- Dr. Leo Marvin: I want some peace and quiet!
- Bob Wiley: Well, I'll be quiet.
- Siggy: I'll be peace!
- [Bob and Siggy burst into giggles]
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Are you married?
- Bob Wiley: I'm divorced.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Would you like to talk about that?
- Bob Wiley: There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: [pause] I see. So, what you're saying is that even though you are an almost-paralyzed, multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you, you left her because she... liked Neil Diamond?
- Bob Wiley: [speaking to workers in a mental hospital] It reminds me of my favorite poem, which is, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic... and so am I!"
- Dr. Leo Marvin: You think he's gone? He's not gone. That's the whole point! He's never gone!
- [Leo opens the door; there's Bob]
- Bob Wiley: Is this some radical new therapy?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: YOU SEE?
- Bob Wiley: [telling a joke] The doctor draws two circles and says "What do you see?" the guy says "Sex."
- [everybody laughs]
- Bob Wiley: Wait a minute, I haven't even told the joke yet! So the doctor draws trees, "What do you see?" the guy says "sex". The doctor draws a car, owl, "Sex, sex, sex". The doctor says to him "You are obsessed with sex", he replies "Well you're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
- [Leo has a rifle pointed at Bob]
- Bob Wiley: What are we doing?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Death Therapy, Bob. It's a guaranteed cure.
- Bob Wiley: You ever hear of Tourette's syndrome? Involuntarily shouting profanity?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: It's exceptionally rare.
- Bob Wiley: Shit-eating son-of-a-bitch! Bastard, douche-bag, twat, numb-nuts, dickhead, BITCH!
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Why exactly are you doing this?
- Bob Wiley: If I fake it, then I don't have it.
- [first lines]
- Bob Wiley: I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful... I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...
- [Leo is strapping a bomb to Bob]
- Dr. Leo Marvin: This is black powder, Bob. One teaspoon of this stuff can blow up a tree stump. There we go!
- Bob Wiley: And, how much is this?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Twenty pounds worth.
- Dr. Catherine Tomsky: If you want to be rid of him, just tell him you won't treat him anymore.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Catherine, that's easy for you to say. The man is, is like, like human Krazy Glue!
- Dr. Catherine Tomsky: You should never have let him sleep in your pajamas, Leo.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: I can't believe that I'm hearing this!
- Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Relax, Leo.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: I'm relaxed!
- Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Take a vacation.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: I'M ON VACATION!
- Dr. Catherine Tomsky: Maybe you should check in here for a few days. Get a handle on things!
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Why are you always wearing black? What is it with you and this death fixation?
- Siggy: Maybe I'm in mourning for my lost childhood.
- Bob Wiley: Isn't this a breakthrough, that I'm a sailor? I sail? I sail now?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Keep sailing, Bob!
- Bob Wiley: [Privately conversing with the Marvin family on front porch about Dr. Marvin] We can't be expected to understand him. He is so far above us. We are like ropes on the Goodyear Blimp.
- Bob Wiley: Goodbye, rat-dick suck-nut!
- Siggy: [upstairs] Bye, dog-pissing-barf!
- Dr. Leo Marvin: [screams from the bottom of the stairs] Sigmund!
- Bob Wiley: Later, testicle-head bosom-beaver!
- [looks out the window]
- Bob Wiley: Good Morning America's here!
- Dr. Leo Marvin: You understand, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
- Bob Wiley: I will.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: No, you won't. You're just *saying* you will! But then, after I don't kill you, you'll show up again. And you'll do something else to make everyone in my life think you are wonderful and I'm a schmuck. But I'm not a schmuck, Bob, and I'm not going to let you breeze into town and take my family away from me, just because you're crazy enough to be *fun*.
- Bob Wiley: Excuse me, Phil, but with these particular symptoms, is Prozac the right choice?
- Lily Marvin: You think Prozac is a mistake?
- Bob Wiley: Well, with this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.
- Phil: You could be right. I'll rewrite the prescription.
- Bob Wiley: [riding in Leo's car, speaking as Leo drives] It was an interesting morning, fruitful. But it lacked the intensity that you and I generate together, the sparks that we get one-on-one. We just gotta figure out a way to work around your schedule. Could we work afternoons? Two to four? Three to five? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: AHHHHHH!
- [slams the brakes, gets out of the car, walks around, and opens Bob's door]
- Bob Wiley: Are you saying you'd rather work mornings?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: [nearly incomprehensible] GET OUTTA THE CAR!
- Dr. Leo Marvin: [Hangs up phone] That patient, the one who called before, he committed suicide.
- Fay Marvin: Oh, Leo, how horrible.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Oh well, let's not let it spoil our vacation.
- Bob Wiley: Well, I get dizzy spells, nausea, cold sweats, hot sweats, fever blisters, difficulty breathing, difficulty swallowing, blurred vision, involuntary trembling, dead hands, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: So the real question is, what is the crisis, Bob? What is it you're truly afraid of?
- Bob Wiley: What if my heart stops beating? What if I'm looking for a bathroom, I can't find it, and... my bladder explodes?
- Dr. Leo Marvin: On Wednesday we'll eat Gil... on Thursday we'll eat Bob! Ha ha ha, no no no, that's going too far.
- Bob Wiley: [Leo is pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding after leaving Bob on the side of a road and is mumbling incoherently. Bob passes by in a pickup truck] Ahoy! Excuse me officer, can you make sure he's home by 7?
- [Bob displays 7 fingers for the direction]
- Motorcycle Cop: Hey, didn't I see that guy on TV?
- [Motorcycle Cop tears off ticket for Leo, who then snatches it angrily]
- [Last Lines]
- Minister: Bob Wiley, would you have Lily Marvin to be your beloved wedded wife, to cherish and love till death do you part?
- Bob Wiley: I do.
- Minister: Lily Marvin, would you have Bob Wiley to be your beloved wedded husband, to cherish and love till death do you part?
- Lily Marvin: [smiling] I do.
- [Bob heaves a sigh of relief. Bob and Lily smile at one another]
- Minister: If anyone wishes to express why these two shouldn't join together in matrimony... speak now, or forever hold your peace.
- [the catatonic Leo jiggles his head and makes throaty sounds. No one notices, even Bob, who is looking around]
- Minister: Then, By the power invested in me and the state of New York. I pronounce you, man and wife.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: [suddenly stands up and shouts] NO!
- Siggy: [excitedly shouts] Dad's back!
- Anna Marvin: Daddy!
- Lily Marvin: Leo!
- Lily Marvin: [rushing over] Leo!
- [the family surrounds the recovered Leo as everyone applauds]
- Dr. Leo Marvin: You do understand, Bob, don't you? There's no other solution. You won't go away.
- Bob Wiley: Oh, yes I will.
- Bob Wiley: [during dinner] Fay, this is delicious. Mmm. Mmmmm.
- Dr. Leo Marvin: Will you STOP that, please?
- Nursing Home Guard: Hey, you're Bob Wiley, aren't you?
- Bob Wiley: [excitedly] Yeah.
- Nursing Home Guard: I saw you on TV. You were great.
- Ending Titlecard: Bob went back to school and became a psychologist. He then wrote a popular bestseller, "Death Therapy". Leo is suing him for the rights.
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