
- Chuckie: [answering the phone at the other end] Eh! What the fuck?
- Will: Nothing, Chuckie; go back to sleep.
- [Will hangs up the phone]
- Sean: [during a therapy session] Maybe *you're* perfect right now. Maybe you don't wanna ruin that. I think that's a super philosophy, Will; that way you can go through your entire life without ever having to really know anybody...
- Will: ...You ever think about gettin' remarried?
- Sean: My wife's dead.
- Will: Hence the word: remarried.
- Sean: She's dead.
- Will: Yeah; well, I think that's a super philosophy, Sean. I mean, that way you could actually go through the rest of your life without ever really knowing anybody.
- Sean: Time's up.
- Chuckie: [upon entering the bar for the first time with Bill, Morgan and Will] So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd be equations and shit on the wall.
- Sean: [to his class with Gerald present] See you Monday. We'll be talking about Freud and why he did enough cocaine to kill a small horse.
- Will: [talking to Skylar in her dorm room] What do you wanna know? That I don't have 12 brothers? That I'm a fuckin' orphan? You don't wanna hear that... no, you don't wanna hear that. You don't wanna hear that I got fuckin' cigarettes put out on me when I was a little kid! That this
- [points to his left ribs]
- Will: is 'cause the motherfucker stabbed me! You don't wanna hear that shit, Skylar. Tell me you don't wanna hear that shit isn't fuckin' surgery!
- Sean: [in Sean's office] One night it was so loud, it woke the dog up.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- Sean: She woke up and gone, like, "Was that you ?" I said, "Yeah." I didn't have the heart to tell her. Oh, God.
- Will: She woke herself up ?
- [LAUGHING]
- Sean: Yes. Oh, Christ. But, Will, she's been dead two years and that's the shit I remember. It's wonderful stuff, you know ? Little things like that. Yeah, but those are the things I miss the most. Those little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That's what made her my wife. Boy, and she had the goods on me too. She knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things "imperfections," but they're not. That's the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let into our weird little worlds. You're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn't perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. That's the whole deal. That's what intimacy is all about. Now you can know everything in the world, sport, but the only way you're finding' out that one is by giving' it a shot.
- Lambeau: [in a gentlemen's bar, attempting to prove to Sean that his interest in Will is not about fame] Tim, can you help us? We're trying to settle a bet.
- Tim: Uh-oh.
- Lambeau: Ever heard of Jonas Salk?
- Tim: Sure, cured polio.
- Lambeau: And you've heard of Albert Einstein?
- [Tim laughs]
- Lambeau: How about Gerald Lambeau? Ever heard of him?
- Tim: No.
- Lambeau: Thank you, Tim.
- Tim: So, who won the bet?
- Lambeau: I did.
- [Tim walks off]
- Lambeau: This isn't about me, Sean. I'm nothing compared to this young man.
- Skylar: [eating on a counter at a fast food stand] You were hoping for a good night kiss.
- Will: No, you know. I'll tell ya, I was hoping for a good night lay, but I'd settle for a good night kiss.
- Skylar: [bursts out laughing] How very noble of you.
- Will: Thank you... But I was, you know, hoping for a good night kiss.
- Skylar: Well, let's just get it out of the way. Come on, come on.
- [they have their first kiss, Skylar giggling the whole time]
- Skylar: [after a few seconds, Skylar bursts out laughing] I think I got some of your pickle!
- Lambeau: [in Gerald's office] What happened at the MacNeil meeting?
- Will: Oh, I couldn't go. I had a date, so I sent my chief negotiator.
- Lambeau: On your own time you can do whatever you'd like Will, but when I set up a meeting with my associates and you don't show up, it reflects poorly on me.
- Will: Well then don't set up any more meetings.
- Lambeau: Well, I won't. I'll cancel them. I'd give you a job myself, I just wanted you to see what was out there.
- Will: Look, maybe I don't want to spend the rest of my fucking life sitting around and explaining shit to people.
- Lambeau: I think you could show me some appreciation.
- Will: A little appreciation?
- [Will picks up the math sheet]
- Will: Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you have any fucking idea how easy this is? This is a fucking joke! And I'm sorry you can't do this, I really am because I wouldn't have to fucking sit here and watch you fumble around and fuck it up.
- Lambeau: Then you'd have more time to sit around and get drunk instead, wouldn't you?
- Will: You're right, this is probably a total waste of my time
- [Will lights the math sheet on fire]
- Lambeau: [Runs and grabs the math sheet to blow out the fire] You're right Will. I can't do this proof. But you can, and when it comes to that it's only about... it's just a handful of people in the world who can tell the difference between you and me. But I'm one of them.
- Will: Sorry.
- Lambeau: Yeah, so am I. Most days I wish I never met you. Because then I could sleep at night, and I wouldn't... and I wouldn't have to walk around with the knowledge that there's someone like you out there.
- [Will leaves the room]
- Lambeau: I didn't have to watch you throw it all away.
- Lambeau: You're angry at me for doing what you could have done; but ask yourself, Sean. Ask yourself if you want Will to feel that way, if you want him to feel like a failure.
- Sean: Oh, you arrogant shit! That's why I don't come to the goddamned reunions, 'cause I can't stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that condescending, embarrassed look. You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm proud of what I do. I was a conscientious choice, I didn't fuck up! And you and your cronies think I'm some sort of pity case. You and your kiss-ass chorus following you around going, "The Fields Medal! The Fields Medal!" Why are you still so fuckin' afraid of failure?
- Morgan: [in Chuckie's car, Morgan in the passenger side back seat, Bill sitting in the backseat of the driver's side] Double Burger.
- [singing]
- Morgan: Chuck, I had a double burger!
- Chuckie: Will you shut the fuck up? I know what you ordered, I was there.
- Morgan: So give me my fucking sandwich.
- Chuckie: What do you mean your sandwich? I bought it. Hey Morgan, how much money you got on you?
- Morgan: I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Sno-Cones when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my sandwich and stop being a prick.
- Chuckie: Well why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your sandwich on layaway. There you go, keep it right up here for you, We'll put you on a program. Everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll get your sandwich.
- Morgan: Why do you have to be such an asshole?
- Chuckie: What am I, fuckin' sandwich welfare? I think you should establish a good line of credit. Like how you bought your couch, payment plans. Remember how your mother brought in $10 everyday for a year and she finally got her couch Rent-A-Center Style?
- Morgan: Can I have my food now please?
- Chuckie: [throws the burger at Morgan] Here's your fucking double burger!
- Chuckie: [impersonating Will at a job interview] You're suspect! Yeah, you! I don't know what your reputation is in this town, but after the shit you tried to pull today you can bet I'll be looking into you. Now the business we have, heretofore, you can speak with my aforementioned attorney. Good day, gentlemen; and until that day comes, keep your ear to the grindstone.
- Chuckie: [in Chuckie's dining room] Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that?
- [Man moans upstairs]
- Chuckie: Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating!
- [Morgan runs downstairs]
- Morgan: What's up, fellas?
- Billy: Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house? Man, that's fucking filthy.
- Morgan: I ain't got a VCR in my house.
- Chuckie: Aw, c'mon, not on my glove.
- Morgan: I didn't use the glove.
- Chuckie: That's my Little League glove.
- Morgan: What do you want me to do?
- Chuckie: I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove?
- Morgan: I was just using it for cleanup.
- Chuckie: Stop jerking off in my mother's room!
- Morgan: Ain't there another VCR in the house?
- Chuckie: It's just sad, bro.
- Tom: [trying to find out if Will is one of their janitors, irritated that the janitor is being unhelpful] This is Professor Lambeau!
- Head Janitor: [taking Tom's remark as snobbery, he motions to his assistant] And this is Professor Hays.