Le Dîner de Cons (1998)

Daniel Prévost: Lucien Cheval

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lucien Cheval : [learning his wife is having an affair]  Charlotte? Don't try to explain. Leave that place at once! Of course you can put your clothes back on.

  [Pierre and Juste laugh, and Francois snickers] 

  Lucien Cheval : Uh, Charlotte, I'm not alone. I can't talk now. We'll talk at home.

• Juste Leblanc : I've got an idea. Listen to this. We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.

  Pierre Brochant : How?

  Juste Leblanc : You call and say you know everything, you're coming to wreck his place with three tough guys.

  Pierre Brochant : Not bad.

  Juste Leblanc : We'll know right away by the way he reacts.

  François Pignon : A fine strategy!

  Pierre Brochant : I can't call him. He knows my voice!

  Juste Leblanc : He knows mine, too.

  Lucien Cheval : And mine. I'm with him all day.

  François Pignon : [they all turn to look at him]  I think I'm going to be needed!

  Pierre Brochant : [mortified at the thought]  Oh, no!

  Juste Leblanc : Only he can do it!

  François Pignon : I really feel up to it!

  Juste Leblanc : We'll coach him, and he'll do fine.

  Pierre Brochant : Just wait and see!

• François Pignon : Lucien, it's Francois!

  Lucien Cheval : How's the big Auxerre fan?

  François Pignon : I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!

  Lucien Cheval : Not over? You idiot! Two goals down and it's not over? Auxerre is a team of clowns, dickheads, and fuck-offs!

  François Pignon : Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week? Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!

  Lucien Cheval : Go fuck yourself!

  François Pignon : You, too!

  [hanging up] 

  François Pignon : What an asshole! Marseilles are turds, Marseilles are turds! Marseilles are turds! He's such a jerk!

  [seeing Pierre and Juste's looks] 

  François Pignon : I'll call him back.

  Juste Leblanc : He's in a league of his own.

  Pierre Brochant : It's been like this for hours.

• François Pignon : Brochant knows everything.

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : What?

  François Pignon : He's coming to wreck your place!

  Lucien Cheval : Nice going.

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : Who is this?

  François Pignon : A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming over, and not alone. He's with three of his toughest pals.

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : He's crazy! His wife's not here!

  François Pignon : You're not with her?

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : She canceled out.

  François Pignon : Roussin said, "He's with Mrs. Brochant."

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : Not at all. I'm with the wife of the guy who's auditing me!

  François Pignon : [they all look at Lucien]  What?

  Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone : The jerk's hounded me for months. I'm screwing his wife, not Mrs. Brochant!

• François Pignon : I'm calling because I need a favor.

  Lucien Cheval : Okay, on one condition.

  François Pignon : What?

  Lucien Cheval : Shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"

  François Pignon : What?

  Lucien Cheval : Let me hear you shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"

  Pierre Brochant : [Francois doesn't want to]  You must!

  Juste Leblanc : [prompting him]  "Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!"

  Pierre Brochant , Juste Leblanc : Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!

  François Pignon : I'm doing this for you, Pierre.

  [to Lucien as fast as he can] 

  François Pignon : Go, Marseilles, go.

  Lucien Cheval : You must need a big favor.

• Lucien Cheval : Let's try this omelet.

  [taking a bite] 

  Lucien Cheval : Mm. Mm.

  François Pignon : What's wrong?

  Lucien Cheval : A masterpiece, Francois!

  François Pignon : He's so silly. Thanks, Lucien.

  Lucien Cheval : Light, unctuous...

  François Pignon : My secret's a few drops of beer in the eggs.

  Pierre Brochant : [his patience snapping]  The address, damn it!

• Juste Leblanc : Who would tell us to call him? Someone who'd have the number to his love nest.

  Lucien Cheval : His partner, Roussin, would. They're very close.

  Juste Leblanc : Roussin it is.

  Pierre Brochant : Why wouldn't he call himself? Why wouldn't Roussin call? It'll seem odd.

  Lucien Cheval : Meneaux told me he's heading to L.A. tonight.

  Juste Leblanc : Perfect! We're calling for Roussin who's on a plane.

• Pierre Brochant : Sit down, Mr. Pignon. Repeat after me, "I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, but has a message for you."

  François Pignon : Okay.

  Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it. Pretend I'm Meneaux and repeat what I said.

  François Pignon : I've got it!

  Pierre Brochant : Please, Mr. Pignon, repeat precisely.

  François Pignon : "Hello, I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, and has a message for you."

  Juste Leblanc : Perfect!

  Pierre Brochant : Not yet. You add, "Brochant knows everything."

  [Francois moves to take the phone] 

  Pierre Brochant : No, repeat it!

  Lucien Cheval : Come on, he's not stupid!

  Pierre Brochant : "Brochant knows everything."

  François Pignon : [parroting it back]  "Brochant knows everything."

  Pierre Brochant : Then you say, "He knows about his wife." If Meneaux asks who's speaking, you say, "A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming with three pals."

  François Pignon : Huh. "He's with three of his toughest pals."

  Lucien Cheval : He's talented!

  François Pignon : I'm just parroting.

  Juste Leblanc : He's excellent.

  François Pignon : Could I improvise a bit?

  Pierre Brochant : No!

  François Pignon : Don't shout. You scared me.

  Pierre Brochant : Just stick to what I told you.

• Lucien Cheval : You been attached?

  Pierre Brochant : No, why?

  Lucien Cheval : Those light patches; pantings have been removed.

  François Pignon : He doesn't miss a trick. You're fabulous, Lucien!

  Juste Leblanc : You came to help or audit him?

  François Pignon : He came to help! Right? Hurry! Poor Mr. Brochant is in a fix!

  Lucien Cheval : Yeah, poor Mr. Brochant... sure, Meneaux's quite the jerk, but as we say, "dogs only go for bitches." Here we are. Barrès St. Near the park. 37 Barrès St.

  François Pignon : In Neuilly.

  Pierre Brochant : Great! I'm off.

  Juste Leblanc : Wait, make sure she's there! Don't go 'til you're sure of it.

  Lucien Cheval : He won't open the door. He's sneaky.

  Pierre Brochant : I'll kick it open.

  Juste Leblanc : What if she's not there? Then what?

  François Pignon : We could call him.

  Pierre Brochant : To ask if my wife's in his bed, snug under his quilt?

• François Pignon : You're on the Pascal Meneaux case?

  Lucien Cheval : Affirmative.

  François Pignon : He has a love nest in Paris and I need the address.

  Lucien Cheval : [laughing]  You're not his type!

  François Pignon : What?

  Lucien Cheval : He likes big boobs and hates hairy legs!

  François Pignon : [laughing, too]  He's so funny!

  [seeing Pierre and Juste aren't laughing] 

  François Pignon : It's serious. I need that address.

  Lucien Cheval : Why do you need it?

  François Pignon : It's for a friend who thinks his wife is there.

  Lucien Cheval : At Meneaux's? His wife's there? Poor bastard!

  François Pignon : See why I need the address?

  Lucien Cheval : You bet! I've watched Meneaux! Any skirt drives him dingo! Talk about a pig!

• Pierre Brochant : We're in a hurry. You got the address?

  François Pignon : He's the man I told you about.

  Lucien Cheval : Yes, the...

  François Pignon : Right.

  Lucien Cheval : [indicating his briefcase]  The address is in here. I'm starving.

  François Pignon : I made you a nice omelet. You'll love it!

  Lucien Cheval : [sitting down]  Am I the only one eating?

  Pierre Brochant : Yes. So, where's this love nest?

  Lucien Cheval : I audited a Michel Brochant three years ago. Are you related?

  Pierre Brochant : Could be. Where does he live?

  Lucien Cheval : In jail. He got five years. Nice guy. Had a fancy place just like yours that we auctioned off.

  [opening his briefcase] 

  Lucien Cheval : Where's that fuck nest? Let me look through all this stuff. Advertising is quite lucrative. What's your thing, Mr. Brochant?

  Pierre Brochant : Publishing.

  Lucien Cheval : Very profitable, too.

  Pierre Brochant : Please, the address.

• Lucien Cheval : Do I know this poor sap?

  François Pignon : I doubt it.

  [to Pierre] 

  François Pignon : Ever had a tax audit?

  Pierre Brochant : No.

  François Pignon : No. What's the address?

  Lucien Cheval : I can't tell you now. I'll get it tomorrow.

  Pierre Brochant : That'll be too late!

  François Pignon : It's urgent. It's a personal favor. Can you go over to the Ministry now?

  Lucien Cheval : Now? What about the game?

  François Pignon : Tape it. We'll watch it together.

  Lucien Cheval : I'm already taping the ice-skating show for my wife.

  Pierre Brochant : We'll tape the game.

  François Pignon : We'll tape the game. Go there for me!

  Lucien Cheval : You're a pain! I haven't eaten yet!

  Pierre Brochant : We'll feed him.

  François Pignon : You're invited here.

  Lucien Cheval : I don't know your sap!

  François Pignon : He's a great guy. Hop over to the Ministry for me.

  Lucien Cheval : You're a drag!

  François Pignon : I did say, "Go, Marseilles, go!".

  Lucien Cheval : What's the address?

• Lucien Cheval : Interesting room.

  Pierre Brochant : A storage room, where I keep my old things.

  Lucien Cheval : It's awful, but I don't care!

  François Pignon : What is?

  Lucien Cheval : He's a tax dodger, and I don't care!

  François Pignon : Get a hold of yourself. Run home and take a shower. Want the tape of the football game?

  Lucien Cheval : I'm in no mood for that. Goodbye, Mr. Leblanc.

  Juste Leblanc : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval.

  Lucien Cheval : Goodbye Mr. Brochant.

  Pierre Brochant : Goodbye, Mr. Cheval. Thanks for all your help.

  Lucien Cheval : Don't mention it. We'll meet again soon. I'm going to audit you. All this is suspect.

  Pierre Brochant : [watching him leave]  He recovered pretty fast.

• Lucien Cheval : That wine...

  Pierre Brochant : It is a bit coarse.

  Lucien Cheval : I'm going to puke! The bathroom!

  François Pignon : Here, Lucien!

  Pierre Brochant : First door on the left!

  [leading Lucien to the bathroom, Francois opens the door on the right, and the artwork that Pierre hid falls out] 

  Pierre Brochant : I said "On the left."