- Bob Monkhouse: What are we meant to link?
- Jonathan Ross: You're meant to link the three clips, Bob. I thought I made that perfectly clear.
- Bob Monkhouse: Uhm uhm uhm. It's... it's to close to a full moon for me.
- Jonathan Ross: Friends, Romans, Countrymen
- [buzzer]
- Jonathan Ross: Tony?
- Tony Hawks: Can you keep the noise down a bit? I'm trying to sleep.
- Jonathan Ross: Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs Worthington
- [buzzer]
- Jonathan Ross: Tony?
- Tony Hawks: And the same goes for you, Mrs Minogue.
- [a cheer is heard from the audience]
- Frank Skinner: That is so unfair!
- Bob Monkhouse: Another memory, a blast from the past. Mary had a little lamb, the doctors all cried oh, but when Old McDonald had a farm, Eh I, Eh I, Oh!
- Jonathan Ross: Ray, may I say how good it is to see you making a rare solo apperance.
- Ray Allen: Yes, thank you very much. It's nice to have some hands free!
- Lord Charles: Get on with it, you silly arse!
- [Frank has been asked to make up an advert for Euro Disney]
- Frank Skinner: M I C, K E Y, M O U S E. Yes, kids, this year Mickey Mouse will be at Euro Disney. And Donald Duck. And Goofy. No one else, really.
- [Bob was asked to advertise Sellefield]
- Bob Monkhouse: We spoke to a long term employee at Sellafield. He was radiant.
- Jonathan Ross: Never work with animals or children
- [buzzer]
- Jonathan Ross: Greg?
- Greg Proops: Unless you know how to cook them!
- Jonathan Ross: Sticks and stones may break my bones
- [bell]
- Jonathan Ross: Frank?
- Frank Skinner: Sticks and stones may break my bones, so I won't be going to Millwall this season!
- Bob Monkhouse: Did you know John Wayne Bobbit was in the army? He was separated from his unit. Sorry.
- Jonathan Ross: Mary had a little lamb
- [bell]
- Eddie Large: Oh, this is my level. Mary had a little lamb, and the midwife fainted.
- Bob Monkhouse: I wouldn't say my parents hated me, but my father tipped the vicar a fiver to hold me under at the christening.
- Bob Monkhouse: I WOULD say my parents hated me, because my mother never wanted to have me. When I was born she was thirty-eight weeks pregnant, she kept putting it off, putting it off.
- Frank Skinner: I wouldn't say my neighbourhood's rough, but the pub has got a space marked on the car park for ambulances.
- Eddie Large: I wouldn't say my neighbourhood's rough, but the milk float has got a rear gunner.
- [time-up buzzer sounds]
- Frank Skinner: We didn't... we didn't do the classic... The Post Office got held up by a man with a bitten off shotgun.
- Jonathan Ross: Why do birds suddenly appear...
- Ted Rogers: Whenever the wife's with me?
- Jonathan Ross: Nice to hear the '70s meaning of birds on the show.