The Red Green Show (1991–2006)

Bob Bainborough: Dalton Humphrey, Dalton Humphries

Photos 

Quotes 

• Red Green : You can't be forgetting your wedding anniversary, Dalton.

  Dalton Humphries : Yeah, it's kind of ironic when the second dumbest thing you ever did was to forget the dumbest thing you ever did.

• [Red tries to get Dalton to guess the word 'Paranoid'] 

  Red Green : You got two slippers. That makes a...?

  Dalton Humphries : Pair.

  Red Green : Someone bugs you, you get...?

  Dalton Humphries : Annoyed.

  Red Green : Put 'em together. Put 'em together.

  Dalton Humphries : You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? You know, it's probably my neighbor, you know, because he's trying to get me. Sometimes I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.

  Red Green : All right, and he thinks that way because he's...

  Dalton Humphries : ...caught me doing it.

• Dalton Humphries : [showing Red a bouquet of flowers for show's return]  I went to a lot of trouble to get these. Cemetery gates were locked when I got there.

• Dalton Humphries : You know, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

• [Dalton talks about his favorite car, a Chevy 2, which has apparently changed his life] 

  Dalton Humphries : It taught me not to be materialistic, not to get attached to furniture or books and family photographs. Things just aren't that important. You know what? It's the money you make *selling* things that's important.

• [the lodge members are trying to get into the record books] 

  Dalton Humphries : What about you, Red? Is there anything you can do to set a world record?

  Red Green : Well, I could, but that's kind of between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category.

  [he gestures towards the Guiness Book of World Records in Winston's hand] 

  Winston Rothschild : [looking at the book]  Oh, no, snoring is in here.

• [Red has complained about the Possum Van not working right] 

  Dalton Humphries : Why don't you just call a tow truck?

  Red Green : A tow truck? That's a hundred bucks, Dalton. I can replace the van for 75.