Good Burger (1997)

Kel Mitchell: Ed

Photos 

15 more photos

Quotes 

• Kurt : I want you to bail on Good Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.

  Ed : Who's Kurt?

  Kurt : I'm Kurt.

  Ed : I'm Ed.

  Kurt : I'm aware!

  Ed : You said you were Kurt.

• Ed : Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?

• Dexter : I don't even remember what my dad looks like.

  Ed : I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.

• Ed : I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.

• Dexter : Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

  Ed : Ever been to Australia?

  Dexter : No.

  Ed : Me neither.

• Customer : [to Ed]  Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.

  Ed : That's what I gave you.

  Customer : No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.

  Ed : But you said you wanted nothing on it.

  Customer : Yes, but I expected a meat patty!

  Ed : Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".

  [to Fizz] 

  Ed : Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?

  Fizz : Uh, something?

  Ed : I win!

  Customer : That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!

  Ed : The manager already knows my name.

  Customer : [while throwing the bun down]  And I'll see you in Hell!

  [Leaves] 

  Ed : OK! See you there!

• Otis : I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.

  Dexter : Shark poison!

  Ed : Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?

• Dexter : Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?

  [Rips contract in half] 

  Ed : You don't wanna be partners?

  Dexter : No, see...

  Ed : [Interrupts]  Is it because I'm black?

• Dexter : Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!

  Ed : Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.

  Kurt : Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!

  Ed : Okay.

  [Tries and ends up spinning around and around] 

  Ed : I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.

• Shaquille O'Neal : Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes!

  Ed : Well, hang on...

  [pulls a couple of tomato slices out of his pocket, and slaps them on Shaq's burger] 

  Ed : There! Consider yourself tomatoed!

  Shaquille O'Neal : You're not like other people are you?

  Ed : Nope.

• Heather : Hi!

  Ed : Hi!

  Heather : I'm a psychopath.

  Ed : I'm Ed.

• Ed : [reading a contract Dexter wants him to sign]  I know some of these words.

• Ed : Dexter's a chicken!

  [pause flapping his arms] 

  Ed : Mooooooo.

• Roxanne : Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?

  Ed : I like to have dinner every night.

• Dexter : Ed, I don't know how to say this...

  Ed : Oh, well, you just go, "Thiiiissssssssssss."

• [Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed] 

  Ed : I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.

  Dexter : You thought all that?

  Ed : Yeah. I'm not stupid.

• Ed : What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?

  Dexter : What?

  Ed : Did you lose your trousers?

  [looks down at Dexter's legs] 

  Dexter : No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...

  Ed : [after a long pause]  Boy... you must really suck!

• Monique : [eating a corn-dog]  Mm, great corn-dog.

  Ed : I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?

  Monique : A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.

• Dexter : I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.

  Ed : Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.

  Dexter : What? What are you talking about?

  Ed : Okay, I give up. Who am I?

  Dexter : I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.

• Heather : [very fast]  Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?

  Ed : ...Not that I recall.

• Kurt : Can I give you a lift, Ed?

  Ed : I don't know, I weigh about 150.

  Kurt : Just get in the car.

• Ed : [Mr. Baily has asked Ed to do a delivery]  But I don't do deliveries, sir.

  Mr. Baily : Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.

  Ed : Why?

  Mr. Baily : Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!

• Ed : [with 2 grapes up his nose]  Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : Stop that.

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : Would you stop?

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity

  Dexter : That ain't funny!

  [laughs] 

  Ed : Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!

  Dexter : So... Oh, I give up.

• Ed : This is where I come to think... I think.

  Dexter : Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.

• Angry Customer : Can I get two Good Burgers?

  Ed : Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back.

  Angry Customer : Just give me two Good Burgers!

  Ed : Dude, I can't just *give* you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em.

  Angry Customer : [shouts]  All right, that's it! I've had it up to *here* with Good Burger!

• Deedee : Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?

  Ed : Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

  [Dexter tackles him to the ground] 

  Ed : Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...

  Dexter : No! Listen to me carefully.

  Ed : Okay.

  Dexter : Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.

  Ed : Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...

  Dexter : *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.

• Ed : [to Kurt being taken to jail]  Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...

  Ed , Dexter : *You* go in the grinder!

• Heather : D'you think I'm cute?

  Ed : Sure.

  Heather : What's cute about me?

  Ed : Uh... your head.

  Heather : You have a cute head too!

  Ed : Well, I try to keep it nice.

• Ed : [on a double date, Dexter and Monique are going off alone]  What am I supposed to do?

  Roxanne : [insulted]  Hello?

  Ed : Hello! What am I supposed to do?

• Mr. Baily : Ed! What are you doing inside the milkshake machine?

  Ed : Trying to fix it.

  Mr. Baily : Did you turn on the switch?

• Dexter : [Ed said something that offended Dexter]  You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.

  Ed : Wanna see my belly button?

• Roxanne : Now Ed, let's go someplace where we could be alone, and get to know each other a little better, now, doesn't that sound more fun then Miniature Golf?

  Ed : [thinks about it]  Uh... nooooo!

• Kurt : OK, Hot Pants! I want to know what's in your sauce!

  Ed : Dude, you need a tic-tac!

• Ed : And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.

  Otis : I should've died years ago.

  Dexter : Tough break.

• Ed : Huh! How do you like me now? I'm a dude throwing ice cream! Yeah! Here's vanilla! Take some chocolate! Yeah! Fudge!

• Ed : You got it!

  Dexter : Got what? I'm swinging from a dang pipe!

• Ed : You wanna see my secret place?

  Dexter : That's not what I had in mind.

• Roxanne : Do you know what would be great on this corn dog?

  Ed : A turtleneck?

• Dexter : There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?

  Ed : On my lap?

  Dexter : No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.

• Dexter : [on the roof of Mondo Burger]  How do you expect me to get up there?

  Ed : Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.

  Dexter : What is this, American Gladiators?

• Ed : And that's Deedee, she's a veterinarian.

  Deedee : Vegetarian.

  Ed : That means she doesn't eat fur.

  Deedee : I won't wear fur, I don't eat meat.

• Dexter , Ed : [as Kurt's taken away]  Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail! Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail, Kurt's goin' to jail jail jail!

• Ed : I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.

  [hugs him] 

  Ed : Goodbye my friend!

  Dexter : Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.

  Ed : [pulls back, nonchalant]  Oh.

• [repeated line] 

  Ed : Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?

• Dexter : I never took you for much of a thinker.

  Ed : Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.

  Dexter : I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?

  Ed : I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?

  Dexter : Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.

• Ed : [after Roxanne falls]  Uh, is your butt okay?

  Roxanne : It's fine, thank you.

  Ed : It's okay, people! HER BUTT... IS FINE!

• Ed : Dexter's a chicken! Moo! Moo.

• Ed : [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date]  ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...

  Dexter : [interrupting]  Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.

  Ed : Oh.

• Ed : [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger]  What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?

  Dexter : I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.

  Ed : We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.

  Dexter : No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.

• Ed : [to a hungry dog]  Here, have a Mondo burger...

  [dog barks at the burger] 

  Ed : What's wrong?

  Dexter : I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.

  Ed : [to the dog]  Here, try a Good Burger.

  [dog eats the burger] 

  Ed : You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!

  Dexter : [about the dog and the Mondo burger]  He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.

• Ed : Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

  Roxanne : [seductively]  No, thanks. I just came here to see you, Ed. I'm Roxanne.

  Ed : Ohhhh.

  [pause] 

  Ed : Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

• Otis : [in Demented Hills]  Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?

  Dexter : They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?

  Otis : Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!

  Dexter : SHARK POISON?

  Ed : Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?

  Dexter : Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!

  Otis : Can you get to a phone?

  Dexter : There's no chance! What time is it?

  Ed : Oh, I'll tell you.

  [stares at his wrist] 

  Otis : It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.

  Dexter : That means we've only got four hours to warn them!

  Otis : But how are we gonna get out of here?

• Dexter : Ed, what happened?

  Ed : I just tackled this old lady.

  Dexter : Alright! You're the man!

  [they whoop and cheer] 

  Mr. Baily : EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?

  Dexter : This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.

  Mr. Baily : How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?

  Dexter : We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.

  Ed : What for?

  Dexter : Evidence!

• Ed : Your head hit my golf ball. Then you went sleepy-bye.

• Ed : I've always wanted to shave a martian.

• Ed : Hey! Wanna see my belly button?

• Ed : Look I'm grape nose boy.

• Ed : It's because I'm black?

• Ed : This is Otis, the fry cook!

  Otis : I should have died years ago.

• Kurt : Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.

  [Siren wails] 

  Kurt : I don't understand. I don't know what happened.

  Dexter : Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.

  Police Officer Perkins : Is that true?

  Kurt : No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!

  Police Officer : Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.

  Police Officer Perkins : I think you better come with us.

  Kurt : Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?

  Police Officer Perkins : Yeah, I know, I know.

  [the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car] 

  Dexter : Bye-bye.

  Ed : Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...

  Dexter , Ed : you go in the grinder!

  [Ed laughing] 

  Dexter : Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.

• Dexter Reed : [Ed gives him a yo-yo]  What is this?

  Ed : It's a yo-yo. I bought it with the $13 you gave me. It lights up and flickers and everything, just like the one your dad gave you.

  Dexter Reed : Why'd you get this for me?

  Ed : Cause we're buds!

• Ed : [Sits with Dexter during lunch]  Mind if I sit here?

  Dexter Reed : Yes, I do mind.

  Ed : Thanks.

  Dexter Reed : Wh-wh-what are you doing?

  Ed : Eating my lunch.

  Dexter Reed : I told you not to sit here. I don't like you. Can you get that through your head?

  Ed : I can try.

  [Pokes his head with his fries] 

  Ed : Nope.

  Dexter Reed : I'm gonna have to spell this out to you. I don't want to sit by you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to smell you. I don't want hang out with you, I don't even want to use words with the letter U.

• Dexter : If we put this sauce on all the Good Burgers, then everyone will want to eat here! We'll knock Mondo Burger right off the map!

  Ed : WHEE! That's great!

  Mr. Baily : Ed, get in that kitchen and start making sauce!

  Ed : Yippy skippy!

  [stands up] 

  Ed : It shall be done!

  Mr. Baily : [as the employees continue clamoring]  Gimme another French fry! Good Burger's back in business!

• Kurt : Alright, PUNK! The game is over.

  Dexter : No, YOUR game is over, because right now my man Ed is on his way to the police station with a CAN of your illegal Triampathol. Ha!

  Ed : [with said can]  Hey Dex, look what I got!

  Kurt : GET IT! Nice try dudes, but you mess with Kurt, you go in the grinder. Hey... this can's empty. What an idiot! Stole an empty can!

  Dexter : Ed, you stole an empty can?

  Ed : It wasn't empty when I found it!